Sometimes people try to stay together "for the sake of their kids," but often, it would be better for the kids to experience their parents one at a time.
That's especially true when there's a lot of arguing happening in the home, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Background_Meeting58 was pregnant with her second child with her husband, and despite being on bed rest, she was becoming increasingly anxious and stressed out because of constant fights with her partner.
Because of his constant outbursts, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if it would be helpful, or even safe, to have her husband in the delivery room with her or around their newborn baby.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my husband that he cannot be in the delivery room with me?"
The OP was on bed rest and needed more help from her husband for the rest of her pregnancy.
"I (27 Female) am 31 weeks pregnant with our second child and currently on modified bed rest because of concerns about preterm labor. We also have a toddler (3 Female)."
"Since I am limited physically right now, I told my husband (29 Male) I need him to take more ownership of the house and follow through on things he says he will do."
"I told him I cannot keep carrying the mental load, making detailed lists, and then not being able to trust that things will get done."
The OP's husband lashed out, and it turned into one stressful argument after another.
"This turned into a two-hour screaming fight. He told me I have not cooked or cleaned 'in a year,' even though the months before this pregnancy included four miscarriages, and I am now on bed rest."
"He said I am too critical of him. He also has mentioned that my job has taken me away from being an involved mother (I work 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM like everyone else)."
"He was fired from his job two weeks ago due to executive function issues on his end, and I'm the sole income earner. I'm still working in bed with a laptop, because I'm a programmer."
"This is also not isolated. In another major fight this week, he called me a b***h and told me I make his days miserable."
"He tried saying it wasn't that bad because me calling into question his competence is worse."
"Last night before bed, he told me to 'shut the f**k up and get out.'"
"Both fights left me sobbing uncontrollably for hours. These arguments have taken place after my daughter was asleep, thankfully."
The OP no longer felt emotionally safe having her husband around her in vulnerable situations, like the delivery room.
"After the latest fight, I told him he will not be in the delivery room when our son is born."
"I am not trying to keep him from meeting his son or from being involved as a father. But labor is a vulnerable medical event, and I do not feel emotionally safe enough to endure it with someone who has recently been screaming at me, insulting me, and making me feel unstable while I am at risk for preterm labor."
"I feel like the person supporting me during labor should make me feel calm, protected, and safe. Right now, he does not."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some challenged the OP on what her daughter was actually going through in that house.
"Some of my earliest memories were my parents fighting after I went to bed and then the cold, uncomfortable atmosphere the next morning at breakfast. I was three when they divorced."
"The little girl will remember. She does feel the tension in the air and the emotions running wild. Even if she has a good dad, that girl will feel horrible listening to those fights." - SkysEevee
"I heard my parents fighting all the time. I stuck around with my abusive ex and had three kids with him. When I finally left him, my son (four at the time) told people, 'Daddy doesn't live with us anymore because he made my mommy cry.'"
"They know more than you think." - New-Boysenberry-613
"Speaking from experience... she knows and will be happy the day you guys divorce. Took my mother a very miserable decade to finally build a spine and part of me resents her to this day. Don't make the same mistake." - GlitterDoomsday
"She knows. She knows, and you're in deep denial. She deserves better, OP. You do, too." - Inevitable_Pie9541
"You really believe your little girl 'sleeps through' your screaming fights?"
"I was that little girl, and I knew from tender years how much my parents fought, despite their believing I was 'asleep' or didn't know."
"He's not a good father, or a good man. He's abusive, and you're showing your daughter by example that a woman should stick around and take abuse. Trust me, she hears you crying, and she knows why."
"You need an exit plan." - Inevitable_Pie9541
Others agreed and urged the OP to form an exit plan before the situation got even worse.
"Wait until a newborn is added to the mix. I don't see how things will be better after the birth."
"Exit now. Then he won't need to be there at all." - emryldmyst
"'I do not feel emotionally safe enough to endure it with someone who has recently been screaming at me, insulting me, and making me feel unstable while I am at risk for preterm labor.' Your marriage is over."
"'Shut the f**k up and get out.' You need to see a divorce attorney. I am guessing your toddler was home during your two-hour screaming argument." - hopingtothrive
"1. Make sure you are safe. Get your parents in, get friends or family in. Make sure there is a social barrier between you and him. The number one priority is to get a safe childbirth for you and your son."
"2. Get him help. If his behavior changed drastically, he needs help. Something happened. Can be physical, mental, anything. Get him help. You DO NOT have to stay with him through it, but you can point him toward help."
"3. Don’t kid yourself. It doesn’t sound like he was the caring partner before, chores being done and caring for his family?" - Square-Radio8119
"Things may move quickly soon. Just in case, next time he leaves the house, gather important documents and put them in a purse or something."
"Even a seldom-used appliance box tucked in the manual. Then have a friend/family member come over to 'borrow' the item and get those documents somewhere for safekeeping."
"Then, if things calm down, bring them back in a couple months. If not, it’s one less thing for him to hide or take."
"Also, make him a doctor's appointment. Yeah, we all know he’s an adult. Do it anyway. Also consider drugs, gambling, anything he might have gotten into from the miscarriage stress."
"And, your marriage is likely already over. Is this the role model you want full-time for your son and other child? Sorry."
"NTA." - AugustCharisma
"Nope. Absolutely the h**l nope."
"If you make him so miserable, he knows where the door is. Let him leave. Your mental health will skyrocket. It'll be hard at the beginning, but it will get infinitely better."
"He's chosen your most vulnerable time to be this way. I get he's stressed, too; of course he is, but he's taking it out on the one person he should be protecting."
"Tell him he's not only not gonna be at the delivery, but he's not welcome in the home either, and he won't be welcomed back until he gets some kind of professional help." - Think_Substance_1790
Some urged the OP to document her husband's behavior and potentially put him on the path to getting help before exiting.
"Get him to see a doctor. Sudden executive issues enough to lose a job combined with sudden behavioral changes could be an indicator of a health problem. It could be many other things, but it's important to rule out health issues." - AuntieDabQueen710
"I’d say also that you need to tell your family and his family exactly how he’s been treating you, what he’s saying to you. You need people to know that you are being treated badly, because your family needs to be on your side and be a line of défense between him and you until he addresses his abusive behavior." - The_Death_Flower
"I would secretly record it so she can have proof. They may not believe her when he denies it. Plus she may need it for court too." - MelancholyMexican
"Others need to know how he's treating you. Otherwise, he'll get ahead of it, spinning tales about 'hormonal' and 'unstable.'" - carmelfan
"Maybe he was always a horrible person, but he has kept it hidden, and now his mask is slipping, and he is showing his true self? Definitely sounds like he is escalating and not handling the pressure of having to be an adult parent/partner."
"I’ve been married 36 years, and my husband has NEVER called me a b***h, not even as a joke."
"This guy is showing her who he really is. The most dangerous time for a woman in an escalating relationship is when she is pregnant. She definitely needs to tell everybody what is happening in her home, including her medical team."
"This guy got fired from his job, is abusing his pregnant wife, and is likely going to be left home alone with their vulnerable child while OP is giving birth. This scenario is alarming in so many ways. This guy has all day to help take care of op, their toddler, and their home. The fact that he is not is appalling."
"OP needs to make an escape plan and a postpartum recovery plan for her and her kids." - tamij1313
"If this behavior has only happened recently, I would be concerned he has a mental or physical illness."
"I’m not excusing his behavior, which is terrible, but it kind of sounds like he’s having a mental breakdown."
"What exactly caused him to get fired? If he got fired for similar behavior at work, then something is going on that is more than him lashing out at you specifically. If this is all recent behavior, something is off. If he had a stressful job and he got fired, I think the guy is just falling apart mentally."
"If my wife suddenly started acting like this, my first thought would be we need to take you to the doctor because it would be so out of character. I’m thinking of the cases I read where a person was suddenly aggressive, and it turned out they had a health issue like a brain tumor is one I remember - it was impacting their impulse control and making them aggressive."
"Above all, make sure you and your child are safe, but this man needs help, in my honest opinion." - themanfromvulcan
Fellow Redditors gave her advice for the actual question the OP raised, too.
"I think having him or not having him in the delivery room is the least of your problems. But no, he shouldn't be in there with you." - diane91162
"You're the only one who gets to decide who you want next to you during delivery. If you don't want him there, those Labor and Delivery nurses are experts in keeping him out."
"Everyone is running on empty considering everything you've described. Four miscarriages and a pregnancy and bed rest, a toddler, and you're the sole income earner. Of course, you're at breaking point."
"He's probably feeling helpless and taking it out on you."
"Can you go stay with a parent who can take care of you? You need to remain calm. I understand he's not pulling his weight. You will have to leave the mental load to him. Leave him to handle things and take care of your toddler."
"If it doesn't get done, then it doesn't get done. The most important job you have is to keep that baby safe by remaining calm and unbothered. I wish you well. You will both need a therapist to get through this together." - NextSplit2683
"If you do not want him in the delivery room because you are concerned with his behavior, then that is a sign you should not be taking your newborn and other child back to where he is living." - RunJumpSleep
"While at the hospital, OP can have anyone she wants to have with her in the delivery room, but she doesn’t need anyone there as a social barrier. Because she has nurses. Nurses will maneuver anyone not wanted by the laboring client out of the room. If necessary, they’ll be trespassed out of the hospital."
"All she has to do is tell any nurse that she doesn’t want him there, or doesn’t feel safe with him there. He won’t be there after that."
"She can even write that on the top of an admission form, if she doesn’t want to say it out loud." - perseidot
"Tell the hospital your plan and who is and isn’t allowed in your room. Let the nurses and doctors be the bad guys and enforce the rules. You shouldn’t have to deal with that while in labor."
"Make it clear to the nurses that under no circumstances is anyone other than the people you name allowed in while you are in labor, and you don’t want to hear about anyone asking to come in until after your son is born and you and baby boy are starting to settle."
"Protect yourself and your son and daughter. Let your family and close friends know what’s going on and your plans so they can help. If you don’t feel safe at home for the remainder of your pregnancy, look into other arrangements for yourself and your daughter if needed."
"Also, not sure if your husband realizes, but the stress he is putting on you with these fights is not good for you or the baby and could cause you to go into early labor. He is causing you the same stress that bed rest is supposed to relieve. Maybe even clue your doctor into the situation so they can help."
"You deserve better than this. Your husband needs help to deal with whatever he has going on. He should not be taking his anger and frustration out on you ever, but especially not now. He is tittering on the edge of being emotionally and verbally abusive to you." - trapped_4_life
The subReddit was worried about the OP's health during her pregnancy after a history of complications, and they were equally worried about her daughter's well-being throughout all of these fights.
Even if the OP considered this a marriage worth saving, she needed to set boundaries right now while her husband got help, so they could potentially get back to how things used to be.
