Sometimes, the cruelest people are the ones who are meant to be closest to a person.
Not all DNA brings joy.
Oftentimes, many, many humans have learned that family... needs boundaries.
But those boundaries can create external drama within the family.
Family is not always easy.
Redditor No_Pipe1952 found herself in a dilemma regarding her relationship with her sister, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole"(AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for refusing to keep inviting my sister after what she did at my birthday?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (24 F[emale]) had my birthday a couple weeks ago, and I invited my parents, my sister (27 F), some friends, and my B[oy]F[riend] over."
"Nothing huge, just dinner and cake at my apartment."
"My sister has always been the type that kinda has to be the center of attention, but usually I just ignore it because everyone says, 'that's just how she is.'”
"Well, halfway through dinner, she starts making jokes about how my apartment looks like an IKEA display because I like everything
matching."
"Everyone laughed a little, and I laughed too because, whatever."
"But then she kept going and started making comments about my job, saying, 'At least someone has to make enough money to buy fake plants,' and then she brought up something really embarrassing from high school that I haven't thought about in years."
"At that point, I was honestly just annoyed because it stopped feeling like jokes and more like she was trying to get everyone laughing at me."
"My boyfriend even changed the subject a couple of times, but she kept bringing it back."
"After everyone left, she texted me saying I was 'acting weird' all night, and I told her yeah because she wouldn't stop making fun of me."
"She said I was being dramatic and that nobody else had a problem with it."
"Fast forward to now, and my mom asked if my sister is coming to a BBQ I'm hosting next month, and I said no."
"I dont really want her there if she’s just gonna spend the whole time taking shots at me."
"Now my mom is upset, saying I'm creating family drama over 'a few jokes' and my sister says I'm punishing her over nothing."
"Part of me feels like maybe I should just let it go because it was only one night, but also i dont really want to spend another event waiting for the next comment."
The OP was left to wonder:
""AITAH for refusing to keep inviting my sister after what she did at my birthday?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Mom doesn't have to come either." ~ RonaldMcFirbank
"Tell sister it's just a barbecue and she's being too sensitive." ~ mellow-drama
"Yeah, exactly, the mom is already siding with the sister, and if she can't respect OP's boundary, she doesn't need to be there either, she's enabling the sister's behavior by calling it 'just jokes,' and that's not helping anyone." ~ mistyhollow72
"NTA- You know the mother will bring the sister anyway."
"Invitations never stand in the way of a mother enabling her beloved Golden Child at the expense of OP."
"I can guess where sister learned her bullying from."
I would have told her to leave after the first nasty remark, but I've always had a low tolerance for bullying by family." ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
"One thing I am truly sick and tired of is a family who enable an entitled a**hole."
"Your sister knows full well she is hurting you and doesn’t care."
"Your sister and now your mom are creating the family drama; it’s really easy to uninvite both and anyone else who wants to roll with the narcissists."
"Your BF sounds like a great guy, belong to deflect and change the subject."
"Have a great BBQ and knit have those around you that bring joy and positive energy." ~ RaptorOO7
"NTA. They wouldn't be saying they were 'a couple of jokes' if they'd been directed at them."
"They're only telling you to let it go because you were the victim and they weren't."
"You don't have to invite anybody that you don't want to." ~ Condensed_Sarcasm
"NTA. Your sister was making fun of you on your birthday. When another adult tried to (probably very obviously) change the subject, she steered it right back."
"When you brought it up so you could do the right (and healthy) thing and talk it out, she gaslighted you." ~ kmardil
"NTA and your sister are insecure and are threatened by your independence."
"Maybe your mom enables her because she knows how weak this girl is."
"Both of them are wrong, and just ask yourself whether you enjoy their company or not."
"If it’s not, sis should stay uninvited." ~ thespicygrits
"NTA, your sister was rude to you in your own home."
"Whether anyone else is bothered by it is irrelevant." ~ Bubbly_Following7930
"NTA. It is YOUR party, and YOU get to decide the guest list."
"Your sister managed to get herself uninvited to any future get-togethers because of HER behavior."
"Set the boundary and keep it."
"If she wants to act like an adult and apologize, MAYBE you can reconsider her invite, but I wouldn't for this upcoming event." ~ AdeptStudent77
"Why do people feel the need to protect others who are rude and nasty?"
"You hosted a nice dinner for your family, and yet, while your sister took cheap shots at you."
"You deserve to be protected, not her."
"Why isn't her phone blowing up demanding she apologize for putting a damper on the whole night. Sheesh."
"You are NTA here, but your mom and sister?"
"Big ones." ~ MouseAmbitious5975
"NTA. Your sister makes 'family drama' by belittling you, and your mother enables her behavior."
"If your sister (and mother) really dont see a problem with their behavior, they really should get some counselling."
"I wouldn't invite her, and I'd pass on attending anything she's at until she at least apologises and commits to changing her ways." ~ lurninandlurkin
"Do not let it go."
"This is how she puts you in your place (beneath her) and gets attention at the same time."
"I endured this for most of my life, and a few jokes can be incredibly hurtful and damaging."
"Let your sister know that she has hurt you and you do not want to see her until she apologizes."
"If she refuses, then she is the one making drama; all you are asking for is respect." ~ Cold_Swordfish7763
"Your sister is a bully."
"Those were not just jokes."
"She was targeting you."
"Every time someone says that is just how she is, they are silently condoning her behavior."
"She is this way because no one ever bothered to check her."
"People can either support you, or they don’t have to come."
"This is the consequence of her behavior, and no one has ever stopped her." ~ BestAd5844
"You are NTA."
"Write this to your mother: I am hosting an event, and I deserve to enjoy it."
"I'm not inviting people who treat me poorly."
"When Sister chose to mock me throughout my own birthday dinner, she created family drama."
"That's OK, but I don't engage in drama, and I make smart choices about who I host at my own home." ~ EmceeSuzy
"NTA. You're not making a big deal out of it; she has no right to attend every event you have."
"If your mom doesn't like it and defends the behavior, she also doesn't have to join." ~ mark_b_real
"Abuse is abuse is abuse."
"Pointed ‘jokes’ that tear down another are not just fun, it is a way for the jokester to make themselves feel better while denigrating another."
"Your mother is minimizing her other child’s behavior."
"She is wrong." ~ wasakootenayperson
"NTA. Invite her to the BBQ."
"And get the guests who know your sister to make bets about how long it will take for your sister to start sh*t-talking about you."
"Extra points if they guess the theme (work, your home, ancient history...)."
"Get a blackboard and write down the bets."
"Then, once your sister follows her nature, bring out the blackboard and give a prize to the winner." ~ Horror-Reveal7618
"NTA. Your sister is just being a bit*h."
"She doesn't care how she makes you feel because nobody has a problem with it."
"Tell your mom if she also doesn't want to come, it's also fine."
"It isn't dramatic to want peace and not be made fun of for everything."
"Feels like she's jealous." ~ No-Abalone4897
"NTA. I had a similar issue with my brother, and I made it clear that you can’t come into my home and disrespect me."
"He wasn’t invited to my house for anything until he apologized."
"I was polite and cordial at any of the family gatherings at other people’s homes, but he did not come back to my house again for 5 years, when he apologized (because my mom wouldn’t stop nagging him)."
"Don’t let people disrespect you in your own home ever." ~ MysteriousHoneydew82
"Wow. NTA, but your sister and mom top the scales."
"Making jokes at someone else’s expense is just wrong, especially when they have been made aware of how you feel about it."
"It is okay to put distance between anyone who can’t respect you, as well as anyone who cannot be supportive." ~ whodoyoulove2020
"NTA. Your Mother is going for a Wooden Spoon award here."
"Why would she even ask you if you were inviting your sister if she wasn't trying to create a situation?"
"I think your sister got her extremely annoying and immature behavior from your mother." ~ Purple_Paper_Bag
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister hurt your feelings, and she has yet to apologize.
These are the consequences of her actions.
Sorry that your Mom is making it difficult.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp