People come in all shapes and sizes.
Mocking someone for their size or shape is increasingly frowned upon by society.
A short woman dealing with her rude sister-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Goodluckbabes asked:
"AITA for calling out my sister-in-law (SIL) in front of everyone when she wouldn't stop making comments about me trying to be a 'sexy baby'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 27, female. I'm a very short woman, 4'9 and under 100lbs."
"I don't want to complain about being small, but there are a lot of people out there (especially other women) who will not take us seriously, are judgmental, make snide comments, assume attraction to us is nefarious, etc... A lot of comments that imply we're not real women etc..."
"I'm used to it and usually let it roll off my back. But there's a new one that's picked up momentum that I guess stems from a TV show where a girl is putting on a childish act, and she says, 'I'm a very sexy baby' in a cutesy voice, and there's a lot more to it that you can just Google."
"My SIL Cassie has picked this up and has been using this 'against me'. I can't wear a cute outfit without her coming down on me and chiding me for 'buying into the whole sexy baby thing' when I am JUST WEARING AN OUTFIT."
"I'm just trying to be ME. God forbid I wear a shorter skirt or bows or anything I think is cute."
"It's like I'm not allowed to wear cute or sexy things because I'm petite, so I'm automatically seen as trying to be a 'sexy baby' when I'm not. I've asked Cassie to stop or drop it, and she maintains that I'm the one opening myself up to judgment and that I should dress my age."
"This came to a head last weekend when we were in my auntie's backyard at the pool. I took off my wrap so I could hang with my feet in the pool with my cousins and Cassie immediately said 'You're a very sexy baby' at me and twirled imaginary pigtails."
"I raised my voice and said, 'That's a really weird thing to keep saying. What is your problem with me? Why do you keep bringing up that I'm small?'."
"She started to turn red and she yelled back again that I'm the one that's choosing to walk around looking like the 'sexy baby'."
"I said that I'm literally just wearing a bathing suit (a one-piece halter) and asked her what I should be wearing instead if that's such a problem."
"She yelled back that I should 'dress like a grown adult' and to stop trying to cause a scene in front of everyone. I said whatever and just tried to ignore her."
"Later on, we ended up inside at the same time, and she came down on me for calling her out in front of everyone. I told her to stop trying to make me feel bad for being small that I didn't choose this body."
"She rolled her eyes and told me to grow the f*ck up, and that 'trying to start sh*t' with her is even more proof."
"I am at a loss here and I'm starting to just not want to be around my family because of her. It's not enough that I get this sh*t from women at work, at the gym, basically anywhere; now it's in my family."
"AITA for calling her out?"
"Or even for just… I don't know, existing in my own body?"
"It's my brother's wife, he doesn't care. We've never been close/gotten along. He'll always take her side."
"Other people in my family are very hands-off/handle your business yourself. Just the way they are."
"Also Cassie isn't fat, she's just average height."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I confronted my SIL for her comments about me, but it was in front of everyone in the family, and I know it embarrassed her. It made me the a**hole for making it public instead of approaching her in private."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"WTF‽‽ What part of a one-piece halter is not age-appropriate for a 27-year-old?"
"Start sh*t? After all that sh*t spewing from her mouth? You're just wiping it off or spraying it with a bidet."
"NTA. Tell her don't start sh*t if you don't want to be called out." ~ tango421
"NTA. Your SIL does seem obsessed with calling you out for, checking notes.... wearing clothes. This is not 'sexy' clothing. It's just small, because, well, you're petite."
"Enlist your brother to talk to her about this. Let her know that it needs to stop NOW."
"It's sizeist. You've asked her to stop, and she hasn't. It's time to establish firm boundaries and enforce them." ~ NotCreativeAtAll16
"The SIL is being creepy. She's mad that the OP finally called her on it, and is continuing to deflect and blame the OP rather than be quiet."
"Others in the family need to stick up for the OP. The SIL has issues and they're not the OP's problem. NTA." ~ FancyPantsDancer
"I'm friends with someone OP's size. We've gotten weird looks in public for letting the 'child' with us drink. She absolutely gets weird looks for sexy bikinis, etc..."
"They just see this very tiny person and assume she's like... 12 or younger. We get looks. We ignore them."
"However, once you talk to her, she's clearly an educated adult, even if she has a very high voice that sounds... young. She doesn't talk like a child, though, and it's very easy to see her as an adult after a minute because she acts like an adult."
"Nothing she wears that is 'sexy' is inappropriate because she's a grown f*cking woman in a grown woman's body and it just happens to be a slim, short, petite one. I have a slim, petite frame, too. I just happen to be five and half feet tall and therefore looked at as a 'real' adult by strangers."
"However, nobody who knows that friend thinks it's weird she does adult things. Because she's an adult."
"I'd (verbally) fight with someone saying that sh*t around her. Like, she's an adult. She does adult things. Cry more."
"I don't think anything she does is childlike, and only when out in public does it come up because other people stare."
"SIL has issues and is trying to stomp OP's self-esteem. The rest of the people around her need to shut that down. It's just rude. NTA." ~ DefinitelyNotAliens
"I'm not as small as you but I'm pretty tiny compared to the general population at five foot one and 117 lbs. I'm almost 40 thank you and a grown a** woman, and getting passive aggressive comments about my size is so f*cking exhausting."
"NTA. With your sh*tty SIL, I'd either Gray Rock her or put on your best Regina George impression and respond with 'Why are you so obsessed with me‽‽'. Maybe a combination of the two." ~ Jacqued_and_Tan
"NTA. Detach emotionally because Cassie resents you for looking the way you do, because there's something she wants about it. The same is true for other women."
"They're being petty and small emotionally, when they want to be petty and small physically. It's political, it's gross, and you didn't get to choose, just like them."
"Small = feminine is something they resent, and they see it in you, which isn't your problem."
"Keep cool, talk to the person who's looping Cassie into your life, and if that doesn't work and she keeps doing it, refocus."
"Forget the insult that is baby. Focus on the fact that your sister-in-law calls you sexy against your wishes. Make it weird for her."
Cassie 'ooh, look who's being all sexy baby today'."
"You, 'Cassie, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, don't call me sexy. Don't call me baby. I don't want to have sex with you or date you. I WON'T EVER want to have sex with you or date you. It's so uncomfortable when you call me sexy'."
"She's either going to short circuit or say something like 'no! I'm trying to be mean to you!' You 'by calling me sexy? Wtf are you talking about Cassie?'."
"Act like you've never heard the term sexy baby. Make her explain what the f*ck her problem is, and don't play for her, play for the crowd."
"She's trying to shame you. Make it bite her in the face." ~ imyourkidnotyourmom
"NTA, for wearing cute clothes OR for being you! Just because you're petite doesn't give her the right or anybody the right to call you 'sexy baby' or tell you 'dress your age' when clearly you are."
"She's probably jealous or just thinks she's funny. Either way, keep confronting her and calling her out until she learns her lesson to respect other women who are just trying to live."
"You should call her out every time. I stand by that since brother/family will do nothing. Clearly, she has a problem, and you have to solve it." ~ Familiar_Room_9318
The OP shouldn't have to handle such abuse and should be allowed to wear whatever she likes.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp