I dislike when people suggest doing something just to "keep the peace."
What they're really saying is why don't people let some toxic person walk all over everyone so the problematic person doesn't throw a tantrum.
I'm my Mother's daughter, so indulging bad behavior isn't in my DNA. Why keep the peace that isn't really peaceful when you can eliminate the problem and achieve real peace?
A new mother battling cultural expectations and a toxic mother-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
LocksmithVegetable41 asked:
"AITA for not letting mother-in-law (MIL) help wth my confinement and insulting my hubby in the process?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (24, female) just had my first baby with my husband (27, male) and in Nigeria, we have this tradition called omugwo, where either of our moms comes to help out after childbirth."
"I wanted my mom to come because we have a better dynamic, but my MIL is way more traditional. We just don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, especially household stuff."
"Lately, I've been really struggling postpartum. I don't like being touched, I'm super sensitive to light and sound, and everyone has respected that except my MIL."
"We've always had a decent relationship, just not when it comes to how things should be done around the house."
"A few days ago, she called to ask when she should come, and I politely told her I had already asked my mom."
"She lost it, saying that's not how things are done, that she needed to bond with the baby, that I was being disrespectful, lazy, and keeping her from her grandchild."
"I corrected her and told her she would see the baby, just not be living with us. She immediately called my husband, but thankfully, he backed me up, saying it was my choice since I was the one who gave birth."
"Fast forward to the day my mom was supposed to arrive. She was already being so supportive, even telling me I should just let MIL come for peace's sake and they could be here together, but I stood my ground to too many people in the house."
"Not even a minute after my mom arrived, MIL showed up with father-in-law (FIL) and her bags, ready to move in. I told her no, she wasn't staying here."
"I'm Nigerian and currently living in Nigeria. She came from like states away. How she found out the exact day my mom was coming, I don't know, because my mom and I reside in the same state."
"My mother is the most non-confrontational person and very diplomatic and didn't want to argue with her. My husband as well, but when she came and I spoke about not wanting her there, she flew off the handle."
"She completely lost it, yelling that I was a bad daughter-in-law (DIL), an even worse mother, and that I wasn't giving my child what he deserved. My husband stepped between us because she was about to lunge at me. He tried his best."
"At that point, I snapped. I told her I didn't want her here because all she'd do was criticize everything I was doing wrong while giving her son a pass for being lazy just like she did with her husband and her other son."
"I told her she wasn't going to come into my home and make me feel like a maid, and that I deserved to be surrounded by people who actually love me, not people who pick and choose when to care."
"I also said she wasn't going to use my child as a second chance at parenting because she failed the first time."
"For context, my MIL has 3 kids, two boys and a girl. My sister-in-law (SIL) is the first born. My MIL shipped her off to her grandma's house—her own MIL—because she didn't want her around because she wasn't a boy. SIL hasn't really gotten over it, but things are a bit better."
"I just had a baby girl. Maybe that's why she's so insistent. Not the first grandchild. My SIL has 2 kids, twin boys, and my BIL has a boy too. First granddaughter, though."
"The second the words left my mouth, I regretted them. My husband who had been so supportive just looked so hurt and walked away."
"MIL looked like she swallowed a whole duck, and FIL, while understanding that I didn't want her there, said I didn't have to be so harsh."
"Now, my sister-in-law (SIL) and in-laws are blowing up my phone, and honestly, I don't even know what to do next."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I feel like I'm the a**hole because I shouldn't have said all that to my husband, as I was not upset at him, but at his mother."
"The words just came out and my father-in-law was there and I insulted him and disrespected him, too."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. As a Nigerian woman, I am incredibly proud of you. I've never understood why any mother-in-law would insist on doing omugwo, knowing full well that the entire purpose is to care for the new mother."
"The purpose of omugwo is to allow the new mother to rest, learn how to care for her baby from the older mother, and be pampered. This is her time to recover, not to work, not to be subservient, and certainly not to 'form good wife' just so her mother-in-law will like her."
"How do you even expect a mother-in-law to nurse you, cook for you, or let you sleep in when she likely expects you to cater to her instead? The fact that she's already calling you lazy is proof that she never intended to take care of you in the first place."
"You did exactly what needed to be done, and there is no reason to feel bad about it. You protected your peace and prioritized your recovery, just as you should have. Stand firm in your decision you made the right one!" ~ afroblackgirl
"A lot of them from the husband's side just come to be served, to give judgments, and act like they know it all. Not all, but many. NTA, from another Nigerian woman." ~ Fit-Bumblebee-6420
"NTA. I hope you didn't let her in. That reinforces her behavior if she knows it will work. Also, she sounds f*cking nuts. Should she even be around your baby?" ~ SnooChipmunks770
"Who would have thought that your first parenting session comes so soon! Great practice."
"I'd ask MIL why she thinks she's equipped to care for a baby (and postpartum adult) when she herself hasn't moved on from the temper-tantrum-stage. NTA." ~ Disastrous_Gate_5559
The OP provided an initial update:
"Can't believe I'm here with an immediate update, and things have spiraled. Firstly, I took you guys' advice and explained to my husband that I didn't mean what I said."
"He asked if I truly think he's lazy and I told him, no, that over the years I've seen how MIL treated BIL's wife and how FIL is. That she believes men shouldn't be involved in childcare and whilst pregnant, I always thought that's how he'd be if she came to stay with us."
"In the last 3 days we've been home, I've been a little paranoid, but I do believe he is a wonderful husband and would be a great father. We made up and we are good."
"My MIL is crazy. I didn't know how crazy. She's refused to leave from in front of my house and it's raining as she's standing outside. As it has started to rain, she's refusing to go with FIL to a hotel or something."
"I still haven't responded to anyone, but SIL did text if I wouldn't let her mother come, then she would and that in itself is even crazier."
"My MIL is standing in the rain. My husband has since tried to get her to leave the rain and leave with FIL."
"FIL asked if they could come in and now I look like a bad person for not allowing her in. She said she wouldn't leave the rain until we properly welcome her into our house."
Then they provided a second update:
"Thank you guys for all your lovely comments and not so lovely comments.
"Firstly, my husband does have boundaries with his mother, but being Nigerian you have your limits and it's his mother. He tries to be firm, but also not push her away."
"But that aside, she finally left with FIL after he said he was going to leave her there. My husband found them a hotel and went to check on them."
"From what he told me, his mother cursed both him and I and there was a screaming match. FIL says he's disappointed in us, but says for the sake of peace why couldn't we let her stay even if it's for a week."
"My husband told his dad they've both done enough and, as per some suggestions, he threatened they wouldn't see me or the baby ever. That shut her up real quick."
"He had a talk with SIL and said the same thing. Everyone is saying for the sake of peace, but I explained she didn't come here peacefully."
"She created a scene, so what exactly has been peaceful about all of this? Also, her mom didn't go to my SIL's house, so why is she pressed about coming to mine? SIL sighed and hung up."
"In-laws are also saying for peace, because they all know how she is."
"But for now, I'm okay, my child is okay, my mum has been trying to ease the stress. I got a foot rub from my husband and some really nice soup and napped for the first time in a long time."
"When my hubby came back, we had a good time together with the baby. So all is good."
"MIL says she's not speaking to anyone, so I think we are in the clear. I'll update again if anything does happen. Thank you guys."
While the OP may not have the full support of her in-laws, the people who love her have her back.
That's what ultimately matters.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp