College is a big deal, and the finances required are often just as challenging as the coursework itself.
One young woman was left a trust by her late father due to tragic circumstances, and now her step-family wants her to spread the wealth.
Her mother, Redditor AITACollegeFundMom joined subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) to get insight into the situation.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not splitting my daughter's college fund?"
The original poster (OP) went on to tell the story.
"When my [42-year-old Female] daughter [17-year-old Female] was 7, we lost her father to an avoidable accident."
"Due to that and the subsequent settlement, my daughter was able to have a trust fund of sorts that provided for college, grad school if she wanted, and even some left over for whatever life might bring."
"It is money that - managed wisely - would enable her to have a head start in life."
"She knows about this and has never taken for granted, given where the money came from. After all, we'd both rather have her father around than the money."
She got right to the issue at hand.
"That said, life moves on, and I remarried 6 years after my former husband's passing to a lovely man who has two children of his own [17-year-old Female, 13-year-old Male]."
"All of the children live with us primarily with his children seeing their mother on vacations as she lives across the country."
"This year, both our girls are graduating and should be headed to college. My daughter was admitted [Early Decision] to her dream school last year and is ecstatic about it."
"Her father is an alumnus, and she has this old sweatshirt of his that she kept to remind her of him."
"She cried so much when she got in, and both her stepfather and I were proud of her because she worked hard to get in."
"My stepdaughter will also be attending a wonderful school that is one the top-ranked schools for her interests."
"The problem now arises with the money to pay for SD's [stepdaughter's] school."
"Because her parents cannot afford to pay the tuition in its entirety, SD will have to take some loans."
"All told, she will graduate with about $40K in loans which I think is still quite modest for the school she's attending and her earning prospects post-graduation."
"But my daughter will graduate debt free, and for my husband, this is suddenly a problem."
"He wants us to split up my daughter's fund between all three kids because then they could all (probably) have college fully paid for."
"My daughter won't have much left over and will definitely need to borrow for grad school - which she has expressed interest in attending - but, according to my husband, that's ok because everyone will start off on an equal footing post-college."
"I think this is unfair to my daughter because 1) her father had to die for this money and 2) this is like her inheritance from him."
"My husband thinks that they are all siblings, and she should be happy to share the money with them if it means giving her siblings a head start in life."
"I absolutely do not want to put her in the position of being guilted into saying yes if she doesn't want to."
"I have expressed all of this to my husband, and he thinks that I'm being selfish, that I'm teaching my daughter to be selfish, and I obviously don't consider my [Step Kids] the same as my daughter."
"AITA for wanting to protect my daughter's trust for her as it was intended?"
The OP added some clarification.
"[edited to add]: Since I've seen this a few times already, both kids do have college funds but somewhat smaller because my husband and his ex got their finances together later in life."
"So there is some money, but with the caliber/[cost of attendance] of the school that SD will be attending, she will still need some loans to cover costs."
"I haven't brought up going to a cheaper school because that will be a fresh set of problems given where my daughter will be matriculating."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors concluded she was not the a**hole.
"NTA"
"That settlement was for your deceased husband's children, not your future children, and certainly not someone else's." - StAlvis
"I agree NTA. The money is for your deceased husband's children, not your current husband's children."
"Keep your stance. This is your daughter's money from HER father. The other children have money from THEIR father."
"To me, your current husband is the AH for even suggesting it." - Ok-Dirt-6166
"The gall of him. OP's daughter lost her father."
"There can never be anything fair between her and her step-siblings. They have their dad."
"Husband needs to back the hell off. That money is compensation for a terrible loss that only OP and her daughter suffered. How dare Husband now make it about him and his kids?!?"
"[In my opinion], you need to talk to your daughter directly about this and tell her that it is her money and she should not feel guilty for having it, and she should not give it away."
"NTA (unless you let him bully you or your daughter into this)" - Aylauria
"It's not rocket science. Your daughter's father is dead."
"That's her inheritance. Only hers."
"Is your husband's ex giving money to your daughter? I don't think so."
"Nta, and if your husband insists, then divorce already." - Cross_examination
"NTA"
"OP, this is literally blood money. It is money that you came into from your deceased husband's passing. No one has any claim to this except you and your biological children."
"I hope your new partner and bonus children understand that this money they are arguing over came at a significant emotional cost that your biological children bore the brunt of."
"This is your deceased husband's final act of providing for his children, don't take this away from him." - ashkars
"NTA"
"No Way! He needs to provide for his kids."
"You have (tragically) provided for your kid. This is her money."
"Why hasn't he been saving for his kids' education all along? He can cosign on his kid's loans and pay them off."
"These are his kids, and he and his ex-wife need to provide their educational expenses!" - OverRice2524
"NTA"
"This is money from her dead father. This isn't money you've earned since becoming a stepmother."
"Your husband is being selfish here, the irony! He wants money that isn't his and is mad you won't capitulate."
"You need to set a boundary around them asking your daughter. 'If you go around my back and ask my daughter to split it, we will be getting a divorce.'"
"Boundaries require consequences that can be enforced." - phenomstar
"'I think this is unfair to my daughter because 1) her father had to die for this money'"
"^^This was all I was going to say, and all that needs to be said. ^^"
"NTA. It's 100% your daughter's money and 100%, not anyone else's."
"And shame on your husband for trying to take any of your daughter's money that came from her father dying."
"His kids are in no way, shape, or form entitled to any of that money."
"Sorry that they will have a bit of debt, but at least they have their (entitled) father."
"I hope you show him all of these NTA replies. No one is on his side." - StonewallBrigade21
"Tell your current husband that he can die and give that insurance money to his kids. There, now, that would be fair."
"Stare him in the eye when you tell him that, and talk to a lawyer."
"What does your will look like, OP? Are you squared away?"
"What happens to your daughter's inheritance if something happens to you? NTA" - YouthNAsia63
"NTA. Have your husband read the comments, so he can realize how much of an idiot he actually is." - AscorbicDH
"NTA"
"They didn't contribute to the fund and have no rights to it."
"It's appalling that they would pressure you or your daughter in any way about this. This is greedy and predatory behavior by your husband." - Used_Mark_7911
"OMG. Your husband is a greedy, selfish monster."
"You are NTA. Your daughter deserves every cent of that money."
"Her father DIED! You need to hold your ground here."
"'Sharing' should never even be presented as an option to your daughter. She shouldn't ever be put in that position." - AshesB77
"NTA, what your husband is asking you to do is illegal."
"The money was left in trust for your daughter, not to you to distribute as you see fit. It simply is not your money."
"Your stepchildren have two parents. They could have saved for college from the day they were born."
"Your stepchildren went on vacations without your daughter and had life experiences your daughter did not."
"Their lives are richer from these experiences and the love of two parents."
"If your husband got a call tonight telling him his ex died, would he think your daughter should get 1/3 of his children's inheritance? Of course not!" - winesis
Hopefully, this tragedy does not beget another.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.