There's little that can stir up conflict between siblings more than money.
More often than not, one sibling having more money than the other is simply an elephant in the room that no one wants to address.
In other cases, siblings that have less money than one of their siblings tend to resent it when they cover or pay for everything, feeling they are flaunting their wealth.
Then there are those unfortunate occasions where people expect their wealthier siblings to cover everything, almost literally.rtjk
Redditor prebuttered and their sister were both fairly comfortable financially.
However, the original poster (OP) often found himself footing the bill whenever he went on an outing with his sister.
Leading the OP to consider skipping a fairly important event in his sister's life.
Wondering if he would be wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for skipping my sister's bachelorette party because I always pay for stuff?"
The OP explained why he was seriously considering skipping his sister's bachelorette party:
"I (25 M[ale]) will be serving as my sister's (29 F) best man at her upcoming wedding."
"We've been quite close for a while and I'm really excited to celebrate her, but I very much so don't want to attend the bachelorette weekend, and not for the reasons you would expect."
"My sister is a lesbian, and many of the people in her bridal party are also queer."
"In short, there will be men/non women at this bachelorette party."
"I assumed I wouldn't attend this sort of thing because I guess I figured brothers don't usually go to bachelorette parties, but my sister's friends have been asking me to confirm my attendance, 'as sister is counting on it'."
"Her friends have planned a trip to Nashville with an Airbnb and plans to hit a few bars."
"While that sounds awesome to me, I've recently felt as though my sister abuses the fact that I have some money saved away."
"I went to business school on a financial-aid scholarship and earned a good job in a big city."
"I'm by no means rich, but compared to most people from our hometown, I'd say I'm doing well."
"With that being said, I lead a simple life."
"My lifestyle costs are rent, food, phone, transit pass, insurance, and going out with friends."
"I'm a big saver and put most of my money away into investments."
"My sister also does well and lives somewhere with a much lower cost of living, (85k or so in a small suburban area)."
"I'd note she spends money on experiences more than I do (concerts, trips, fancy food, etc), and is more invested in having nice clothes, appt, car than I, but I'm not one to pocket watch."
"The Nashville trip rubs me the wrong way because I came into town to surprise my sister for her birthday and felt taken advantage of."
"We went out with a bunch of her friends and my sister joked that the night was on me because I am 'rich'."
"Her and her 9 or so friends all drank on my dime, and I genuinely paid like 1.5k after dinner and a late night worth of drinks."
"I regret not standing up for myself, but my sister and all of her friends took this to be so natural."
"Like not even a discussion."
"Her friends laughed when I thought my sister was joking because I'm the rich little brother that lives in the big city."
"I followed up with my sister about this and got lowkey gaslit about not wanting to treat her for her bday."
"To be clear, I would absolutely cover my sisters things on her birthday, but when it's like 10 people I don't even know sipping tequila sodas on my tab I feel used."
"I really love my sister, but I've always felt like she can get what she wants out of me."
"Not even money wise, like she likes to be spoiled and knows I wouldn't say no if she asked me to fetch her a Diet Coke from the Swiss alps."
"Sometimes I feel manipulated, but I'm also aware that I'm one of the people she counts on most in this world."
"I love my sister, but I'm not comfortable footing bills just because I technically probably could."
"AITA for not wanting to go to a bachelorette party because I fear I'll be taken advantage of?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole if they skipped their sister's bachelorette party.
That being said, just about everyone also agreed that the OP needed to stand up for himself a bit more, with many urging him to consider at least talking to his sister before skipping her bachelorette weekend entirely:
"NTA, but you do need to learn to stand up for yourself."
"A good start would be by telling her honestly why you are skipping the bachelorette party."
"That you are worried you’re the one that has to foot the bill and feel like you’re being taken advantage of by being expected to pay for not only her, but also all her friends."
"Also, consider spending some money on yourself once in a while."
"It’s nice to save, but you can’t spend it when you’re dead."- Yocta
"NTA & I disagree with the comments saying to discuss it in advance."
"Because she will lie to get her own way - she will tell you that no one expects you to pay this time."
"Which means you will feel safe going on the trip - and then you’ll find out that they do expect you to pay."
"Just say that you can’t afford it because you spent £1.5k unexpectedly on her birthday."
"That was your available 'bachelorette trip' money but now it’s all gone."
"Stick to that story."
"Make it clear that you would have loved to go but can’t afford it."
"Also - have you rehearsed what you could have said at the birthday dinner to avoid paying?"
"If not, that’s something to figure out."
"If (when!!) she ever does that to you again, what would you say to keep things polite but avoid paying."- amberallday
"NTA - I think it's fine to excuse yourself from the bachelorette party, I'd say."
"But I do think you need to have a heart to heart with your sister and let her know that, while of course you're happy to pay here and there as a gift or to help her out when she's in trouble, it would be appreciated that you be asked in the future instead of volun-told into spending your money on her and her friends."
"It sucks, but sometimes you have to put your foot down when it comes to family, especially the ones that think that just because you have money, that you're everyone's personal ATM."
"If she loves and respects you as real family should, it might be a bit of an embarrassing conversation but one that is taken to heart."
"The problem has come about that you, frankly, don't trust your sister anymore (understandably) and that's the saddest part here."
"Maybe try and explain to her that her actions leave you feeling like your only worth to her is whether or not you can foot the bill for her lifestyle, and that you'd like to try and get your relationship back on track."- silver_thef*ck
"NTA This really sounds like a set up to get you to pay again."
"Make an excuse unrelated to that and don't go."
"The more they pressure you, or bring up that your sister is 'counting on you' the clearer it will be that means 'counting on your wallet'."
"If I you bring up the money issue now, you'll only face a huge storm -- precisely because your sister wants your money now."
"That's why this time it would be easier to just make excuses."
"You will have to bite the bullet in one way or another at some point though."
"I've always felt like she can get what she wants out of me."
"Not even money wise, like she likes to be spoiled and knows I wouldn't say no if she asked me to fetch her a Diet Coke from the Swiss alps."
"Ultimately this is on you."
"You can change this."
"You don't have to make a huge deal out of it or justify yourself to her -- in fact you can be quite calm about it and say that just to let her know, your personal circumstances have changed, so she can't expect you to pay for her and her friends for things like her last birthday."
"From now on she can't just expect or volunteer you to pay."
"She probably won't be happy about it and will try to get you to justify yourself with her arguing against you -- which is why you shouldn't even start down that road."
"Keep calm and say it like it's a done deal. It's personal and you don't want to go into it."
"You're just letting her know."
"All you have to do is be a rock and she can't move you."
"In a while the storm will abate and she will have readjusted her expectations -- but if you cave, you'll have done more than undo everything -- you will have taught her to ignore what you say and just keep pushing until you crack."
"Don't do that to yourself."- kurokomainu
"NTA."
"DO NOT GO!"
"FYI - I used to live in Nashville."
"Don’t spend your time or money going (at least not for this type of event)."
"It’s GROSSLY overpriced (aka REALLY expensive) to drink & bar hop Downtown (Broadway) & in the other areas (Gulch, E. Nashville, etc.) that the Bachelorette Parties go to."
"Even if you were only paying for you & your sister, you could easily rack up a $500 tab in less than 4 hours (depending on where you’re at & how fancy your drinks are)."
"IMO, you need to stop giving in to your sister’s manipulative behavior."
"She’s taking advantage of your bank account, but you are letting her."
"Your sister & her friends probably do enjoy your company, but in this case they also want (& have probably planned) for you to go on this Bachelorette Party adventure to help subsidize (or fully pay) for their partying."
"If you go, be prepared that just the 2 Nights out (your sister & friends drinking) will probably be $3K-$5K (at minimum)."
"This isn’t including the hotel, transportation, breakfast, lunch, &/or other activities."
"It sounds ridiculously inflated, but the prices are obnoxious & the tourist ‘party’ bars/restaurants are the worst."
"If they want you to go along for the Bachelorette Party, then tell them you can only go 1 night in your local area (& you won’t have any credit cards to pay for anything, just $100/your budget $ in cash)."
"I think spending a small fortune for a 3 day destination party is ridiculous, but it’s now a thing (& I would also refuse to go)."-ABL228
It's truly unfair that the OP should be expected to foot the bill any time he visits his sister.
However, seeing as his sister somehow can't see that this is a problem, it's sadly on the OP to make this clear to her.
Sadly, one shouldn't be surprised if the OP's sister might have some different ideas about her bachelorette party upon discovering the OP isn't footing the bill...
