Redditor Refuses To Pay Private School Tuition For New Brother-In-Law's Kids Like They Do Sister's Kids

Blending families isn't always easy.

A lot of children are being brought into new families and new dynamics.

And often, a lot of ground rules aren't solidified.

This can cause a lot of turmoil.

Redditor Unique_Albatross344 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

They asked:

"AITA for not paying for my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]'s children's education, like I do for my nieces?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"My sister remarried after she finally left her husband, who abused and cheated on her."

"She has twins with him, and I want to make sure they have the best possible start at life."

"I pay for them to go to private school and for their extracurricular activities."

"One is in ballet, and the other is taking piano lessons."

"They are 8."

"Now my sister's husband has two children of his own from a previous marriage, which ended for similar reasons."

"Though it seems the fact that I am doing what I am has caused some tension."

"They cannot afford to send his kids to private school or extracurricular activities."

"It seems it has also made blending the families more complicated due to the divide."

"Even if I wanted to, I could not afford to cover tuition for two additional children."

"I also have a college fund for my nieces, and he does not have one for his children."

"Not to be that person, but I know my sister was not ready to have a child, let alone two at once."

"That is a different topic, and it does seem the same could be said for my BIL."

"My sister feels that if I cannot help them with his children, then they can no longer accept my assistance because it is causing far too many problems."

"It seems it has created a have-and-have-not situation, especially when it comes to events."

"My BIL's children don't want to go, which appears to have become a sore spot."

"Since my BIL either leaves his kids with someone else to support my nieces, but alienating his own children, or forces them to come, but they let my nieces know they don't want to be present, or he stays with his children and my nieces feel alienated by him."

"They do like him, and want to be one big happy family; they want to share what they love with their new siblings."

"The issue is my BIL's boys don't, and they are young, so I get that this is difficult to understand for them."

"The issue is that if they don't accept my assistance, my nieces will not be able to continue to go to the school with all their friends, and will not be able to continue doing what they enjoy."

"Which will further divide the family cause I know my nieces will not understand why they cannot do what they have always done."

The OP was left to wonder:

"AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:

• NTA – Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
• INFO - More Information Needed

Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.

"Kinda torn on this one because it's a bit hard to have a healthy blended family when all the children are being treated differently, but also you don't have to pay for any of them at the same time."

"Personally, I'd stop because that's gonna cause resentment with the other kids." ~ Simple_Item5901

"At this point, it's resentment either way."

"The girls will resent the fact that they were taken out of their school just to appease their step-siblings."

"This should have been dealt with before the families were blended."

"Because it wasn't, I'd say this marriage is unlikely to last because both are coming from bad relationships and rushed into this one without having important discussions about how to blend the families successfully."

"So, I'm almost certain the girls will have been pulled out for nothing." ~ 6strings10holes

"This. Strongly believe this."

"I am a part of a healthy blended family, and we still struggle."

"They definitely do not have good communication if they are still struggling with this in marriage."

"They will not last. Don’t pull them out for nothing!" ~ veebeex08

"Ensure the money is paid to their university/college. I’m not saying they would, but there are a lot of stories where the parents or kids blow the money on something else rather than education."

"If you don’t want to monitor it yourself, maybe look into a fund that would pay directly for tuition and supplies every semester."

"OP, you’re not removing them from private school; that is their parents."

"Make sure they understand this, as you could be thrown under the bus."

"Could you pay for one extra-curricular activity for each child and maybe a tutor if they fall behind?"

"Maybe there’s a club or something the twins could attend where they still see their old friends."

"Good luck, OP. NTA" ~ Situation-Mediocre

"I don't think AITA is applicable here at all."

"You simply cannot afford what is being asked of you."

"While I personally don't agree with the decision, it seems your sister will stop taking the help from you to equalize things among the children."

"My genuine suggestion would be to let that happen if you have voiced your concerns to your sister and she hasn't responded well." ~ Jainuinelydone

"NTA, I would leave my husband if he complained that my children were getting help."

"It's his problem if he can't provide the same things for his kids; life isn't fair."

"I would put the money into savings for the girls and give it to them for college once they're adults."

"Your sister and her husband can't do anything about it then." ~ at_themuseum

"NTA. In blended families, things are not equal."

"That's just the way of it, and your sister and BIL are going to have to navigate that."

"Your sister will badly damage her relationship with her children if she takes away their school, their friends, and their hobbies because of her new husband and stepchildren."

"It will cause her children to resent her, her husband, and his children."

"They'd be better off getting some family therapy to help work through the complications of a blended family rather than trying to make everything even." ~ Cryptographer_Alone

"NTA. If this is what your sister truly wants, perhaps you could put the funds into a trust that only the children can access when they’re older for college or launching their lives."

"This is complicated, and I can see how it might cause friction."

"It’s disappointing that they don’t see this as an opportunity for your nieces."

"You’re trying to be supportive."

"You may just need to shift how and when that support comes into play."

"They haven’t considered that your nieces may be resentful when these things go away."

"I don’t envy you." ~ Aggravating_Baker557

OP came back to chat...

"I'm about to get off the train, wanted to say I appreciate the advice."

"I had no intention of stopping my college fund for them."

"I will ask if a compromise can be made if I cover everyone's pick of a special interest."

"We shall see, it is a much better suggestion than I proposed to her."

"I was not thinking, I offered to cover summer camps for them since I could swing that if I made some cuts to my spending."

"Having them all participate in something uniquely theirs sounds better."

THEN...

"I spoke with my sister and BIL last night, to be honest, I would have rather just had the conversation with my sister at first, but she insisted he be a part of the conversation."

"As many suspected, the school was mainly a them issue, 'they' claimed the difference in education was creating tension, and did not like how it fostered class/income inequality."

"The school is not easy to get into; it is a K - 12 school with very limited seats for each class."

"They felt this sent the wrong message that they don't believe in teaching their children."

"So they already started the unenrollment process, so private school is out of the question."

"Which I did expected."

"I asked about the ballet and piano lessons, if they would be opposed to keeping them enrolled, if Iwas willing to pay for activities for the boys to do."

"They said they would rather I stop everything altogether."

"Though if I wish to help, they would rather I give them the money to them so they can spend it as they see fit."

"They don't want to confuse the kids."

"They want them to see them as the sole provider to avoid confusion and potential conflicts."

"They gave an example of how they don't want them coming to me for money if they say no, they cannot afford it."

"To be honest, I don't trust my sister with money."

"I love her to pieces, but yeah, her financial literacy is woefully lacking."

"So I told them I would consider it, but they would need to tell me what the boys would enroll in and would need the total dollar amount of their activities, and would only give them the exact amount of all four activities."

"Also said nothing crazy expensive either has to be in the same ballpark as to what the girls get."

"So we will see, but the reason I said 'they' was because my sister did not say a single word. "

"He spoke on her behalf."

"So, best case, they still do activities; worst case, they blame me for why they cannot, and at 18, I tell them the truth with the college fund."

"Thanks again."

This is a tough situation, OP.

You're a good Aunt. They're lucky to have you in their corner.