New parents need help.
As the saying goes... "It takes a village."
But, the village may not always be necessary.
The new parents have responsibilities as well.
One Redditor wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to cook for my partner's brother after his wife gave birth?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My partner's brother (29) and his wife (27) are expecting their first kid in a few days."
"My partner is close to them, while we have only been together for two years, so I don't have that kind of connection with them."
"After giving birth at home, they want to be with the baby, just the three of them for a while."
"So they decided to do some kinda tradition where we (close family, us, the grandparents and 1-2 friends) have to cook for them for a while (not specified for how long)."
"They made a cute little Excel file, with a timetable, ingredient list, what she can eat, etc..."
"My first reaction was 'What a cute idea!' because I thought it'll be a one-time thing, the first time we visit them to see the newborn."
"Plus I thought it's gonna be for the wife, who literally just gave birth, so she needs the nutritious food, totally understandable."
"I was wrong."
"They want to stay at home, while those people on the list bring them homemade food, do the groceries, and basically bring anything they need for an unknown period."
"While I understand and support the idea of bringing specific food for the mother (who'll be exhausted), I can't overlook the fact that I'm not only gonna feed her but her husband as well..."
"He will stay at home (not working from home; he is unemployed with some side hustles), practicing his 'father role' while we cook for him and his family; helping her wife with the baby, I assume, but he didn't specify..."
"When I raised my issue to my partner, she said I'm overreacting; it's a really sweet 'tradition.'"
"Why do I have to be a party pooper?"
"I told her that I just can't see why a grown man can't cook for himself while being at home and not working."
"'It's a tradition so they can see who they can trust and who can help them in the future,' my partner said."
"She already collected some recipes and bought some ingredients, but after the fight she shut me out; she just told me to forget about it if I don't want to help."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for not wanting to cook for her brother? Should I just suck it up and do my part for a month?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. What a creative new way to exploit the people who love you…"
"Having a baby can be exhausting, and especially in the first week or two it makes sense to ask for help, but for an unspecified time?"
"When both of them are home and capable of ordering food when they’re exhausted?"
"Entitled." ~ 50-POTATOS
"Not to mention a creative way to offload their grocery bills to someone else… NTA." ~ rialtolido
"The best way to have food ready is to make and freeze as much as you can before the baby is born."
"The polite way to visit someone with a newborn is to bring some food, spend a minimum amount of time taking up the mom's social energy, and maybe do a few light chores while you are there if you are very close."
"But honestly that is a one time see the new baby affair, not an ongoing service."
"Death in the family or birth in the family equates one casserole dish sized meal from close friends and family further outside the circle of grief."
"But it's one the people bringing it to decide if you are gonna do it or not - demanding it is tacky." ~ Music_withRocks_In
OP had some info to give...
"Plus info: We are kinda living month by month, on minimum wage."
"Our finances are mostly separate; I pay the utilities, she pays everything related to the car, but the groceries are mostly separate."
"Her brother just told my partner how much his wife is gonna get after giving birth (we do have a 2-year maternity leave here, government gave money while you are at home with the kid), kinda bragging about it."
"It'll be 2,5x the amount I got in a month."
"He said it'll be pretty awesome because the baby doesn't need anything other than food (which is free), so they want to spend it on other non-baby-related stuff."
"I only heard about this a week after they sent us the food 'tradition' file."
Reddit continued to weigh in.
"NAH. This is actually super common in some cultures (minus the excel file)."
"The whole idea is that the new mother and father are going to be overwhelmed and focused on the new baby."
"They will both be sleep deprived and running on empty."
"The community comes together to support and remove the extra weight of grocery shopping and cooking, which is a major chore in the early days."
"It usually lasts the first couple of weeks, sometimes the first month."
"The 'casserole train' used to be a common response to childbirth, deaths in the family, new moves, and other major changes."
"I would kind of examine why so many people expect the man to be doing so much less hands-on child care."
"Yes, if she's nursing, there will definitely be an unfair distribution, and she will be recovering from childbirth."
"But I get the feeling a lot of people in the thread are assuming that he's not doing anything."
"He could still be running all the other errands, cleanings, making sure his wife has time to rest, and providing childcare that isn't direct feeding."
"When people talk about the 'village' - this is often part of the village, contributing materials and services to support people at times like childbirth, and when you need that help and support, people reach out to help you."
"I don't think OP should participate. It places them in financial hardship - they just don't have the resources or capacity. It's okay to say no."
"People who are trying to make her feel guilty are wrong." ~ Cloverose2
"This is a good take."
"Helping new parents with meals and household chores is literally what being a village is."
"If money is too tight to gift groceries or a ready-made meal, then maybe there are other things OP can do to help."
"Household chores like doing dishes, taking out the trash, wiping down some surfaces and general tidying up."
"It’s the small things that get left by the wayside when you’re sleep-deprived, and when they pile up it’s almost overwhelming." ~ vesper_tine
"I too think it’s odd that everyone assumes the husband will have plenty of time to cook."
"Unless you have what some people call an easy baby, dad will be exhausted, busy, and sleep deprived for the first week or two too (if he’s carrying his weight, that is)."
"My first baby needed lots of hands on attention to keep happy, and my husband and I were both majorly sleep deprived for months." ~ joyce_emily
"NAH."
"Being a new parent is hard, and cooking on top of that isn’t necessarily easy."
"That said, if he wants to practice his 'father role,' that does include cooking."
"Plus you and your gf are strapped for cash."
"I’d say do it once with your own money, and then only do it if someone else is paying and you want to do it." ~ AceyAceyAcey
"NTA. Someone else having a child does not mean anyone else is forced to be free labor for them."
"If someone wants to do this, they can, but if someone doesn't want to, it doesn't make them a bad person."
"Tell your partner that if they want to cook for them, they can certainly do so."
"In the same way they should not force you to participate, you should not force them (or even cajole them) to not participate." ~ False_Appointment_24
"NTA. I do not know where you live, but I for one have never heard of such a tradition."
"Where I live there is a tradition of a friend, or family member, setting up a meal train for the new parents."
"But it certainly is not for more than a few days to a week after they come home from the hospital."
"Even during those time, it is usually one meal a day, and certainly not all three meals involving shopping lists and approved recipes."
"Your partners brother and SIL are way over the top here!" ~ Expensive_Excuse_597
"NTA. That is ridiculous."
"A whole excel spreadsheet?!?"
"A meal maybe once, but not indefinitely."
"I’d tell your partner you can’t afford it and maybe make a budget meal that avoids any allergens for the wife."
"But also tell your partner they can do it by themselves." ~ Wildcar_d
"NTA. Since when did childbirth become this complicated?"
"I had a baby, friends offered food for several days."
"Hubs took a week off work and took care of housework and the other kids, then we carried on."
"This is over the top!" ~ jstbnice
"NTA, parents are just being lazy."
"I had paid leave from work when my children were born, was able to cook and clean and help my wife with the baby."
"We didn’t expect or get many meals when people visited."
"Didn’t need people to clean and watch the babies all the time."
"It’s doable, just have to want to do it and not be lazy nor entitled." ~ Beanbith
Reddit is behind you, OP.
You have every right to your feelings.
