Boundaries are important.
Sometimes boundaries may sound arbitrary.
But boundries, no matter how innouculously sounding... are still important.
Crossing them can lead to a lot of drama.
Redditor Kind-Koala-3123 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for ruining my brothers girlfriends postpartum?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (37 F[emale]) have one brother (33 M[ale])."
"We have always been close, and he has never, until last year, had a relationship."
"He met his current G[irl]F[rined] (32 F), and she got pregnant about 2 months into their relationship."
"We were all so excited for them."
"It was very soon after she started getting very opinionated, and my family decided we needed to watch what we said around her because she often spoke about how she cut people, who she didn't agree with, out of her life."
"So we were careful."
"Well, about 2 weeks before the baby was born, she sent out an 9 page document outlining how her postpartum would go."
"It was mostly about her needs, but she did mention the baby and my brother once or twice."
"It involved no visitors, no unsolicited advice, and we weren't to ask about delivery, feeding, and more."
"Overall, it was about her listening to her body during this time."
"I thought it was a lot, as I have had 5 kids, but I did not question the email."
"My brother said he didn't agree with it all, but she was the one having a baby, and I didn't argue."
"Fast forward, baby was born when we were on holiday."
"They shared pictures."
"We were happy for them."
"When we got back from our trip, I checked in, and I told my brother to let us know when they wanted visitors."
"I was surprised when he said, come after work tomorrow!"
"I told him if he changed his mind, to let me know."
"I checked in after work the next day, and he said he wanted us to come."
"We ate our dinner, brought them some, stayed for about 30 mins, and left."
"All seemed great."
"Again, fast forward; we have given space."
"No advice or visits occurred."
"Well, about 6 weeks later, GF posted online 'a father doesn't love his kids if' followed by a list of reasons."
"This is my downfall."
"I responded with a 'I agree, but relationships are two-sided, consider changing father to parents.'"
"Well, this was a BIG mistake."
"She had a full-blown meltdown online."
"Saying I was disgusting for putting family business online."
"I hit a nerve."
"I then texted an apology; it was also not received well."
"I called my brother to apologize and explain."
"He said he didn't understand why she was mad, but asked if I could call and apologize again."
"I did."
"I said if I had any more 'concerns' that I would talk to her personally, not online."
"I thought it was over."
"I then get a text from her saying I have ruined her postpartum (this was about 7 weeks after the baby was born) by adding stress."
"I apologized again."
"I admit my mistake and knew I shouldn't have commented, but I did it anyway."
"I still believe what I said, though; relationships are a two-way street involving both people putting in equal work, but I know I should have continued ignoring her wacky ideas and walking on eggshells around her."
"I know this and regret it, but still don't think that one comment warrants 'ruining postpartum.'"
"We have a family gathering this weekend."
"I am dreading it, but also looking forward to seeing my niece and brother."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for commenting on something she posted publicly and 'ruining her postpartum?'"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, the only thing ruining her postpartum is her childish and selfish attitude." ~ scrapples000
"Honestly, yeah."
"The minute she sent a nine-page document with no questions asked, it was clear she was looking for reasons to start drama."
"Blaming OP for ruining her entire postpartum over one polite Facebook reply is top-tier main character syndrome." ~ willow_canvas28
"NTA, but she probably needs professional help."
"She might have some kind of mental illness going on, exacerbated by her pregnancy and childbirth."
"9 pages of rules sounds like an obsession with control." ~ YourGeniusIzShowing
"It's abuse."
"Call it what it is."
"If the roles were reversed and it was a man sending out a 9-page document to a woman's family about how they have to behave moving forward, there would be widespread condemnation and calling it abuse, because it is."
"Part of abuse is isolating from support systems, which is what this action accomplished." ~ forsuresies
"It's abuse."
"Call it what it is."
"If the roles were reversed and it was a man sending out a 9-page document to a woman's family about how they have to behave moving forward, there would be widespread condemnation and calling it abuse, because it is."
"Part of abuse is isolating from support systems, which is what this action accomplished." ~ forsuresies
"I would have been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt if it were just the page of rules."
"Maybe she’s had some real boundary pushers in her life, I don't know."
"But what pushes it over the edge is the Facebook post subtly shi**ing on her own baby daddy and forcing a problem between him and his family."
"Because for me it’s like — she attempted to isolate him by making the list of rules so daunting that nobody could possibly follow them all, and then, when that didn’t work because the family actually followed all the rules, she switched her tactic to be pissed about something entirely unrelated."
"If it wasn’t the FB comment, it would have been something else, because she is prepared and waiting for a moment she can take advantage of to isolate him." ~ foundinwonderland
"NTA, The girlfriend is nuts." ~ Ok-Formal1004
"I am so sorry, dude... your brother hitched his wagon to a godd*mn drama queen after knowing her for 2 measly months, and now you’re gonna be stuck with her for god only knows how long."
"Clearly NTA."
"You do not need someone like this in your life. Ignore her as much as possible." ~ Status-Slip9801
"This. I'd consider setting some boundaries/rules of engagement (not that you tell her them, just live them)."
"No more apologies for this mistake you made, and you move on."
"If anyone brings it up again, you just say 'I apologized and have not repeated the mistake, so there's no need to discuss further.'"
"Never comment on social media posts, even privately - posting on socials is for attention (good or passive aggressive, which is how I interpreted her post), so you 'like' the posts that are positive and you support, like a pic of a baby, and you just ignore everything else."
"And I recommend looking up the 'grey rock' method for interactions with her, to minimize giving her a chance to blow up OR make you look like the villain." ~ SafetyFluid8535
"NTA. Your brother's GF seems to be a person who's never heard the word 'no.'"
"She posted something on a public forum."
"People are going to react and comment."
"It's the nature of social media." ~ Justis29
"How in the hell does a post online merit this drama?"
"Just tell this woman to cut the crap."
"You're worried she'll cut you out of her life."
"Turn it around on her."
"Raising a child is rough."
"Does she want help and support from family or not?"
"She has the right to raise her child her way; you have the right to walk away."
"Every time you pay attention to her drama, you reward it."
"The family meeting should tell her to cut it out." ~ LhasaApsoSmile
"She was waiting for someone to blow up at."
"You didn't ruin her postpartum; she was looking for an excuse to cause drama. NTA." ~ DollySheep32
"Not sure why your family would be thrilled for a pregnancy after 2 months together."
"She sounds like a nightmare."
"NTA, but stop catering to her."
"Your brother can go to court to get a custody arrangement."
"Sounds like she has some serious problems." ~ Prudent_Border5060
"NTA. Prob will be the minority, but too many people take it too far."
"You love your brother, you love your new nibling, you were trying to do right with the demands."
"Sometimes, no matter what you do, you will be wrong."
"She was probably looking for a reason, and unfortunately, you gave her one." ~ Chance-Idea1090
"NTA. But take this as a warning - you just got a glimpse of what dealing with her is going to be like from here on out."
"One comment should not 'ruin her postpartum.'”
"But it sounds like she was determined to find something wrong."
"First clue was the 9-page letter of needs."
"So just understand that, no matter how careful you are, you are going to offend her on a regular basis and there is nothing you can do about it." ~ bamf1701
"NTA. There’s a type of person who gets addicted to JustNoMil stories and TikTok drama to the point where they (subconsciously?) start recreating it in their own life, even if there isn’t actually any drama there."
"The best way to deal with it is to not engage."
"Engaging gives them the drama they crave and validates their worldview that everyone is ‘out to get them.’"
"Just let her fizzle herself out." ~ tipsytoess
Reddit is with uou, OP.
Your SIL is asking a lot.
Yes, childbirth is a lot... but there are limits.
Hopefully, everything will calm down.
