A parent's main goal in life is to love and protect their kids.
And that starts well before the delivery room... and definitely includes it.
A mom-to-be should be able to decide who is there to support and who isn't.
Redditor beautifullybroken94_ wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to let anyone back in the hospital with me when I give birth except the dad?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am 31 F[emale], we'll call me B, am expecting my first child."
"After two losses, this is my first full pregnancy that I've been able to experience and enjoy."
"I'm currently 20 weeks and considered high risk due to some medical issues."
"They're inducing me at 36 weeks."
"I'm already stressed and scared, and my child's father agrees with me, so we made a rule: no visitors in the hospital whatsoever."
"We decided we wanna spend as much time as we can with the baby, and then make arrangements for everyone to visit AFTER we get out and get settled in."
"Well, here's where I wanna know if I'm being cruel."
"My sister found out and told my other siblings, and it got back to my child's father's mom, and now everyone is blowing me up, saying I'm being 'selfish' for not wanting visitors right away."
"His mother even said she was going to make arrangements with her work to come to town to see the baby, but didn't even ask first, she just assumed she could."
"I just don't want my baby overwhelmed and touched by 92930494 different people in her first few hours on Earth."
"And I just wanna enjoy the time I can alone with her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Don't tell them when you're at the hospital."
"Let them know baby arrived once you get home." ~ Actual-Swordfish1513
"It's time for Dad to step the f**k up."
"He needs to be a full-blown shield and protect mom and baby at all costs."
"Mom shouldn't have to deal with ANY of this garbage."
"Any additional stress on mom right now is absolute bulls**t and can't be tolerated."
"NTA. Obviously."
"I am a new father myself, and in our birthing classes, it was paramount that dad needs to handle all the things so moms can take care of what's most important." ~ DigitalMunkey
"NTA. Congratulations!"
"How exciting!"
"Birth isn't a spectator sport."
"You don't have to allow anyone in unless you want them there."
"Tell the nurses, and they will enforce it for you."
"It's beyond rude for anyone to assume they will be allowed in the delivery room or even to visit the hospital, beyond the baby's parents."
"Tell your child's father to step up and handle his own family." ~ westgateA
"NTA. You are in charge of who comes into the hospital with you."
"Fortunately, baby's dad is on board with your decision, and that makes it easier, but even if not, YOU are considered the patient and in charge."
"You should be able to be comfortable going into, during, and recovering from birth."
"It's a big deal, both physically and emotionally, and anyone present should be there improving your experience."
"That's sweet, people want to meet the baby, but they can wait."
"Congratulations, and I hope everything goes smoothly!" ~ WastingAnotherHour
"NTA and from experience, do not bend or hesitate to exert your boundary, no matter how much of a tantrum they throw."
"That was by far my biggest regret when I had my first baby."
"It's not about them, and they can do things how they choose when it's them giving birth." ~ boringllama_
"NTA. During COVID, this was normal policy, and I was told by the nurses it was so much better for the preemies." ~ BadOpposite1980
"NTA. You're a person getting a medical procedure, not a public museum exhibit, and you're entitled to privacy."
"If various relatives want to throw a tantrum about it, that's their problem." ~ Countess_Sardine
"NTA. Honestly, this is simply the policy of many hospitals these days."
"Babies are out of the hospital pretty quickly these days, so there's no reason your family can't wait a couple of days." ~ BrewertonFats
"You already know this, but NTA - there's really not anything else to say."
"It's a major medical procedure with a newborn extra susceptible to illness."
"You won't be able to explain that to your family so being an asshole or not really isn't the issue (because you aren't) because they obviously feel a type of way and a Reddit post isn't going to change their mind."
"So you'll just have to be ready for the family backlash… or let them be there, I guess, which is really what your problem is." ~ whale188
"NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport."
"It's your baby." ~ yellowjacket1996
"NTA. No one even needs to know you've given birth until you're ready for visitors."
"Want a whole month?"
"Just tell them the doctor messed up your due date."
"Want everyone off your back?"
"Agree that they can visit, but then just don't tell them you went into labor. Just make sure that your husband knows not to spill the beans."
"This is private medical information."
"You'll be going through a major medical event."
"And then recovering from a major medical event."
"You don't owe anyone s**t." ~f ashionably_punctual
"NTA. Your baby, your rules."
"Don't tell anyone your induction date."
"Let your partner handle his mom."
"Let everyone know that as a pre-term baby, your PEDIATRICIAN recommends very limited contact for the first few weeks."
"Whether your ped says that or not, it's a good idea."
"So that doesn't mean it's an open house for anyone and everyone."
"Once visitors do arrive, enforce strict rules."
"No illnesses at all, and everyone has to thoroughly wash their hands before holding the baby."
"Some people have no common sense, so you have to decide for them." ~ Fabulous-Anywhere-22
"NTA, my daughter waited six weeks before welcoming visitors, and I was totally supportive because that's what people who love you do."
"Pay attention to those who feel their experience with your baby is more important than yours." ~ Dogmom_3
"NTA: This is the time for your child's dad to shine."
"You focus on being well, and his job is to contact extended family and say something like, 'We are excited about the baby. Stand by for my call to let you know when we are ready for visitors.' That's it."
"Nothing more."
"No explaining."
"And when you are ready for visitors, he can then call." ~ houseonpost
"NTA, there's a time for everything, visiting is suitable a week or two later, not during birth." ~ Illustrious-Unit-636
"NTA. You don't know how you will feel post-birth."
"Also, it's your decision, and I'm disappointed in your family for not understanding where you are coming from."
"I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly!" ~ sideglancegirl
"NTA... and don't let anyone pressure you to do anything you're not comfortable with (this stands for all parenting because, as it turns out, opinions are like a**holes- everyone has one, and they all stink)!"
"Congratulations and best wishes for a safe delivery. :) " ~ RIVERL0TUS
"NTA. Set up boundaries and stick to them now."
"You don't give a s**t if they decide to invite themselves- they will not be allowed in."
"This is not about them and their feelings."
"It's about the safety and well-being of you and your child."
"Honestly, if they keep it up, block the numbers and tell them they are the ones being selfish. Making YOUR delivery and the trauma that comes with it about them."
"And you'll not be tolerating that or responding to any messages about the matter any longer."
"You need to focus on your well-being."
"Not their unwanted opinions." ~ WhatTheActualFck1
"NTA. This is a deeply personal experience between you, your partner, and your baby."
"Enjoy those special days or weeks before anyone else visits."
"Sorry that your family is putting you through this instead of understanding and respecting your boundaries." ~ Unfair-Enthusiasm581
"NTA at all."
"It's your baby, your medical care, and your recovery."
'Do what you feel is comfortable for you and your new family."
"My family member recently had a baby, and they sent a message saying the wife was in labor - didn't say which hospital - and said they would not answer calls or texts and they would send a group message after delivery."
"And then they were not allowing any visitors for the first month after the baby was born."
"They needed time to settle into their new lives and for new moms to have some recovery time."
"They sent a couple of photos every week, and that was it."
"In this day and age, people can get photos and videos directly, and they can even FaceTime if they have to do that."
"There is absolutely no reason why anyone needs to crowd up on them while they're trying to learn the ropes with a newborn and healing from childbirth."
"I was so proud of them for standing for standing their ground on this." ~ AirportPrestigious
Reddit is with you, OP.
You need time as a family to bond.
It would be nice if your loved ones were making this as "stress-free" as possible for you.
You take care of your own health.
That is what's most important right now.
Reddit was loud and clear.
Good Luck and Congratulations!!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp