We've all known someone who only cares that other people exist when they feel like they can get something from them.
This can be an especially common phenomenon when family members think they can get money from someone, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Royal_Ad4392 tried throughout their marriage to connect with their stepdaughter, only for her to reject their attempts every time.
But when she suddenly showed interest in them, thinking they'd contribute to her college tuition, not only was the Original Poster (OP) hurt by this, but they absolutely refused to entertain her entitlement.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not contributing to my stepdaughter's tuition fee?"
The OP never got to be close to their stepdaughter.
"I am forty-eight years old. My husband has a daughter from his first marriage. She is 22."
"She never wanted to have a relationship with me, and I have always been careful with her."
"I never tried to be her mother. I stayed in my lane and kept things respectful."
"Our relationship was always distant but fine."
When their stepdaughter wanted to go to grad school, things changed.
"Coming to the point, she wants to go to grad school."
"My husband saved a specific amount for this purpose. It was meant for a local university."
"She suddenly changed her mind. She applied to an expensive school (which my husband claims that he doesn't know) and got in."
"The tuition there is double what my husband saved. He told her clearly that it is out of his budget."
"She did not seem to care too much about it, and she just expected the money to appear."
"This stressed my husband a lot, so my husband had been discussing the tuition gap."
"I have some personal inheritance money that I keep separate. I have saved this to buy a house together."
The OP refused to be involved in the tuition.
"My husband had asked me if I could cover the difference for his daughter."
"I told him no. I did not feel it was my responsibility, as we had agreed to keep this part separate."
"I could see how he was stressed out about it, so I agreed to think about it."
"I believe he talked to his sister at one point and told her about our conversation."
"Two days later, my sister-in-law told the daughter that I was paying for the school."
"The daughter called me out of nowhere. She was suddenly very warm and thanked me over the phone."
"I was completely confused. I told her straight out that there was a misunderstanding. I told her I am not paying for it."
"The call went cold immediately. The conversation felt like it went from 0 to 100 suddenly."
"She said she always knew I did not care about her future. She said I was hoarding money just to be cruel."
"She went on a rant and mentioned how I am controlling her with the money."
"A few choice words were said, and I called her entitled."
The OP was shocked by how their stepdaughter treated them.
"I feel completely blindsided. She only showed me warmth when she thought she was getting my money. She has ignored me for years before this."
"Now my husband is acting quiet. He says he understands my choice, but his silence feels heavy."
"I can tell he expects me to just cave and pay it to keep the peace."
"My sister-in-law made a mess, and now I look like the villain. I have the funds, but the entitlement makes me sick."
"I refused to back down during the argument and told her she needs to grow up. What should I do, or is there a middle ground in this?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that their stepdaughter was an adult now, not a young child in need of school supplies.
"NTA. She's an adult. She can find a way to pay for her own tuition. Like an adult."
"There are plenty of grants, scholarships, and loans for people who apply for them. Plenty of people don't have mom and dad providing any of their education costs, and they manage."
"She chose not to want a relationship with you. You have no obligation to her. Even if you were her actual blood parent, you are not required to pay for her tuition." - wanderingstorm
"NTA. She is an adult; there are jobs and loans she can do. Equally, she can go to a local university as planned and have her full tuition paid. She’s making an adult decision, and there are adult steps to planning for these decisions."
"OP also said they’re saving it for a house, which is their security. They should not have to sacrifice that."
"This has nothing to do with the stepparent relationship and everything to do with how one adult should not have to sacrifice for another, when the other is making choices as above. She’s not in danger, she’s not homeless, and she’s not in crisis; she just wants a perfect life at the sacrifice of other adults." - Paws_and_cuddles
"If I were the dad, I would've told her that if that's the school she wants, then she needs to pay the extra."
"I have two bachelor's and three master's. Nobody helped me. I'm not 100% debt free yet, but I'm super close, like under 5k close."
"It can be done and without too many restrictions if you do it right and plan ahead. I will admit I had some very low points and even had to apply for food stamps and other government assistance while working to get where I am now, but it can be done without parental help."
"My Dad would've loved to have helped me, but he was living paycheck to paycheck, and my mother would've loved for me to grovel at her feet for the rest of my life if she loaned me a penny. So I did it on my own." - SeaGoatGamerGirl
"This always annoys me. People will say here, 'don’t bite the hand that feeds you,' as a moral instruction and equivalently judge people as a**holes for not treating people who give you money well, but you know, they also say this in the flip."
"I would be warm and thankful if someone I had a strained relationship with offered me thousands of dollars towards a dream, and I’d be cold and distant if in that conversation they retracted it, even if it only looks like that because someone else lied. Neither are fake or put on; my perception of this person would be changing in real time."
"This sister and the father are the a**holes. There’s not enough information to say for anyone else." - avcloudy
Others pointed out that the OP's stepdaughter set this up with how she treated their relationship.
"She showed her true colors in the way she treated OP warmly when she thought she was getting something, then became a raging inferno when denied."
"OP, there's no middle ground. If you give in after all that fakeness and disrespect, you're just validating her terrible behavior." - IceSeeker
"Dunno, it seems kinda fake to suddenly be somebody's best buddy when they're doing you a favor, especially if you've iced them out for years." - MystifiedByPeople
"She's 22, not 18. If she's warmed to you and you had a good relationship, the answer would be different."
"She proved by her behavior that you have to bribe her in order for her to respond positively to you."
"She doesn't deserve the money. You don't give an AH money as a reward for her behavior."
"And SiL needs to be on an information diet. I don't know how much to trust her anymore."
"NTA." - CatPerson88
"Inheritances are non-marital assets. Marital homes are marital assets. Marital assets are equally owned regardless of who pays for them and will be divided in the event of a divorce, or a partner can walk away with their half of it to their children, leaving a surviving spouse in poverty. Non-marital assets are the untouchable property of the person whose name is on the title or account."
"I would reconsider buying a marital home with your non-marital asset money, given how your husband is more financially committed to his adult daughter, who doesn’t want a relationship with you, and how financially entitled his daughter (and the rest of his family) is proving to be." - Professional_Ruin953
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"I posted here because I felt lost. My gut told me to stand firm, but seeing my husband stressed made me feel bad."
"His daughter is a good student, and having the means to help made me second-guess everything. I posted since she was supposed to visit in person after the phone call, and I needed help handling the meeting."
"The response was overwhelming. It stressed me out more when strangers questioned my marriage and claimed my husband was using me. I logged out in a panic. I gotta thank Reddit for letting me read comments anonymously, haha."
The OP's husband, fortunately, began to change his tune.
"My husband noticed how I was looking at my phone continuously, so I just handed him the phone."
"He took a long time to read through it all. I watched his face change. He looked up at me and apologized sincerely."
"I know many people in the comments were judging him harshly, but they do not know the ins and outs of our daily life. He has mostly been a supportive and loving partner to me. He was wrong for dragging me into this mess and expecting me to pay, but human beings are complicated."
"Life is rarely black and white. We almost always operate in the grey areas. None of us are perfect, but we try our best to make our relationships perfect, which is why I was looking for a middle ground."
"We had a long talk. No other daughter in his family has gone to grad school, and his ex can't afford. He wanted more for her, but she applied abroad without asking."
"He felt trapped between his promise and his budget, which is why he mentioned that he leaned on me. We discussed my inheritance, as well."
"Our current apartment is in his name, but I paid for renovations. We agreed our next house will be in my name, and he will pay for renovations. I even made him agree to help build the garden I always wanted, haha."
The OP and their husband began to set the record straight with their sister-in-law and stepdaughter.
"Before she arrived, I called my sister-in-law. My husband had only told her he had asked me for help. She claimed that when the daughter ranted, she just mentioned he was talking to me."
"She got defensive when I said it was not her place to share our private business. She swore she never said I agreed to pay. She loves drama, so I am not sure, but I dropped it for now."
"When the daughter arrived, she acted completely normal. My husband stopped her immediately. He made it clear his savings were all she was getting."
"He suggested she take loans against family insurance policies in her name, or even work to cover costs."
"She looked at him like he had three heads at the thought of working."
"Then she lost control, screaming and calling us names. She said she was disappointed in him and claimed I corrupted him. It got toxic, so I asked her to leave."
"My husband was too stunned to speak. He is still visibly shaken this morning."
"I will be spending time with family, thank you! Thank you to everyone who commented and defended me. I never expected this attention. It made me emotional. I do not have a large family, so your kindness means everything."
Fellow Redditors pointed out that actions have consequences, and the stepdaughter was showing her true colors in the face of her consequences.
"I'm sorry, THAT is what entitlement looks like. It doesn't feel like it right now, but she is learning a valuable lesson that will do well for her in the future."
"You do not spend someone else's hard-earned money that you did not work for. You can ask, but no one is obligated to support your adult dreams. You get out there and WORK for them if you want them." - Technical-Habit-5114
"The h**lfire that would reign down on my adult child if they ever did something like that. You have zero student loan debt and laughed at working, no, not gonna happen. I would take that graduate degree money and put it right into my retirement account and go on a long vacation." - Reallynoreallyno
"About the husband, he has to decide if her behavior warrants breaking his promise. If I were the father, I would give the school solely the tuition amount promised her and wipe my hands of it. If she changes her attitude, consider helping her get a job."
"But I have to wonder, how much of Dad's parenting led to her being so spoiled? He needs to enforce strict boundaries now." - Jesiplayssims
"I can't imagine ever acting that way towards my parents. They paid for my sister and my undergraduate studies, but made it clear we got four years, and that was it. Both of us did grad school, and while they helped us navigate the loans process, the expectation was still that we would be paying for it on our own." - theagonyaunt
"It's the total lack of shame that gets me, just assuming someone else will foot the bill for your life choices is mental, to be honest." - HelpfulHelicopter671
As nice as it might be to help people when they have a dream, and to help a young adult not create debt they'll have to repay for years to come, there are limits.
Maybe the stepdaughter might learn that in grad school.
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