Blending families isn't always easy.
A lot of children are being brought into new families and new dynamics.
And often, a lot of ground rules aren't solidified.
This can cause a lot of turmoil.
Redditor Unique_Albatross344 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not paying for my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]'s children's education, like I do for my nieces?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister remarried after she finally left her husband, who abused and cheated on her."
"She has twins with him, and I want to make sure they have the best possible start at life."
"I pay for them to go to private school and for their extracurricular activities."
"One is in ballet, and the other is taking piano lessons."
"They are 8."
"Now my sister's husband has two children of his own from a previous marriage, which ended for similar reasons."
"Though it seems the fact that I am doing what I am has caused some tension."
"They cannot afford to send his kids to private school or extracurricular activities."
"It seems it has also made blending the families more complicated due to the divide."
"Even if I wanted to, I could not afford to cover tuition for two additional children."
"I also have a college fund for my nieces, and he does not have one for his children."
"Not to be that person, but I know my sister was not ready to have a child, let alone two at once."
"That is a different topic, and it does seem the same could be said for my BIL."
"My sister feels that if I cannot help them with his children, then they can no longer accept my assistance because it is causing far too many problems."
"It seems it has created a have-and-have-not situation, especially when it comes to events."
"My BIL's children don't want to go, which appears to have become a sore spot."
"Since my BIL either leaves his kids with someone else to support my nieces, but alienating his own children, or forces them to come, but they let my nieces know they don't want to be present, or he stays with his children and my nieces feel alienated by him."
"They do like him, and want to be one big happy family; they want to share what they love with their new siblings."
"The issue is my BIL's boys don't, and they are young, so I get that this is difficult to understand for them."
"The issue is that if they don't accept my assistance, my nieces will not be able to continue to go to the school with all their friends, and will not be able to continue doing what they enjoy."
"Which will further divide the family cause I know my nieces will not understand why they cannot do what they have always done."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Kinda torn on this one because it's a bit hard to have a healthy blended family when all the children are being treated differently, but also you don't have to pay for any of them at the same time."
"Personally, I'd stop because that's gonna cause resentment with the other kids." ~ Simple_Item5901
"At this point, it's resentment either way."
"The girls will resent the fact that they were taken out of their school just to appease their step-siblings."
"This should have been dealt with before the families were blended."
"Because it wasn't, I'd say this marriage is unlikely to last because both are coming from bad relationships and rushed into this one without having important discussions about how to blend the families successfully."
"So, I'm almost certain the girls will have been pulled out for nothing." ~ 6strings10holes
"This. Strongly believe this."
"I am a part of a healthy blended family, and we still struggle."
"They definitely do not have good communication if they are still struggling with this in marriage."
"They will not last. Don’t pull them out for nothing!" ~ veebeex08
"Ensure the money is paid to their university/college. I’m not saying they would, but there are a lot of stories where the parents or kids blow the money on something else rather than education."
"If you don’t want to monitor it yourself, maybe look into a fund that would pay directly for tuition and supplies every semester."
"OP, you’re not removing them from private school; that is their parents."
"Make sure they understand this, as you could be thrown under the bus."
"Could you pay for one extra-curricular activity for each child and maybe a tutor if they fall behind?"
"Maybe there’s a club or something the twins could attend where they still see their old friends."
"Good luck, OP. NTA" ~ Situation-Mediocre
"I don't think AITA is applicable here at all."
"You simply cannot afford what is being asked of you."
"While I personally don't agree with the decision, it seems your sister will stop taking the help from you to equalize things among the children."
"My genuine suggestion would be to let that happen if you have voiced your concerns to your sister and she hasn't responded well." ~ Jainuinelydone
"NTA, I would leave my husband if he complained that my children were getting help."
"It's his problem if he can't provide the same things for his kids; life isn't fair."
"I would put the money into savings for the girls and give it to them for college once they're adults."
"Your sister and her husband can't do anything about it then." ~ at_themuseum
"NTA. In blended families, things are not equal."
"That's just the way of it, and your sister and BIL are going to have to navigate that."
"Your sister will badly damage her relationship with her children if she takes away their school, their friends, and their hobbies because of her new husband and stepchildren."
"It will cause her children to resent her, her husband, and his children."
"They'd be better off getting some family therapy to help work through the complications of a blended family rather than trying to make everything even." ~ Cryptographer_Alone
"NTA. If this is what your sister truly wants, perhaps you could put the funds into a trust that only the children can access when they’re older for college or launching their lives."
"This is complicated, and I can see how it might cause friction."
"It’s disappointing that they don’t see this as an opportunity for your nieces."
"You’re trying to be supportive."
"You may just need to shift how and when that support comes into play."
"They haven’t considered that your nieces may be resentful when these things go away."
"I don’t envy you." ~ Aggravating_Baker557
OP came back to chat...
"I'm about to get off the train, wanted to say I appreciate the advice."
"I had no intention of stopping my college fund for them."
"I will ask if a compromise can be made if I cover everyone's pick of a special interest."
"We shall see, it is a much better suggestion than I proposed to her."
"I was not thinking, I offered to cover summer camps for them since I could swing that if I made some cuts to my spending."
"Having them all participate in something uniquely theirs sounds better."
THEN...
"I spoke with my sister and BIL last night, to be honest, I would have rather just had the conversation with my sister at first, but she insisted he be a part of the conversation."
"As many suspected, the school was mainly a them issue, 'they' claimed the difference in education was creating tension, and did not like how it fostered class/income inequality."
"The school is not easy to get into; it is a K - 12 school with very limited seats for each class."
"They felt this sent the wrong message that they don't believe in teaching their children."
"So they already started the unenrollment process, so private school is out of the question."
"Which I did expected."
"I asked about the ballet and piano lessons, if they would be opposed to keeping them enrolled, if Iwas willing to pay for activities for the boys to do."
"They said they would rather I stop everything altogether."
"Though if I wish to help, they would rather I give them the money to them so they can spend it as they see fit."
"They don't want to confuse the kids."
"They want them to see them as the sole provider to avoid confusion and potential conflicts."
"They gave an example of how they don't want them coming to me for money if they say no, they cannot afford it."
"To be honest, I don't trust my sister with money."
"I love her to pieces, but yeah, her financial literacy is woefully lacking."
"So I told them I would consider it, but they would need to tell me what the boys would enroll in and would need the total dollar amount of their activities, and would only give them the exact amount of all four activities."
"Also said nothing crazy expensive either has to be in the same ballpark as to what the girls get."
"So we will see, but the reason I said 'they' was because my sister did not say a single word. "
"He spoke on her behalf."
"So, best case, they still do activities; worst case, they blame me for why they cannot, and at 18, I tell them the truth with the college fund."
"Thanks again."
This is a tough situation, OP.
You're a good Aunt. They're lucky to have you in their corner.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp