Getting old and finding care is a scary situation in this world.
So many people end up depending on others.
And the others don’t often want to be dependents.
Taking in an elderly relative can be a full-time job.
A full-time job with no benefits.
Redditor ThrowRA_fe wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITAH for suggesting to my husband that we put his mother in a home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (45 F[emale]) and my husband (56 M[ale]) are going through a rough patch.”
“Recently, his mother’s (78 F) health issues have been getting worse, and the doctor has recommended she receive full-time care.”
“Previously, she lived alone, but nurses would come every other day to check on her.”
“My husband thinks the best course of action is to move her into our home.”
“My issue is that I do not want my mother-in-law living with us.”
“She’s always been very rude to me and my daughter (11 F).”
“She was originally against me marrying my husband because we come from two different faiths (he’s Mormon, I’m raised Lutheran but personally agnostic), and because I’m not as ‘traditional’ as she would like me to be.”
“She is a very traditional woman who believes in rigid gender roles for women.”
“She’s attempted to push this belief on my daughter by making comments about what my daughter wears and does.”
“She has made comments to my daughter like, ‘wear leggings with your dress, or else you make God upset. And when God’s upset, he sends people to bad places.’”
“This has made my daughter feel very ashamed and paranoid.”
“She has also expressed disdain when my daughter said she wanted to become a veterinarian.”
“My mother-in-law said, ‘A proper lady should not work outside the home. Focus on raising a family.’”
“She also hates me because I work, and was very against this.”
“She does not hold the same sentiment towards my son (8 M[ale]).”
“She shows clear favoritism towards my son while consistently criticizing everything my daughter does.”
“While my husband typically defends me in front of his mom, he is adamant that we move her into our house.”
“His reasoning is that she is too sick to take care of herself, and his only other brother is ill fit to take care of her (he’s in rehab).”
“I suggested, ‘Then put her in a retirement home,’ which made him incredibly angry.”
“He says that at the end of the day, this is his mother, and he has a duty towards her.”
‘He promised that if she moves in, he will talk to her about her attitude towards me and our daughter.”
“However, I don’t want to raise my kids anywhere near her.”
“She has been shaming my daughter, and I barely get along with her.”
“Last night, out of anger, my husband said, ‘You can move out of the house, but I’m not moving my mother into a retirement home!’”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITAH for suggesting my [M]other-[I]n-[L]aw be sent to a home?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, tell your husband to move in with his mother, and he can provide her with all the care she needs.”
“You will continue to bring up your two children.”
“Don’t move out.”
“Don’t let that nasty old woman move in.” ~ pixie-ann
“This seems like the most reasonable idea if he wants in-home care.”
“You and the kids stay put while he moves in with his mother and takes care of those logistics.”
“The kids don’t have to be uprooted, and he gets what he wants.”
“Just because he wants in-home care doesn’t mean he gets it with you and the kids around.” ~ MamaCass
“I hope OP sees this.”
“My wife and I cared for her father in his home.”
“Jesus f**king christ, do not do this.”
“The emotional toll, the physical toll, the things her kids will see.”
“In many situations, 30% of caregivers die before the people they care for do.”
“For your own safety and sanity, do not do this.”
“I can’t tell you what other option to pursue, but this is NOT the way.”
“As a caveat: I cared deeply for my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw], he was a good man, with a good heart, a stubborn man, a difficult man, but a good man.”
“I picked him up when he fell and broke his femur.”
“I used to race home every day from work, knowing this was an inevitability.”
“My wife was up at all times of the night administering injections of pain medication for his cancer.”
“I picked him up when he fell again on the same hip.”
“It took two paramedics, a social worker, and two police to finally get him into care with a femur that already looked like shattered glass under X-ray.”
“By the time he was in care, it was too late to do any good.”
“My heart aches writing this.”
“We are still left with a brokenness that may never fully heal.”
“Do not do this to yourself and your family. NTA.” ~ monkeyamongmen
“Yep, agreed.”
“He’ll change his tune if he is the one who actually needs to do the caring.”
“Though that means 100% of childcare and housework will fall on OP’s shoulders, I have a funny feeling this is nowhere near equitable right now anyway.” ~ pixie-ann
“MIL’s attitudes will never change.”
“They are bred in the bone.”
“There are many retirement homes out there, such as assisted-living or foster care, that are very good and take excellent care of their clients.”
“It’s not like throwing her away.”
“She will get better and more consistent care.”
“She will have caretakers who want to be there to take care of her.”
“I would definitely enlist some assistance from a local senior center, social service agency, or, if you’re in the United States, an Area Agency on Aging, which is in every county.” ~ floofienewfie
“This right here.”
“He wants his mother to move into your house because he knows he is not going to lift a finger, and you and the kids will be the ones taking care of her.”
“Tell him to move his @ss in with her so he can provide the care she needs.”
“Otherwise, she needs to live in a home to have the staff provide the care she needs.” ~ squirtwv69
“Great idea.”
“Because guess who’ll end up looking after the old bag?”
“Not gonna be the son.”
“Stand your ground, OP.”
“He moves in with her or she moves into care.” ~ 150steps
“YOU ARE NOT A TRAINED NURSE!”
“If she needs physical care, she needs to go to a care home.”
“I’ve seen too many elderly develop bed sores and other complications because family caregivers aren’t trained.”
“Let the professionals do this. NTA.” ~ Dual45
“NTA. He’s made it very clear he’s choosing his mom over his daughter.”
“First thing in the morning, you go speak to a family lawyer, explain the situation, and do what they recommend.”
“Don’t move out unless the lawyer tells you to.”
“You need to do this now to protect your children, especially your daughter, and you need to do this before he takes on responsibility for his mom, which (depending) can change things like who has to move, how much child support is ordered, etc.” ~ AdGroundbreaking4397
“Putting someone in a home isn’t always cruel; sometimes it’s the best choice, especially when care is needed and family dynamics are harmful.”
“Your daughter deserves to feel safe in her own home. NTA.” ~ leah7163
“I mean, of course, he wants her in his home.”
‘It’s cheaper than assisted care, and he’s got you and your daughter to do all the caretaking!”
“Sure, he MIGHT talk to her, but at the end of the day, it’s her or you, and he’s made his choice loudly. NTA.” ~ JustANoteToSay
“NTA!! THIS IS THE TRUTH!!”
“Also, anywhere you go, take both children, or you will end up with a son you don’t recognize.” ~ Tough-Boysenberry-38
“Honestly… call him on his bluff.”
“I’d legitimately look into separate apartments for you and your daughter.”
“He needs to understand the effects this would have on your daughter and, technically, your son too.”
“He needs to research caregiver burnout; he needs to actually look into how much work this will be.”
“And I think he will need the kick in the pants to look at that stuff.” ~ Devilishtiger1221
“Does your husband understand that his mom cannot be left alone?”
“That means someone stays with her all day, so if you both work, someone quits.”
“Or someone goes to night shift.”
“Is your husband willing to bathe his mother and help her to the toilet, clean up accidents, and be verbally abused while helping?”
“It’s not just days but night care too?”
“Because if this isn’t the level of care she needs now, it will be soon.”
“I took care of my dad in his last few days of life, medication every 2 hours, bathing, and diapers because my mom could not stand to see him in a coma.”
“I decided I could not provide that level of care for my mom when the time comes, and I will not force my children to care for me.”
“Someone needs to help your husband see reality; your MIL is not going to get better.”
“She will require more care than your husband ever imagines and will need to be supervised 24/7.”
“A healthcare worker needs to have a realistic discussion with your husband about the care his mom requires.”
“Then if husband still wants his mom at home, because of verbal abuse, and favoritism (people tend to be less kind as they age, no matter what your husband says to MIL).”
“I would leave and take my children.”
“This is not something you should have to deal with for what could be years. NTA.” ~ Slightlysanemomof5
OP popped back in for a second…
“Since people are asking, we will continue to have nurses check on my mother-in-law.”
“My husband wants her to move in and switch nurse visits from every other day to every day.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
Caring for an elderly parent is not easy.
And caring for one who is mean can be emotionally draining.
You’re sticking up for yourself and your daughter.
Hopefully, the daily nurses will help.
Good Luck.