There are an infinite number of decisions that have to be made when a person is planning a traditional wedding, and unfortunately, there isn’t an exact to-do list, because everyone’s wedding day is different.
Sometimes, families can really clash when they cannot agree about the wedding day their loved one should want and what they’re expected to include in their ceremony, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor throwawayaitah101525 and his future wife wanted a small and simple wedding to focus on their love rather than the festivities, and he was weirded out that his sister put so much pressure on him not only to be included in his wedding party but to have her own exclusive moment to walk down the aisle.
When his brother-in-law and parents backed her up and began to pressure him to include her, the Original Poster (OP) decided enough was enough.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for saying I don’t care about my sister’s rejection sensitivity dysphoria and that I will be having my wedding the way I want it?”
The OP and his fiancée wanted a simple and sweet wedding day.
“I know sometimes it might seem like the answer is obvious, but I am honestly asking for the truth because I am getting so much pressure from my family that it is becoming unbearable now.”
“I (30 Male) am newly engaged. My fiancée (30 Female) and I have been together for two years, and we both feel ready for the next step.”
“We don’t want a big wedding. We both come from huge families, and we don’t want to deal with the costs and the headaches of planning a huge event.”
“Our plan is to go to city hall and sign the required papers. We would invite my parents, my sister, my brother-in-law, my fiancée’s father, sister, brother-in-law, and brother, as well as two of my friends (since they were the ones who set me and my fiancée up when we were in the armed forces). After city hall, we would all go out for dinner. We don’t want any other wedding stuff or any kind of reception.”
The OP was shocked when his sister tried to make his wedding day about her.
“When my older sister got married three years ago, I ended up being thankful I was stationed in another country and wasn’t at home (I was in the Air Force at the time). She had a huge, expensive wedding and then took an expensive trip to the United States for her honeymoon.”
“This is normal in our family, but watching the wedding on a live stream was enough for me. I was getting a headache when I was hearing about the planning second-hand.”
“My fiancée and don’t want that stress. I thought my family would have a problem with us not having a big wedding or only inviting my parents, sister, and brother-in-law.”
“But actually, my sister got upset because she wanted to be my fiancée’s Maid of Honor. We aren’t even having a Maid of Honour and Best Man or a wedding party at all.”
“Even if we were, my fiancée would want her own sister to be Maid of Honor, and I know who that would be, and it would not be my sister.”
“My sister also thought she would get a special role in the wedding as ‘Sister of the Groom,’ which isn’t a thing as far as I know.”
“She wants to have a moment where she walks down the aisle alone before my wife does. I’ve never seen anything like that at wedding I’ve ever gone to. Only the bride or one half of the couple (and sometimes the father) walks down the aisle.”
The OP’s sister did not take his rejection of her ideas well.
“For full disclosure, my sister has ADHD, and with that, she also has something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).”
“She takes rejection really personally, and even though my parents sent her to therapy before, she still takes it hard when she thinks someone has rejected her, even if they haven’t really done that.”
“I told her my fiancée and I aren’t having a wedding party or a wedding where other people have a special role or moment.”
“She feels rejected, and now my parents, my brother-in-law, and other people in my family are pressuring me to change my mind.”
The OP wanted to make his wedding day about his wife, not his sister.
“Am I wrong for telling my sister and everyone else that I don’t care if she feels rejected and won’t change a thing about the wedding?”
“It gets annoying to have everything revolve around my sister’s feelings all the damn time. I don’t think it’s wrong for me and my fiancée to want our wedding day to be about us. (Instead of giving my sister the role of Maid of Honor/Groom’s Sister and letting her be the center of attention, like she wants).”
“My parents and my brother-in-law are the worst offenders, and I ended up telling them (and everyone else who pressured me) that I’m done talking about this and to never bring it up again.”
“AITAH for this? I just want to have my wedding the way my fiancée and I want it. But my family has never gotten so upset at me about anything else before, so I wonder if I overstepped.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his sister was struggling with her ego, not her RSD.
“This isn’t even about her ADHD or RSD. This is about her being entitled and self-absorbed. She is used to getting her way to avoid upsetting her, and now she has turned into someone who wants to make everything about themself.”
“That’s not her ADHD, that’s her ego.”
“I’m guessing she didn’t make OP’s fianceé her Maid of Honor, so funny that she expects it for herself.”
“OP, have the (non) wedding that you want. It’s about you and your fianceé, not your sister, your parents, or anyone else. Everyone is either welcome to join in your plans for your marriage, or they are welcome to stay home.”
“And let them know the conversation is over. The next time someone brings it up, tell them it’s not up for discussion. Then leave/send them home/hang up the phone. Every. Single. Time. Also, don’t be surprised when your sister shows up in a bridesmaid dress.” – JustKindaHappenedxx
“This… letting her have her own way all the time is making her problem worse. Instead of hassling you, she needs to go back to therapy… and so do your parents and BIL to learn how to not make her worse.”
“Have YOUR wedding how YOU want it. NTA.” – Outrageous_Rabbit842
“Jesus. RSD is something you have to work on, not something that means everyone has to give in to you to prove that they ‘really care about you.'”
“I have ADHD. I sometimes get RSD. It sucks. It’s hard. It also doesn’t mean I get to demand to get my way all the time.”
“NTA. You need to be firm with your sister. It seems like no one else is willing to.” – TheRoadkillRapunzel
“One more time for the Self-Absorbed Sisters in the Back: Your neurodivergence is not your fault, but it is your responsibility!”
“I have the ADHD. And the RSD. Catch me on a bad day, and if I ask you if you like apples, and you tell me that actually… you prefer pears…? I. Will. Spiral.”
“But, like, to myself? It’s not your job to reassure me that your preferred pip-fruit has any bearing on your opinion of me as a person. That’s a me opportunity to sort out.”
“NTA, OP. Your sister needs to get herself to a therapist. Or, if she’s already seeing one, she might need to find herself a different one…” – potterforpresident
“Instead of saying, ‘I don’t care if [you feel] rejected and [I] won’t change a thing about the wedding,’ something like, ‘I understand that you’re feeling left out. You aren’t the only one, by far, and there are many left out far more than you are. This occasion isn’t what you’re used to, but just as you had your wedding the way you wanted, I need to have my wedding the way I want.'”
“Then drive it home, ‘You are alienating me, which is not helpful to our relationship, and I need you to recognize that this isn’t about you and not wanting you involved, it’s about what we need.'”
“Otherwise, she really does not have to be there; it’s not her day; she already had hers.” – SkinnyA**Hacker
Others agreed and urged the OP to reconsider who he invited to his wedding.
“NTA and I would tell your parents, Sister, and BIL that if they mention it again then NONE of them will be attending the small occasion you have planned. You’ll just elope and have some random witnesses. That should shut them up.” – Alternative_Owl_3710
“The two who set them up could be their witnesses. OP’s side of the family needs to F**KING chill. It’s not his job to manage his sister.”
“ADHD is not a mental illness. She is neurodivergent. However, she has to learn how to manage her feelings. Her parents and family should get her appropriate support to that end.”
“OP should have the wedding they want.” – Keetcha
“OP has probably been doing that most of his life. Every birthday, Christmas, Halloween, every milestone, and now it’s his wedding that he has to make even more concessions for his sister. He hit his breaking point.”
“‘No, this is my day. Not hers. I’m doing what my fiancée and I want. I don’t give a flying f**k what she wants. I don’t care if she’s feeling rejected.’ Honestly, just don’t invite them!” – swordrat720
“Suggest to your BIL and parents that it might be a good time to send your sister back to therapy. TELL your sister and parents that the wedding will happen precisely as planned.”
“You hope that she and her husband will be there to share your special day, but understand if her mental health issue keeps her away and that you love and support her regardless of her choice.”
“TELL your parents that they are actually encouraging her mental illness and that they allowed her to have the wedding she wanted, and that you will have the wedding YOU and your fiancée want and you absolutely won’t entertain any discussion about changes.”
“If they don’t let it drop, then employ, ‘Say NO, then go.’ Reiterate that this issue has been decided and you won’t discuss it further, THEN disengage. If it’s text, just don’t respond. Phone call, say goodbye, and hang up. In person, walk away.” – celticmusebooks
“NTA in any way. This is your wedding to have however you want it. Your parents/BIL aren’t helping her manage the condition; they are enabling her and feeding it. They should focus on what support she needs to manage this situation.”
“Tell them that if they can’t support you, they can watch it in live stream or you’ll elope.” – ConclusionUnusual320
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“First, a disclaimer: I have been told it is common in America, the UK, and other places for the wedding party to walk down the aisle. I hadn’t heard of it because, as I explained in my post, that isn’t done here.”
“Also, even if it were, my sister wouldn’t have been part of the wedding party. Period.”
“My wife would have chosen her own sister and her friends, and I would have chosen my friends. It would have looked very strange for my sister to walk down the aisle alone before my wife did.”
The OP was grateful to have the wedding he and his wife wanted.
“Now, for the update: We got married.”
“We had the wedding we wanted. On Friday afternoon, we went to the city hall, signed the paperwork, and had a very quick ceremony.”
“We invited my wife’s dad, her sister and brother-in-law, her brother and his fiancée, and my best friend and his wife. (My best friend and his wife were the ones who introduced me to my wife, back when my friend, my wife, and I were serving in the armed forces).”
“That evening, everyone went out to a nearby restaurant for dinner. Everyone took some photos so we can remember the day, but things were very relaxed. We all wore clothes we already had, and we kept everything low-key. My wife and I spent Saturday together, and we both have to work today.”
The OP’s sister and parents were not there to potentially ruin the day.
“We decided not to invite my sister, brother-in-law, and parents because of how they were acting.”
“The last straw was them trying to say my father-in-law was on their side and wanted us to have a big wedding.”
“He never said that. I actually think he was a tiny bit relieved because my wife’s sister got married this year, and her brother is getting married next year. My father-in-law doesn’t try to control the weddings of his kids. He helps out with errands if he’s needed, but he doesn’t try to control or change things.”
“I think he was relieved my wife and I didn’t have a big wedding, but he would never say that out loud or comment on his kids having a big or small wedding.”
The OP felt peaceful, despite his disgruntled family.
“My sister and everyone else are upset, but I honestly don’t care. I don’t think it is unreasonable for a couple to have the wedding they want, or to have all the attention on them when it’s their wedding day.”
“I can’t believe my parents and my brother-in-law are entertaining her ideas on this. If we did have wedding parties, my wife would want her own sister as the maid of honour, not my sister.”
“I don’t know where my sister got the idea she would get to walk down the aisle alone with flowers before my wife did, or have a special role as ‘Sister of the Groom.'”
“I don’t know why she, my parents, and my brother-in-law think they get to control my wedding. My wife and I are adults, we don’t live with any of them, and we have jobs/our own money.”
“I put my foot down that my wife and I had the wedding we wanted, and we will not be having any other wedding-related stuff. We are done.”
“My wife and I are ecstatic about being married, and that’s all I care about.”
Fellow Redditors reassured the OP that a rejection-sensitive individual could handle not being able to walk down someone else’s aisle.
“My husband has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria… I don’t think your sister’s issues with respect to your wedding were related to RSD because that’s not really how it works.”
“I think your sister may well have RSD, but she’s also got a bad case of Main Character Syndrome and needs to be center stage at all times, even when things are not about her. In other words, she’s just a self-absorbed a**hole at times, completely separate from her mental health conditions.”
“I’m glad you two had the wedding you wanted! Congratulations.” – HelpfulName
“I have pretty nasty RSD, and nothing here makes sense to me. I would be convinced they didn’t want me at the wedding and would be over the moon that they invited me, even though I was the groom’s sister.”
“RSD is weird, but it shuts me down way more frequently than it has me being pushy.” – SpillThattea2Me
“I feel like she was probably diagnosed as RSD when she was young, and the people around her decided that meant ‘never tell her no, or it will hurt her.’ So she has become accustomed to being able to ask for ridiculous things, and no one can say no.” – twistedspin
“This is what I think (I have ADHD myself). What’s worse is that I think the OP’s sister scored a victory in that the OP’s parents didn’t go. Not that he wanted them there after how they acted, but because while she didn’t get things her way, OP didn’t, either. Manipulation to the NINES.” – Kindly_Jellyfish_451
“Since she couldn’t make it about her, she caused strife that kept their parents from going. That they missed their son’s wedding will be a permanent sore spot on both sides, and since she’s clearly the golden child, they’ll blame him.”
“I‘ve been part of the exact same toxic family dynamics (in the role of OP‘s wife), and I‘m afraid there will be no coming back from that. We‘ve had a similar situation happen, and we‘re at the point of going no contact with my in-laws.”
“The thing is, this kind of stuff never ends with the golden child. What will happen if both OP‘s sister and OP and his wife want children, but OP‘s sister is struggling to conceive, for instance? There is no reason whatsoever with people like that. The demands get more and more outrageous and entitled. It‘s a nightmare.”
“As a parent myself, I cannot imagine missing my child‘s wedding because of my other child acting that way. But then again, my own MIL disinvited us from Christmas dinner because SIL was sick and ‘there‘s no reason to celebrate Christmas without SIL being here.’ It hurt at first, but we’ve realized since then how much more peaceful it is. I wish you the same peace with your wife, OP.” – HighOnCoffee19
The subReddit applauded the OP for knowing what he and his wife wanted on their wedding day and stood strong to honor that.
Even if involving his sister was a tradition in his country, he still wouldn’t be required to include her, especially since it seemed more like an issue of wanting to be the center of attention rather than feeling rejected.