Perhaps the most exciting thing about receiving news of a major change in our lives is sharing it with our nearest and dearest.
We almost immediately start to plan where and when this news will be shared.
Sometimes, however, we might find our big announcement disrupted, which we can't help but be frustrated by.
Especially if this disruption is deliberate.
Redditor Impressive-Bug-4534 was recently fitted with not one, but two positive changes in her life.
News she and her partner couldn't wait to share with his family, who were thrilled by this news.
Everyone, that is, except the original poster (OP)'s sister-in-law (SIL), who felt the OP's good news "overshadowed" her own.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for getting engaged a month after my fiancés sister and 'ruining' her moment with my pregnancy?"
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with her SIL:
"I (24 F[emale] am currently pregnant."
"The pregnancy wasn’t planned, it was a one careless weekend, and now we're here kinda thing, but my now fiancé (26 M[ale) and I are trying our best to get ready."
"For extra background, my fiancé and I have been together for 4 years this August."
"Marriage has been something we have talked about and agreed on, but my fiancé was always anxious about what-ifs and wanting everything to be perfect."
"About a Month ago, his younger sister (25 [female]) got engaged, and since then she’s had a 'this is my year' type mentality, and I have been all for it."
"Then we found out I am pregnant."
"My fiancé took it as a sign he was being a chicken and needy to make that next step happen of getting married."
"So he proposed, nothing flash or big."
"He recreated our first two dates, and we ended the day with a BBQ at my parents' house."
"She had texted my fiancé how we overshadowed her and that between the pregnancy and the engagement, we’ve stolen all the attention."
"She said she was tired of having to hear about us and how excited her aunts were while they were at her house helping her plan her wedding."
"My fiancé and I aren’t even planning a wedding right now, hers is next August, and we're kinda buying and preparing for a baby."
"His sister has also always had a short fuse, especially when it comes to my fiancé."
"For example, last year when we all attended a wedding, my fiancé was kind of the life of the party."
"Dancing, socializing, getting other people hyped, and dancing, was literally voted life of the party by the bride and groom."
"The next morning at breakfast, his sister went in on him, calling him an embarrassment and attention seeking."
"My fiancé has a lot of social anxiety, and I finally understood why."
"But to the main issue, we recently stayed with his parents for a weekend because they wanted to celebrate the pregnancy and the whole first grandchild."
"Most of the weekend was great, we went to the beach, hikes, dinner, but the whole time his sister was visibly upset and making aside aggressive comments everyone mostly ignored."
"Things really blew up while I was washing dishes; his mom came in to tell me how I shouldn’t be doing that and that I should be resting."
"His sister laughed and said, 'I thought we weren’t supposed to roll out the red carpet for unwed, unplanned pregnancies."
"His mom screamed her name, and I responded by asking what her problem was."
"It turned into an even bigger argument and screaming match where his mom was crying, trying to pull his sister away, and both fiancés and his dad came from the den to see what was happening."
"After my fiancé told me I shouldn’t have responded to her and made everything worse in an already stressed relationship."
"Part of me feels bad because I know things get really intense with his sister and that conflict really hurts and messes with him, but also another part of me feels like I shouldn’t have to just take her bitching just to keep the peace that clearly isn’t there."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in now, here they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided over whether the OP was the a**hole for the timing of her engagement.
Many felt that the OP's SIL had badly overreacted, seeming to be a person who always needed to be the center of attention, and were equally shocked by her partner's behavior:
"I'm sorry, you are engaged to a chicken."
"Even your MIL tried to stand up for you while your fiancé is just blaming you."
"NTA."- Black_Whisper
"NTA."
"But your fiancé is."
"He should be stepping in to defend you- so there would be no need for you to respond."
"Especially since you two are planning on welcoming a baby, he needs to be on your side. You two should be working as a time to protect each other and your child, and at least in this incident, he is not doing his part."- confused_friend5467
"NTA."
"Your entitled soon-to-be-SIL is kind of out of control."
"I do recommend you learn how to 'grey rock' her, though."
"Nothing you (or anyone else) say or do will get her to change her behavior."
"If you're pregnant at the wedding, everyone will ask you questions."
"If you have already had the baby, it'll be even more attention."
"Which is nothing you can control."
"Seriously. Ignore what she says and does, don't feed into it, use the grey rock method when you need to."- DisneyBuckeye
"Sounds like your fiancé is the golden child and his sister has been neglected by her parents for a while now."
"Regardless, you're NTA, but I reckon there's a bit more to this than just 'psycho SIL'."
"Having said all this, your fiancé needs to work on his anxiety and do a better job of being your buffer with her."- TimHung931017
"NTA."
"Sis just always has the need to be the center of attention."
"Also, what’s up with your fiancé?"
"He needs a spine."- BSBitch47
While some understood why the OP's SIL might have felt overshadowed, even if they still agreed that the OP did nothing wrong:
"NAH."
"I understand why his sister's upset that people who are supposed to be helping her plan her wedding are entirely focused on you two, but you two didn't do anything wrong by getting pregnant and getting engaged a month after her, it's her aunts who suck for only focusing on you two."
"This is about more than just her wedding and your wedding/pregnancy, it's about a lifetime of resentment for the way she feels she was treated vs. her brother."
"There's nothing you can do to overcome that."- StormCloudRaineeDay
Others had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or her SIL:
"ESH it sounds you are all too immature to be getting married and having children."- catseyeon
"I'm gonna be a bit of a dissenter, but tbh, I think ESH."
"If my sibling got proposed to literally 1 MONTH after me, and then my whole family pivoted from celebrating me to only celebrating my sibling, having a whole weekend get-together for their engagement, I would also be upset."
"I wouldn't, however, slut shame my brother's fiancée or start a screaming match over it."
"It also sounds like SIL might have some issues with wanting attention, considering the other story mentioned about her brother at another wedding."
"However, with how everyone reacted to the news that her brother is getting married by no longer talking about or celebrating her big news, I have a feeling she's probably been sidelined a lot in her life and has felt ignored during important moments where she deserves a little spotlight."- Shineybird
Then there were those who felt the OP didn't take her SIL's feelings into consideration, and was overshadowing her:
"I don’t know about this one. I think you kinda are the AH."
"By the sounds of things, the sister often gets overshadowed."
"This was her moment, and you did steal it away."
"You emphasize that he is the ‘life of the party’ but he also has social anxiety?"
"Sounds like that’s not really true, and the person who actually has social anxiety is the sister."
"There’s nothing you can do about getting pregnant."
"It is what it is."
"But you can show some empathy."
"She was excited for a wedding - but now people are thinking about a baby instead."
"She’s hurt."
"But unfortunately, you don’t care."
"You’re looking for validation to hurt her more - and you’ll get it on here."
"But YTA."- dark__unicorn
Not everything in life can be planned, perhaps nothing more than pregnancy.
Something the OP's SIL should have taken into consideration, rather than taking things so personally.
Even so, seeing the OP's fiancé race to his sister's defense, and not hers, one has to wonder if maybe their engagement is, in fact, good news...
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.