Everyone has a breaking point.
Push and push and push a person; eventually, they will push back.
And the result can have lasting consequences.
Case in point...
Redditor EnvironmentalPea5652 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to pay for my step-daughter's college?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (48 M[ale]) step-daughter Hannah (18 F[emale]) is going to attend college."
"I have known her for around 4 years since I married her mother."
"Though the issue is that we've never gotten along well."
"I have tried, but she always says that she doesn't like me and wants her 'real' Dad."
"When I try to tell her stuff or scold her for behaving out of order, she'd say 'You are not my father, you're just some stranger.'"
"My wife Emily asked her to behave properly as well, but she doesn't care to listen, and in the end, she stopped telling her as well."
"I had to pick Hannah up at school once, and when a couple of people who did not know I was her step-dad asked her who I was, she said, 'Oh, he's a servant, actually' in front of my face."
"I was extremely mad at that, and it even resulted in a huge argument, although she played it off as a 'joke.'"
"But this was the last straw, and that happened a good few months back."
"After that, I have always treated her as if she's invisible and barely had any interactions with her unless absolutely necessary."
"Well, she talked to me presently and said she's got to apply to college and wants me to pay her fees now."
"I refused and asked her to ask her 'real Dad' (who refused to pay for it himself)."
"She began to protest and said I am affecting her education and that I cannot do that."
"But I did not relent and said she's not my business now."
"My wife says refusing to pay is wrong and that I overreacted even though she's not been nice to me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Tell her you can't afford it on your servant's wages."
"Seriously, her two birth parents have had 18 years to save up for her college education."
"You have had four years of putting up with her rudeness, with no backup or support from your wife, her mother, and she has the temerity to speak to you now that she wants your money."
"Now she can have four years of missing out on her dream college and think over how treating someone as less than human isn't a good life strategy." ~ TemptingPenguin369
"I feel the 'don't bite the hand that feeds you' is kind of fitting in this case."
"It's plain stupidity to be rude for 4 years and then suddenly expect someone will happily throw money at you." ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
"So very true. I've been a full-time single parent to my kids since they were 2.5 years old."
"They're almost 18 now."
"We're very close, and there has always been a lot of good-natured teasing and giving each other ridiculous nicknames."
"We know what lines not to cross and what constitutes sensitive subjects, though, so as to never actually hurt the other person."
"It's just a fun, unique way we show that we care."
"There is a huge difference between affectionate teasing and outright malice, though."
"This kid sounds awful, and OP owes her nothing considering the abuse he's tolerated from her. NTA." ~ coffeethulhu42
"That's because this sub is full of actual kids."
"Who has no idea what it's like to work and have to pay for everything?"
"Or how hard it is to raise kids."
"And have absolutely no idea what it's like to work hard and have to support someone who treats you like s**t."
"Literally giving away hours of your life to pay for someone who thinks so little of you that her friends don't even know you exist."
"And then to turn around and expect that same person to spend his entire salary for 1-4 years (don't know how much he makes) so that she can go to school for free."
"And for her to feel entitled to OP's money after the way she's treated him."
"Knowing that neither of her actual parents will help is astounding."
"Like she could have done absolutely nothing and probably would have gone to college still."
"Instead she took every opportunity to remind him how little he means to her, how little she thinks of him, and how he isn't her parent and is little more than a stranger."
"Then to ask for college tuition?"
"And act like OP is the bad guy because she is going to suffer a negative consequence for the first time?"
"Honestly, there should really be a somewhat enforced age restriction for a lot of subs." ~ Sparky_Zell
"Yes, teenagers could be little sh*ts, but the way they grow up is called the consequences of their actions."
"Granted, it is a BIG consequence (financially speaking)."
"I appreciate your gracious and thoughtful approach."
"I just worry he'll get a fake apology and crocodile tears."
"Based on the portrait painted, she sounds like an entitled bully and a brat."
"Anyone who has the brazen ba**s to call step-dad a 'servant' in front of her friends is an enabled ahole (keyword: enabled. No one bothered to correct her behavior for four years), and I personally do not negotiate with a**holes."
"She needs a whole personality change."
"It can happen, miracles do happen, but she is 18 and allowed to grow up like this... she needs more than a talk."
"She needs therapy."
"She likely will play 'woe is me' and make a campaign of demolishing StepDad's reputation of "evil stepdad", so watch out for that." ~ SunnyRyter
"Exactly this, those are a mom and dad's responsibility."
"Not a Stepdad that is disliked and disrespected."
"If mom and dad can't afford the fees, then daughter needs to start looking at alternative financing, not run to the bank of step-dad (who probably can't afford them on a servant's salary if his 'employers' can't."
"NTA - OP has a wife problem in that she has enabled her daughter for 4 years to abuse and belittle her husband, and is now trying to push him to finance her daughter's educational needs."
"He at the very least needs to seek out couple's counseling, as this will continue and be a thorn in his life, otherwise." ~ False-Importance-741
"That and combined with the play stupid games win stupid prizes by playing OP off as a servant."
"The whole "' can't afford it on my servant's wages' above is the perfect stupid prize."
"She wins at life."
"Not the game she wanted, though. NTA." ~ tango421
"NTA, but I hate reading these."
"For the love of God people, do not marry people when the kids don't like you or vice versa."
"It's going to be an absolute misery for all involved until it ends." ~ No_Cress8843
"Also, don't marry people if you haven't met their kids."
"He makes it seem like their first meeting was once he married her mom which raises a whole lot of other questions/issues."
"The servant comment was uncalled for but I can't really fault her for viewing him as a stranger because according to him, that is what he was... a random guy her mom brought home or was brought to the home of as her mom's husband."
"He doesn't have to contribute to her fees or tuition but unless his wife and his finances are completely separate he is going to be impacted regardless except with considerably more resentment coming from his wife." ~ papadoc19
"NTA - She's going to refuse to accept you as her parent and degrade and disrespect you 24/7, including in front of other people."
"Yet, she wants one of the biggest benefits of you technically being her parent."
"She's clearly being selfish and manipulative, and I'm not surprised her mother is defending her given how her daughter acts."
"In the end, it's your money, and you're entitled to spend it however you please."
"And I would also beg of you not to pay jack s**t regarding her college."
"Like I said, she refuses to treat you like her parent but at the same time expects all the benefits of you being her parent. F**k that." ~ SpicyQuesadilla123
"It looks like Hannah finally learned a good adult lesson about consequences."
"At 18, she is not owed money by anyone and if you ruin a relationship then you risk not being helped in times of need."
"It must have felt good to tell that brat she should fix her own education."
"Where was your wife in the last 4 years and why is she not backing you up here?"
"Why did she not save money for her daughter's future?"
"She has known for the last 18 years this was likely coming."
"NTA and your wife and stepdaughter are AHs." ~ simulacrum79
"NTA: She has 2 parents who should already have discussed this and had a plan set for this exact moment."
"And even if you are the sole or main breadwinner, this is a conversation your wife should have had with you before her daughter asked you." ~ thea**holethrowawa
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."
"Why on earth should OP pay for her college when she can't even treat him with minimal respect?!!! NTA." ~ Gypsyheartwanderer
Well, OP, Reddit is with you here.
You're entitled to your feelings.
She has spent years mistreating you.
Why would you want to help her?
It sounds like it may be time for a more serious sit-down with your wife.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp