Most people who choose to be parents are excited by the idea of their kids one day being old enough to have kids of their own, so that they can become grandparents.
And then there is the subgroup of grandparents who treat their grandchildren like "their babies" or as "do-over" parenting opportunities, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ruinedbirth_trowaway did not have the greatest relationship with her mother-in-law (MIL), but her relationship only became more complicated when she got pregnant, and her MIL became incredibly overbearing, trying to make every decision for her.
When she found out that her mother-in-law intended to force her way into the delivery room, and her son was helping her with her plans, the Original Poster (OP) decided she needed to give birth somewhere safe and far away from both of them.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for 'running away' to give birth?"
The OP did not have a great relationship with her mother-in-law (MIL), but it got more complicated when she became pregnant.
"I (23 Female) and my husband (25 Male) have been together for four years, married for two, and we were expecting our first child."
"My relationship with my MIL was never amazing, but before this, she at least always kept to herself, and so did I."
"For the record, my relationships with my husband's father and my brother-in-law were always really good."
"When i got pregnant, I told my husband that I wanted to keep it a secret for at least the three-month mark, because my own mother miscarried five times in between my and my younger siblings, so I thought that this fact could affect my and my pregnancy, and because i remember the heartbreak of my mom loosing all those babies, i didn’t want our families to feel it."
"He totally agreed and even said it would be our cool little secret."
Come to find out, no rules would ever apply to the OP's mother-in-law if her husband had anything to do with it.
"TWO DAYS after I told him, I got a text from my MIL, saying that she knew it was a girl and that it was selfish of me to keep the news of HER baby girl away from her and HER family."
"I was around four weeks pregnant at that point, so I had no idea about the sex myself, so I don't know where all of that came from."
"I confronted my husband, to which he replied, 'You were not expecting me to hide this from my mom, right? She deserves to know; it’s my child, too.'"
"I was furious and didn’t talk with him for around a week after that."
"Needless to say, in the week after this incident, EVERYONE already knew I was pregnant, and people were even mad at me for wanting privacy on this."
The mother-in-law attempted to take over the OP's pregnancy.
"Then, the harassment from my MIL started."
"At around four months pregnant, my husband and I went to visit my family and left my MIL responsible for watering the plants."
"When we came back, a whole nursery was made. It was all pink with the name 'Olga Bertha' painted on the wall."
"Keep in mind that I had no idea about the gender still, and this wasn't even a name I would have chosen if I knew I was having a girl; this was the name she wanted if she ever had a girl!"
"Of course, this was an EXTREME privacy violation. I had a harsh conversation with her, she cried, and my husband then got mad AT ME because I was mean to his mom."
"But this was just the beginning of the harassment. She was sending me articles every day about the bad effects of working out during pregnancy, criticizing what I had for each meal, yelled at me because I didn't want extensive visitors during the first month after birth, started crying because I wanted to exclusively breastfeed... She literally said, 'Feeding MY baby is a critical bonding moment; you're stealing that from meeeee.'"
The OP already felt violated enough that she did not want her MIL present during childbirth.
"And then, of course, there was the talk about the delivery room."
"To sum it up, she wanted to be there, and I said NO. I only wanted my husband there."
"She seemed a little hurt but never talked about that again. It seems she accepted losing the battle, because she intended to win the war."
"Because while my husband was showering, a message from her popped up. We had a lunch date on that day, so I assumed it was the location or a time change or something, so I opened it, just to find HUNDREDS of messages between them."
"All about their plan on how she would get in the delivery room when I was too tired to argue to see HER baby being born, and my husband confirming to the nurses and doctors that of COURSE I would want her to be there."
The OP decided enough was enough.
"I cried a lot when I was alone; I'm not going to lie to you guys. But then I made peace with it and pretended nothing was wrong throughout that lunch."
"On the following Monday, I told him I was going to spend some days with my parents, and if something happened, I would tell him."
"I drove from North Carolina to Florida, where my family is, got into labor, and gave birth with my mom and my two sisters in the room to a healthy baby boy, all without my husband's knowledge."
"Now, my son is now two weeks old, and I finally told my husband what I did."
"He is driving down here and yelled at me for giving birth without telling him, and for not including him on the birth certificate or in the choosing of my son's name, and keeps saying that he and his mom will sue me for what I have done without them."
"AITAH for 'running away' to give birth?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cautioned the OP to stay as far away as possible from her mother-in-law (MIL).
"You need to let law enforcement know what is happening and get some help. Not to scare you, but he already sounded unhinged, and now he is enraged. Be careful. Speaking as someone who has worked closely with a domestic violence victim protection program." - Spirited-Volume-2007
"I'm more worried about the MIL, the 'my baby' talk from four weeks pregnant is unhinged. Then add on the nursery and breastfeeding stuff, I'd get an order of protection for her." - disgruntaled-pelican
"OP needs to have police ready for when he loses his shit and be ready to start a restraining order." - hashigraves
"NTA. As heartbreaking as it could be, stay where you are. Do not let him keep the baby alone; he would be the one to make plans with his mother on how to 'let his mom see her' and never bring him back home, all the while saying, 'She has a right to spend time with her grandson. He'll be okay with her; she raised me.'"
"And clearly, even if he agreed with you, he wouldn't tell her no, my son belongs at home with his mother and father." - Asleep_Objective5941
"I hope you kept screenshots of everything about the plan and the messages they sent you. Most likely, this marriage is over, but at least you are with YOUR support system. Keep copies of everything in case you need to expand your support system into lawyers or police protection." - residentcaprice
Others urged the OP to stay with her parents and to file for a custody order in Florida.
"Sounds like you should just stay with your parents. This marriage is over. He's putting his mother over your feelings and is completely unsupportive. And, what are they going to sue you for? I hope you took screenshots of the texts and planning with his mother, they will come in handy." - daysailor70
"Maybe file for separation and custody in Florida to lock in jurisdiction away from MIL." - allflowerssmellsweet
"NTA. You cannot be sued for not letting your MIL or your husband in your delivery room. Do not believe them. Nobody has a right to be in there besides you; you are the only essential part of the process - even your doctor and midwife need your permission to treat you."
"Your baby is a resident of Florida by being born there. Take advantage of this. Get legal advice before your husband arrives. You do not have to go back home with him, and you do not have to let him take your baby away from you."
"Assume your marriage is over. This is a good thing, because your husband is not on your side and only had a baby with you because he couldn’t have one with his mother. The emotional incest is deep between them, and he has no interest in stopping it. Your best bet is staying with your family in Florida. Get a lawyer ASAP." - IllustratorSlow1614
"I think op got really lucky because now the baby’s home state is the one her family lives in, and his crazy mom and he aren’t!! And I also think it’s lucky it’s a boy. That woman probably won’t be that interested since she already has her big baby boy doing her bidding." - SunRemiRoman
"I’d get those divorce proceedings rolling ASAP and not even ask for child support if her family is supportive of her and her decisions."
"She’s 23, and he’s 25. They’ve only been married for two years. Hopefully, he’ll soon forget about her. He has plenty of time to find himself a new wife to have lots of children with. Sounds like he needs to have his mother be part of his vetting process!"
"If OP is smart, she will stay in Florida and not ever take that child to North Carolina. She needs to send her father, brother, or big burly men to North Carolina to retrieve her property and bring it to her in Florida." - Jolly_Membership_899
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"Thank you all for your messages. The last 48 hours were the most insane I’ve ever had honestly."
"To go back where we left off, my husband arrived yesterday afternoon."
"Can you guess who also came? Yeah, his mom! That was nothing I wasn't already expecting, but it’s always surprising."
"When he car pulled up, my MIL was the first to come out, running up. They both got in the house, and my child was in my old bedroom (in my parents house) with my sister and mother. They came into the living room with my brothers, my dad, and me."
"The first thing that came out of her mouth was, 'Quit the bulls**t; my baby is a girl, right?'"
"I said that MY baby is a male, my family confirmed, and my MIL's face completely changed. She started crying, saying that this one was meant to be a girl, and if she knew I would give her another boy, she wouldn’t have been so nice to me."
"For context, my husband has one brother, and he is already done having kids; he has three boys."
The OP was done being polite.
"I told her to go f**k herself, that this child is MINE, not hers, and that I surely didn’t have a baby so she could fulfill her weird desires."
"She was about to raise her voice, but my brother stopped her and told her that it wouldn’t be accepted in this house, and asked her to leave and wait for my husband in the car."
"She gave me a dirty look and left. She didn't even try to meet my baby after finding out he was a boy."
The OP's husband tried to play the victim, but the OP was not having it.
"My husband looked at me and asked me how I could rob this moment from him."
"As you can imagine, I reminded him of the plan he and his mother had; you know, the plan that I took pictures of with my phone while looking at his phone about details for lunch."
"He turned pale, and then I think it all clicked together in his little brain."
"He started apologizing and saying that it was just to shush his mom and that he would never actually do help her see her plan through."
"After being pressured by my brothers and me, his speech changed to, 'But I'm also going through a lot in the delivery room, I need support, tooooo!'"
"My whole family started laughing in his face, he got angry, and he demanded to know my son's name and see him."
"I told him the name and allowed him to see him from afar. He asked to hold him and I declined."
The OP did not see a future for them together.
"After that, I talked alone with him and told him that I wanted a divorce."
"He cried, pleaded, and asked for another chance."
"I told him my decision was final, and that he didn’t have to financially support my child, but that our marriage was over."
"I asked him to come around the next day so we could discuss this better."
"He came, and his eyes were puffy, I'm guessing from crying, but he still had the nerve to bring his mom back in here with him."
"She looked at my husband and said OUT LOUD, that he should give me the divorce and forget about this kid, since it was a boy, and that he should find a woman who would give him a girl."
"Finally, I saw that dude get a little bit of a backbone, and he told her to get out, that she already ruined this enough. She yelled, as expected, and walked out."
"He cried and told me he finally understood the kind of harm his mom was making to our family and told me that if I needed him to go no contact with her to save our marriage, he would."
"I told him that I needed time to think, and told him to give me some days. He is returning to North Carolina, and in about a week, he will come down again so we can talk, without her this time."
"Now, I know what he did was horrible, but being a single mom at 23 is not ideal, and whether I like it or not, I still feel something for this man… Any opinions and recommendations are welcome!"
Fellow Redditors urged the OP to stay in Florida even if she gave the father of her baby another chance.
"If you decide to give him another chance, please do not move back to where he lives."
"If you move back and establish residency there, he can keep you from going back to your parents’ house with the baby later on. Right now, since you gave birth in FL, that’s your baby’s home state. Stay there."
"You did a good job of protecting yourself and your baby. MIL is a horrible person."
"NTA. He gave you no choice. I’m sorry this is how your PP period has turned out to be. You and baby deserve better." - KatesDT
"THIS IS THE ANSWER. Stay where you are."
"Tell him that if he actually wants to save the marriage, he will move to your area and establish his own residence. He will go 100% no contact with his mother for at least one year. There will be no calls, no texts, no emails, and no financial support, and you will have full access to all his devices to verify this."
"He will do weekly personal therapy to address his people pleasing and lack of boundaries. Furthermore, he will sign no-contest divorce papers, and it'll be up to you to decide whether and when to file them. And he will promise, in writing, that MIL will NEVER have direct contact with the kid; and if at any point he allows her contact with the kid, he forfeits any and all visitation rights. (Yes, I know this isn't enforceable, but he doesn't know that)."
"Tell him if he does this, it guarantees nothing. It does not guarantee that the marriage will be saved, or that you will live with him, or how much contact with the baby he will or won't get. It is the BARE MINIMUM necessary to avoid an IMMEDIATE divorce."
"And if this seems extreme, then he should take a real hard look in the mirror, and understand that he's looking at a slimy weasel of a man who was planning to betray his own wife's trust in her most vulnerable moment. So if he wants to be married to you, that means growing a backbone and standing up for his wife and his child and cutting the umbilical cord to become his own man, not mommy's agent." - SirEDCaLot
"Thank goodness OP has a good family. So many women get stuck with horrible partners when their parents turn them away." - Responsible_Joke8618
"You also clearly have a loving and supportive family. Whether you reconcile with your husband in the future or get divorced, a non-toxic and supportive family is so important when raising children. And staying near your family will help you keep your head clear if you try to work things out with your husband and he goes back to his old ways."
"I will remind you, though, that he showed a part of his character to you that should be alarming: If he agrees with you, he will support you. If he disagrees with you, he will go behind your back and plot to disrespect you in your most vulnerable moment."
"Please think really hard if that is the type of partner you think you deserve. I personally think you deserve way better. There are some things that can’t be undone, and there’s no going back. Is this one for you?" - JustKindaHappenedxx
"Talk is cheap. Do one year of separation, and if in this time he steps up massively and keeps his mum cut off, plus couples counseling and individual therapy, then you can review divorce then. And two forms of birth control, at least."
"NTA." - Maximus_Duckmas
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP's former mother-in-law tried to take ownership of her baby while she thought the baby might be a girl, and they were furious with her and her baby when her husband went behind her back and supported his mother's delusions.
Fortunately, the OP had a supportive and loving family to turn to. The call was coming from inside the house, but at least in this case, the OP was able to leave that house and go to a much better one, for herself and for her newborn son.
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