Do children owe their parents? Is the privilege of being born an automatic IOU between parent and child?
Is a child ever responsible for a parent's hhappiness?
A daughter-in-law dealing with this conundrum turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her proposed solution by asking a Would I Be The A**hole (WIBTA) question.
Actual-Barracuda-975 asked:
"WIBTA if I told my mother-in-law (MIL) I don’t want her moving to our dream town?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (30, male) and I (30, female) moved to State A a few years ago. Shortly afterward, my in-laws moved there too. Eventually we both got remote jobs, so we started talking about where we actually wanted to build our life."
"For our entire six-year marriage, we’ve dreamed of moving to a little coastal town we’ll call Beach Town. We’ve vacationed there for years, honeymooned there, and both love it. It’s our dream."
"Last year, we told my in-laws we were seriously considering moving there. In that same conversation, my MIL announced that she felt 'God was telling her' they needed to move there too. They had never even visited."
"We tried to roll with it and all went to Beach Town to look at apartments. The trip was bizarre. They followed us everywhere we went instead of making their own plans."
"When I suggested they explore for a few hours while we looked at apartments, my MIL started sobbing and hugged us like we were abandoning her."
"The whole trip felt suffocating. They mostly just followed us around like silent ghosts and didn’t contribute to conversation or even try to have fun. My husband and I left thinking, 'We absolutely do not want to move there with them'."
"So we moved back to our Home State instead. They followed us there too. At least there are 5 of my husband’s siblings nearby, so we figured it’s less pressure on us."
"A few weeks ago, I privately mentioned to my SIL that Beach Town is still on the table for us. We still think about it constantly, but I didn’t tell my in-laws."
"A few days later, my MIL randomly asked us, 'Are you guys thinking about moving to Beach Town when your lease is up?'."
"Then she said, 'We’ve wanted to live there for six years. That’s always been the plan'."
"I was so angry I had to leave the room and threw up in the bathroom."
"To be fair, my SIL didn’t share the info. I think my MIL was eavesdropping from another room. It was my fault for mentioning it in the first place probably."
"For context, my father-in-law (FIL) has cheated on her repeatedly for ~30 years, and sometimes I wonder if she’s vicariously living through us. I obviously can’t know that, but she frequently copies our plans while my FIL seems completely indifferent and just goes along with her."
"We’ve told them that if we eventually move to Beach Town, we don’t want them basing their plans around ours."
"Their response? 'We aren’t following you. We’re following God'."
"And honestly, that makes me even angrier. It feels incredibly insulting to have our six-year dream repeatedly hijacked and then be told it’s just 'God'."
"I know we don’t own Beach Town. I can’t tell them where they can live. I just want some space, I don’t want to feel responsible for uprooting their lives again."
"Can’t a girl have a little whimsy and adventure without her MIL coming along and killing the vibe?"
"WIBTA if I bluntly told her that we really don’t want them moving there with us?"
"I already know she’ll cry."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
"NTA. Seems a little weird to me if I’ll be honest with you. On the other hand the evil in me would tell them that you were actually planning to move somewhere else then move where you originally wanted to without telling them." ~ Mufasa12-13
"Imagine putting on an elaborate ruse. Using an AirBnB rental in some distant town in the opposite direction and everything. Paying a realtor to pretend to be showing the place, for a private sale, with the in-laws in tow."
"Then announcing the closing, the stuff is moved in and now you finally went on that extended dream trip to Europe or wherever while it could still be done."
"Upon 'returning', with in-laws settled in, announce that God told us, at the last moment, to go back to the original plan." ~ Scenarioing
"I was thinking you were going even more elaborate. You let them think you bought and live in the Airbnb."
"When the in-laws want to visit you book yourself the same Airbnb, put up a couple personal photos and welcome them into your home." ~ Artistic-Baseball-81
"Since she believes God is directing her, you should use that tactic and tell her you prayed on it too and God is telling you your MIL should not move to Beach Town. That God told you she needs to find her own path to Him, not follow her son and DIL, and that Beach Town is not his plan for her."
"Remind her she didn’t even like it there. God doesn’t want her to be unhappy. Ask her if God has mentioned other places that he feels would make her closer to God and not her son."
"Ask her why God would want her to ignore her other children and grandchildren to focus on this one child. She has six. Why is she obsessed with your husband? A godly mother should treat all her children equally."
"Sometimes religious people who feel they are following God’s plan need to be given a different interpretation of what they think they hear. If she won’t listen to you or your husband, tell her to really listen to God. It’s your only argument." ~ Malibucat48
"I’ve heard there are demons living beneath town hall in Beach Town. I think God would frown on them moving here." ~ SueShe19
"Your husband has 5 siblings? Why is she fine leaving them (and grandkids)? Your husband is the one who needs to have a convo with her."
"Make sure he really is on the same page as you. Enlist his siblings' help to tell her they'd miss them too much. How hard it was for when they moved to another state. Would none of them help their brother that way?" ~ Jaded_Tourist2057
"I don't want this to come across wrong, as I generally have a soft spot for old people and family is critically important. But I'm already sick of your MIL."
"And I've only known her for 90 seconds.If you guys do move to BeachTown, it had better be a really big house. On stilts. With LOOOOTS of stairs. No elevator." ~ Toby__H
"You say she's latched onto you because you're the only ones that check on her or spend time with her. Time to start withdrawing this type of activity."
"Don't check in as often and don't hang out as often either."
"It's not your job to make them happy or even make her happy. She has to do that herself." ~ Powerful_Put_6977
"She may cry, crying is often a manipulation tactic and wielded like a weapon. See it for what it is and it will make asserting yourself easier." ~ Correct_Cat4414
"So what if she cries? We aren't responsible for other people's emotions and inability to cope. It's okay if she cries and she is an adult who can learn to cope. It's not your job to make her life totally comfortable at your expense." ~ sisterfunkhaus
"You can be kind about it but you and your husband need some clear communication or this is just going to become simmering resentment. Its already gone on for 6 years. That's enough. NTA." ~ Actual-Barracuda-975
"Cry right back at her and see how she reacts. Or just say 'We can see you are having difficultly regulating yourself, we'll end this visit/call now and try again when you have gathered yourself.' then hang up/leave." ~ scunth
"You’re not responsible for her having a life…there are many hobbies she can start, and get friends around her age. Divorce is also an option, though some women like to act like it’s not. Her marriage seems unhappy…."
"But honestly this shouldn’t you be your problem, it’s your husband’s responsibility. It’s up to him to tell his own parents to stop following you guys around."
"I had narcissistic parents, and they used to do the same thing (not saying she’s a narcissist). Whenever my siblings & I moved somewhere together, they would shortly follow along. It’s a form of codependency and enmeshment." ~ Low-Maize2396
"I mean this in the healthiest way possible. It doesn't matter why she cries. It's not your responsibility to discern nor is it your responsibility to cure her loneliness. She is an adult who made the decisions that got her to where she is. If she is lonely, she can find other women to hang with."
"I was lonely, so I joined a library book club and met women that way. Now I go to a women's game night on Fridays and have made friends. I go to another private women's book club as well, and we meet weekly and have so much fun. I also meet women through volunteering. There are a bazillion ways to meet other women."
"My mom is lonely in her marriage, so she goes to church and is in choir and a part of a women's group. They all go to lunch regularly. They support each other and talk on the phone. There are Unitarian Universalist churches if you aren't religious. Lots of atheists go."
"My point is, no matter the reason, it's not your problem to solve. If it's manipulation, you ignore it. If it's loneliness, that's something that's up to her to fix instead of dumping it on you guys. You two need boundaries." ~ sisterfunkhaus
OP needs to decide if they want their marriage to center around herself and her husband or his mother. If she doesn't want her world to revolve around making his mother happy, then some boundaries are going to be needed.
