It's almost laughable when a person walks out of your life to take care of themselves and turn around, furious to see that you're doing life better.
Though this dynamic could happen with anyone, it's a broken record among toxic ex-boyfriends, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DigGrassanova had been with her soon-to-be ex-husband for over a decade and was excited to finally start a baby with him, at least until he filed for divorce, stating that he was still young and needed to be free, when she was just weeks away from giving birth.
But the Original Poster (OP) soon found that she had the upper-hand when she moved back home to a supportive family, making it much easier for her to raise her baby with or without their dad.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for moving back home after my husband left me, even though I'm pregnant?"
The OP had been with her husband for a long time, but not long enough for him to stick around for the birth of their baby.
"I've been getting cruel messages from my ex, his family, and our friends for the past few days."
"My soon-to-be ex-husband, Levi (33 Male), and I (28 Female) have been together for a decade and married for five years. I'm currently pregnant with our first baby and due next month."
"After I graduated, I moved back to his hometown (a major city on the west coast) with him. I'm from a bigger city in the Midwest, but I loved living out there. I thought we were happy."
"We planned our baby and were so excited. But a few weeks ago, he told me he was going to file for divorce. He said he didn't want to be tied down anymore; he was still young and needed to live his life, etc. He said there was nobody else but I know since then that he's been seeing someone."
"He wanted me to move out, but this is my house, too; I even put down the down payment. So he's been staying with his friend, Louis."
After doing the math, the OP decided to make a big move for herself and her baby.
"I can't afford to live here on my own while maintaining my lifestyle. Sure, I COULD make it work, but it wouldn't be the kind of lifestyle I'd want to live, especially with a baby."
"I make really good money, but it's so expensive. I have friends for sure, but it's not the support system he has. I have no family here."
"So I've decided to move back home, and luckily, my company has a location in my hometown, so I was able to keep my job and the same salary."
The OP was pleasantly surprised by how her family stepped up to support her.
"My parents have been so supportive. They're divorced and hate one another but have come together in their hatred of Levi, which is interesting to see."
"They've secured me a nice rental home in my city and refuse to let me pay them back, saying I need to save to buy my next house. They're paying for my divorce lawyer and my copays at my new doctor here, as well."
"They're paying said I'm doing the right thing for my baby and are happy to help. Plus, my mom is about to retire and even wants to watch my baby while I work after my maternity leave."
"So it's been an ideal situation for me!"
But Levi was less than impressed by all that the OP managed to do for herself.
"Levi is furious. He's claiming that I moved to get back at him and am going to try to keep him out of our baby's life."
"I explained very clearly that I couldn't afford to be a single mom in San Diego, but he doesn't believe me. He's told everyone that I moved back to get the upper hand on custody."
"That's not why I moved, but it's definitely a plus."
"His job doesn't have any locations here, and they won't keep him if he moves. He could get another job here, of course, but he says that's too much to ask of him."
"I told him I'd be going for child support once the baby is born, and he told me I needed to make up my mind: could he be a dad or no."
"I told him he was going to be a dad regardless, and if he doesn't want to move here, then he would be a dad by paying child support."
The OP was sure she was doing the right thing for herself and for her baby.
"I don't think I'm the a**hole. I think I'm doing what I have to do."
"But I don't know what I'm supposed to say to all these people who are texting and calling me and telling me that I'm keeping Levi's baby from him."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA, and her soon-to-be ex-husband was just jealous that she was doing well for herself in his absence.
"OMG, an OP who already took the steps to protect themselves... This is so refreshing!"
"To the Randos who have an opinion... WHO CARES?! Seriously, you're pregnant; protect your peace and reply to none of them. Don't give them a reaction."
"Don't reply, save all messages, call logs, and voicemails. (Also, if you have proof of his infidelity, save that for custody and divorce proceedings, and listen to your lawyer.)"
"(Also, I'm kind of super proud of your parents and I love that they came together for their child and grandchild, love that.)" - Ready-Conflict-1887
"A guy who bails on his wife while she's carrying his baby that they planned to have together isn't someone you should rely on. He left because he doesn't want to be tied down. Being a good parent is a MUCH bigger commitment than being a good spouse. So, he's almost certainly going to half-ass fatherhood."
"Maybe he'll grow the f**k up at some point, but OP shouldn't bet on it. He chose to leave. It's on him to make the effort to be a dad, if that's what he truly wants." - GarbageCleric
"It does not make sense to pull everything back in your life so you can care for y'all's child while he treats you like some kind of free nanny and he lives his best life while you are suffering. You keep doing you, and if he wants a part in thi,s he can bring his a** to you." - brineme753
"The fact that OP has a chance to be close to her family, who have stepped up in preparation to welcome the new addition speaks to the fact that OP, who will be responsible for the majority of childcare if her divorce and custody agreement fall out like most, is a good thing."
"Also, by moving while pregnant, she avoids the court issues of moving a child out of state and a court potentially ruling on her life decisions (this happens). In that, it was a super smart move!"
"Having her mother step up and offer daycare is PRICELESS, and an unexpected bonus of her decision to move." - 2dogs1life
"Why do I get the feeling that he's trying to punish you for his choices?"
"He wants to have a free lifestyle, so he boots you out of his life, but then gets all butt hurt that he can't keep controlling you and your life by keeping you in close proximity."
"How dare you just move home to your family where you have support instead of begging and pining over him and struggling to make rent and to raise the baby that he very likely wouldn't be very involved with after the novelty wore off."
"Make no mistake, he won't be there for night feeds and long hours of teething and colic. He'll come over every other weekend (so long as it suits him), and that'll taper off soon, too."
"At the same time, he'll criticise your parenting, what you spend your money on, and won't be happy once you move on with a new relationship because while it's okay for him, for you, 'it's different.'"
"You absolutely did the right thing moving back home, where you have support and a safe environment to raise your child."
"Remind him that it was he who pulled the pin on the relationship. Also, why is moving away from his family and support too much to ask of him when he's apparently very comfortable with demanding exactly that of you?" - MapHazard5738
Others agreed and were sure that Levi assumed that he'd created an easy path for himself, not realizing how resourceful the OP would turn out to be.
"You did the right thing. He wanted his freedom, and now he has it! He's probably p**sed that you're not begging him to stay."
"Good for you, sweetheart! I'm proud of you! And your parents ROCK!!" - crying4what
"First off, congratulations on your baby! Second, don't respond to those stupid texts; you can block those numbers. If he sends any hateful texts, especially now with the baby, you can save those and use them in court if he ever tries to go after you."
"What you need is a peaceful time before delivery and a stress-free postpartum lifestyle. And go for child support. He's the one who wanted to leave for a free lifestyle, now he's got it." - FMobile-5851
"If I were having a child in this situation, I would 100% choose my mother over this piece of s**t."
"It'd be one thing if it was by accident, but if you PLAN to have a kid with your wife and then immediately bail on her before the kid' born, there could be a few reasons, but none that would make me think he's ready to be a good father." - tham1700
"He likely wants 50/50 so he (thinks he) doesn't have to pay child support, but then really wants to leave the baby with you most of the time, anyway."
"In reality, child support is separate from custody when there is a disparity in income between you two."
"And if you prove that you're still shouldering the majority of the costs of things like childcare, medical costs, clothes, school, etc. It's not the get out of hell free loophole men think it is." - Apathetic_Villainess
"Levi knew what he was doing; he wanted out of the relationship and wanted to do what he wanted to do, while you waited for the baby, and he could come in and out as he pleased."
"What Levi didn't anticipate is that you have more self-esteem than he banked on!!"
"Now he's manufactured a smear campaign to make you look like the bad guy because he doesn't want to be made accountable for driving you away."
"You have the option of ignoring everybody and forwarding the harassment to your attorney, and you have the option of exposing your ex by sharing your truth. Either way, you made the best decision for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being as a pregnant woman."
"Congratulations, mama! Keep doing the best for you and your baby." - GabrielleArcha
The subReddit loudly applauded not just the OP for being brave and making moves for herself, but for her parents recognizing what was important and coming together to support their daughter and future grandchild.
It was clear that the OP's soon-to-be ex-husband was not mature enough to take the next step in his life, and since he wasn't, it only made sense for the OP to surround herself with people who were.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp