In a bridal party, sometimes the people are just expected to show up at the wedding. For some, certain titles carry expectations of work to support the couple getting married.
The maid-of-honor is often expected to act as a de facto wedding planner. The best man usually is tasked with planning the bachelor party and making a special toast at the reception.
But what if the labor is expected without the title?
A bridesmaid turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a clash with their friend over their role in their wedding.
Logical_Book_7089 asked:
"AITA for threatening to quit my best friend's bridal party if I'm not made the Maid of Honor (MoH)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (27, female) best friend (28, female) is getting married! Yay! We've been best friends since 7th grade, and she was the MoH in my wedding a few years back."
"When she got engaged, I assumed I was going to be her MoH, but she told me that instead, she wants her brother (26, male) to be Man of Honor. I was a tiny bit offended, but okay. I figured I'd get to spend less money and effort—no arguments there."
"Then I find out that she still expects me to do all the maid of honor duties. I'm throwing the bachelorette party, I'm helping buy or DIY decor, I'm the point person for questions and problems on the wedding day."
"Me and the bride are very crafty people, and we DIYd a lot of stuff for my wedding, including bouquets and table settings. We'd be doing the same for hers, and I'd largely be expected to pay. I have no problem with the crafting itself, I'd happily do that as just a bridesmaid."
"Her excuse as to why her brother can't do any of this? 'He's such a young guy, I can't count on him.' When I pointed out that he's older than my husband, she just brushed me off."
"I got mad. I told her that if I'm doing all the MoH work, I want the MoH title, or else I'll walk. Maybe I'm vain for wanting the title, but I do."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I should specify, my complaint isn't mainly that I wouldn't get the credit, but that a man who didn't lift a finger would."
"She just expected me to do all of the duties her brother should be at least helping with, with no apology or explanation. If there was a good reason he couldn't even help, it would be different. But she's always sort of babied her brother."
"I'm 100% certain not making me MoH was not intended as a slight against me. It's a mixed gender bridal party (I had one too), and she's always been close with her little baby brother."
"She's always thought of him as a baby. She had a full on meltdown when she found out that he was listening to a song with sexually explicit lyrics when he was a senior in high school."
"It's very strange, because she's not like that with any other men, just her baby brother. She'd (rightly) lose her shit if I let my husband get away with what she lets him get away with."
"My biggest complaint isn't that I wouldn't get the title, but that some man who didn't lift a finger would get credit despite doing nothing. She's treated him like a little baby boy their entire lives."
"I said that she was infantalizing her brother and I felt slighted for being required to do work that a grown man was getting credit for. She dismissed all of it.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I know the bride is being an a**hole. There was no reason for the bride to create this set-up. If her brother cannot be counted on, but she wants him to have a place in her wedding party, she could have made him a 'bridesman'. It is incredibly unkind and unappreciative of her to expect you to do all that work as the 'ghost author' for her brother."
"I have tried hard to find a more sympathetic (to the bride) frame. She is not expecting you to do more MOH duties than you would have expected to do as her named MOH. Like, couldn't you do that for her without needing the title? But it's not the title that's your issue."
"I did try, but I think the part I couldn't get over is that she put you in this position WITHOUT a bit of regret, apology, guilt, shame... anything that made clear she realized it is not right to expect so much from someone without HER wanting—needing—to acknowledge how much she trusted and relied on you and what a gift you had given her."
"If you were aware of some powerful reason why she needed to give the MOH honor to her brother (instead of the honor of 'bridesman'); if she had asked for your support in this (versus just expected it); then I could see you possibly giving her the extra gift of supporting her from behind the scenes."
"But I can see why you are not feeling that generous. She seems to feel entitled to your sacrifice in (1) doing all the work and (2) letting her brother get the honors—without her ever even asking first."
"For your friendship, you might try talking to her one more time. But whatever you choose to do, I don't see you as an AH." ~ swillshop
"NTA. Just quit the bridal party. I was on your friend's side until you got the responsibility and not the title." ~ AvailableWhereas8832
"Ditto. You can't be expected to do all the MoH duties without the title. Little brother is lame. He totally COULD step up, I'm sure." ~ Fit_Exercise7881
"OP doing all the MoH work while the brother's just chilling is unacceptable. He will probably get the credit too. How is that any fair? Bestfriend is out of her mind for this." ~ IceSeeker
"If he can't do the MoH work he should be ranked Junior Bridesman and put in charge of the feather pen at the guestbook." ~ Quarantini
"Bride doesn't WANT little brother to plan these things because she knows he'd do a sh*t job or plan something that isn't what she'd want/expect." ~ IceRose81
"I was a groomsman at my brother's wedding. We are close, always have been. He picked someone else to be best man because we both know I'm a f*ck up and couldn't handle the responsibility."
"And I've always been fine with that. It would have been super weird if I had been made best man and someone ELSE did all the work, I wouldn't have even been able to do it—I'd be too embarrassed."
"All the people blaming the OP for being pissed about a title don't get it. If you're asking someone to do all the responsibilities, you give them a title. It's an exchange, and it means something."
"To ask someone to shoulder all the burdens of organizing/planning/buying all the stuff for your wedding and events surrounding it, but giving the honor of the title to someone else is deeply disrespectful. And defending it shows a real lack of self awareness." ~ Lallanath
"NTA. I was also on the bride's side until she expected you to plan everything. Giving him the title while you do all the work is BS." ~ koifishyfishy
"Why can't the man of honor step up and fill the role? Because only a maid of honour can be treated like an unpaid servant, silly. He gets all the accolades while a real woman can handle all the work." ~ phantaxtic; lefrench75; andronicuspark
"NTA. If the brother gets to MoH he can do MoH stuff. She can’t expect that from you." ~ Weaselpuss
"This is absolutely the point to focus on. Not title. That it’s fine if he’s maid of honor! But then she should count on him for those duties."
"Point is to not focus on ‘but if I’m doing this then I should get it’, while it’s the same point, the phrasing and focus is different." ~ swiggityswirls
"Exactly this, the brother gets the title and 0 responsibility while OP has to do all of the work? No, thanks."
"That said I would be cautious about walking away. If you’ve been friends since 7th grade hopefully you can work it out and her brother can step up and take responsibility for being MoH." ~ odysseyqueenx
"Instead of quitting the bridesmaid position, refuse to contribute beyond that position." ~ theZombieKat
"Yes. Point person day-of? Nope. Organize the bachelorette? Nope. DIY prep? Only if the rest of the bridal party are doing it too."
"Nobody can make you do work; if the bride wants to fire OP as a bridesmaid for not doing the work, that’s her choice." ~ calling_water
The OP didn't provide their final decision, but they got plenty of advice on what they should do.
