When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This is especially true for people with medical problems when they realize their romantic partner may not believe or respect their medical needs, or they show signs of medically neglecting them in the future, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor QuickSloth4710 had severe enough chronic neck pain that it significantly impacted her ability to sleep, and she'd finally found a pillow that worked for her and allowed her to get some rest.
When her boyfriend not only kept taking it from her but also folding it, causing it to lose its shape and effectiveness, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that her boyfriend was making such a problem over something that should be a non-issue.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for snabbing at my boyfriend, who keeps folding my neck pillow in half?"
The OP had chronic pain in her back and neck, and she found a pillow that could help.
"I have a lot of back and neck pain, and it's difficult for me to sleep through the night."
"I frequently wake with a stiff neck. I have a contour pillow with a case that has filling in it."
"I've tried other pillows, but this one was amazing and drastically reduced how often I woke up needing to readjust my sleeping position."
"I've had it for years, and the company doesn't make it anymore. It was also very expensive when I first purchased it."
The OP became increasingly frustrated when her boyfriend started using the pillow.
"I am always the first to get up in the morning due to having an earlier work schedule. After I leave, my boyfriend always takes my pillow, folds it in half, puts it on top of his pillow, and lays on it like that."
"It causes all the stuffing to bunch up in a big lump in the middle, and the fold is starting to break down the shape of the pillow itself."
"I'm very annoyed by this, and I've begged him to stop. I've explained that it's causing me physical pain and worse sleep."
"I would estimate the number of times I have explicitly asked him to stop folding it to be about 60 to 70 times. I have shown him how the pillow is being destroyed."
"I've asked him to buy me a new, similar pillow if I can find one, and he declined."
The OP finally had enough.
"This morning, after I had my morning coffee and workout downstairs, I went back up to the bedroom to finish getting ready for work."
"He was awake, scrolling on his phone, and had my pillow folded in half on top of his and was lying on it."
"I completely lost it and screamed at him."
"He acted as though we had never had a conversation about this ever, like he had no idea he was doing anything wrong, and said I have an anger problem."
"I just feel like I've run out of ways to calmly communicate why this is important to me."
"I know I shouldn't have yelled, but I'm just so frustrated with this situation."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
It was clear to many Redditors that the boyfriend did not care about the OP's neck pain or comfort.
"He hears you. He refuses to listen." - lazyesq
"NOR. I had one of these once. I stayed thinking that I didn’t explain myself enough. That wasn’t it."
"He. Just. Didn’t. Care." - Thesugarsky
"Your sleep and comfort don't matter to him, OP. Believe him."
"Fool me once, shame on you. fool me '60 to 70 times'..."
"Honey, this is who he is. The question is, why are you still sharing a bed with someone who sees you as less important than stealing your pillow?" - Cardabella
"I'll be honest, putting up with this 60 to 70 times threw me off."
"He might as well be screaming from the top of a mountain while simultaneously making smoke signals with one hand, saying in sign language with the other, and walking to spell SOS, that he doesn't care about you or your health." - OwnTurn1146
"You have a lot of patience, because after the third time, I would have snapped having to repeat myself."
"At this point, I’d make him compensate you for a new one. Since it's your house, give him the boot, because what the f**k is he doing?! NOR." - RareStrawberry2020
"NOR. Having to ask a partner 60 to 70 times to stop doing something is ridiculous (no matter how small). Especially in this case, because it is causing you physical pain."
"He obviously doesn't care about your sleep or how much it is bothering you. It shows a lack of respect for your needs and your belongings."
"I would imagine if he blatantly defies and ignores your needs in this 'small' way, he is probably doing it in more major ways, as well, or else, he WILL. Good luck with this guy, OP. Pay attention to the signs." - Old-Basil4774
"Girl, this dude does not give a flying f**k about you, holy S**T, and then turning it around like you've never said anything before? Absolutely f**king not. It seems like a 'small' thing, but this isn't how you like your coffee in the morning; this is your physical health and well-being."
"Let's turn it around: he can't even respect the 'small' thing you've asked, so what makes you think he will respect something bigger?" - Shine_Onyx
"You are underreacting, in my opinion. This should have been one conversation, maybe a couple of reminders. Then you tell him to find other sleeping arrangements."
"NOR. I would dump him. And especially acting like those conversations never happened? That's not just carelessness, that's malicious. There's no coming back from that."
"If you really wanted to f**k with him, you could start acting concerned about his memory loss and begging him to go to a doctor. Make it seem like this isn't the first thing he's forgotten. Gaslight him back, LOL." - possiblethrowaway369
"NOR!! I bet he has a video game system or laptop... Maybe ask him if he would like it folded in half?"
"Oh, he doesn't? Oh, he wouldn't like you to do it again? How about 60 or more times?"
"Then dump him." - coldcanyon1633
"It's not leaving over a pillow. It's leaving over him being an absolute jerk who doesn't care about OP."
"It's leaving him over saying, 'I don't care about you and you're crazy" 60 to 70 times. He's doing it with a pillow, because that SEEMS like a small, inconsequential thing, but it's a cover for constant, open disrespect."
"Plus, on top of not respecting boundaries with the pillow, his actions aren’t just about using an extra pillow that she considers hers."
"Heaven knows my husband and I play-fight and sometimes get exasperated over pillow 'thievery.' This situation involves his insistence on continuing to do something that she has repeatedly told him damages a difficult-to-replace item that is the only one she’s found that helps reduce her chronic neck pain."
"That’s a whole additional level of a**holishness and contempt. Add to that his malicious gaslighting. Just wow." - Dappled_light2734
Others agreed and urged the OP to break up with her disrespectful and inconsiderate boyfriend.
"Would you do this to anyone you cared about, OP? This guy has zero respect for you and is purposely trying to break you down so he can call YOU crazy and quick to anger. Lose this manipulative douche, please." - Yandoji
"NOR. You asked 60 to 70 times, explained that it causes you pain, and he still does it. The issue isn’t the pillow; it’s that he’s ignoring a clear boundary and then blaming you for finally snapping. It's time for him to go and a new neck pillow to come in." - mareusk
"I would genuinely break up over this. He doesn't care about your health or your pain or your well-being, and he's gaslighting you to the point of madness and then blaming you for that, too." - shgrdrbr
"I can only imagine how many other ways he is inconsiderate, too. It can't possibly be just this one thing. He obviously doesn't really care about her, and this may be the straw." - Curlimama
"When you get up, take your pillow with you. Put it outside the room. He is not to be trusted to do anything you ask, so like a child, you have to take it away from him. When he doesn't like being treated like a child, break up with him. NOR." - Green-Dragon-14
"I like the suggestion I've seen a few people make to take your pillow with you, but I'm worried he'll just find another way to make you miserable. Finding ways to mitigate the harm he is doing is not the answer; you need to get rid of the source of the problem."
"You shouldn't need to hide your stuff from your partner to stop them from deliberately wrecking it; that's not a relationship worth saving." - BeautifulDeparture19
"There's this quote that I fondly remember from a number of spy movies and shows: 'Once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern, three times is enemy action.'"
"They never mention anything beyond three. I wonder why... (sarcastic comment)."
"I hope you kick him to the curb, OP. NOR." - juliainfinland
"If it's not the pillow, he will move on to something else to piss you off. My first husband was like this. It won't change." - Short-Classroom2559
"Leave him. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t do this. He doesn’t care. Believe him when he shows you."
"I didn’t and am now almost divorced from someone who showed me a long time ago what he thought of me; I just didn’t want to hear it." - Relevant-Fox9940
Using someone else's pillow is such a small issue, it's clearly a sign of something bigger: in this case, disrespect and medical neglect.
Plus, if the boyfriend wanted to accuse the OP of blowing this out of proportion, why couldn't he stop using her pillow or purchase one of his own, if it really was "no big deal"? Clearly, there was something bigger that he wanted to prove, and to the subReddit, what he was proving wasn't anything good.
