Some people are sadly far better at spending money than they are at saving it.
They often do this with the mindset that saving probably doesn't make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.
Only to find themselves out of a job or on hard times, and with no money to fall back on.
The stepson of Redditor pefertig found himself in such a situation, when he could find the means to pay for his college tuition.
His father eventually came to a solution, but one the original poster (OP), flatly refused.
Wondering if they were being unsympathetic to their husband and his son, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not giving my 18 yo stepson my 4 yo daughter's money?"
The OP first offered some insight on their familial situation, as well as their stepson's recent good news, which posed something of a financial problem for the family.
"My husband and I have been together for seven years, married for five."
"He has a son and a daughter from his previous marriage, 18 and 13, and we have a four-year-old daughter together."
"Although we have some shared expenses, for the most part we keep our finances separate."
"Custody is shared 50/50 between my husband and his ex regarding the older kids."
"Long story short, my oldest stepson graduated a couple weeks ago."
"He's only ever wanted to go to one school which happens to be a very specialized and hence very expensive university out of state."
"He applied, was accepted, and got a decent but not phenomenal scholarship from the school itself."
"Meanwhile, my husband has been encouraging him to look into additional scholarships and potentially ROTC or Air National Guard to help with the remainder of expenses."
"My husband's company went under a couple of years ago and he is just beginning to recover financially so paying out out of pocket for his son's tuition is simply not an option."
The OP's stepson also didn't seem to be willing to help when it came to paying for his tuition.
"Unfortunately for Stepson, his focus here lately has been on his new girlfriend and not his academics and scholarships, and unfortunately he's decided his dad is an idiot when it comes to scholarships and military service and that he'll figure it out on his own."
"All fine and good except for the fact that he hasn't figured it out on his own, and sometime here in the next several months the University he wants to attend is asking for roughly $25,000 in tuition money."
"After dodging financial conversations and scholarship conversations with my husband for the past six or seven months, he finally came out and asked his dad how he was going to be paying for the tuition because the school is starting to ask for deposits etc."
"Husband 'broke it' to him that there is no college fund set aside."
"Apparently BioMom has been telling him there was."
"I have no idea where she got that idea."
"Now the whole family is up in arms that my stepson may not be able to go to the school of his choice."
The OP's husband thought he found a solution to solve his son's problem, but the OP was vehemently against this solution.
"Now it's come up that our four-year-old has a college fund and investment account, because on my computer there is literally a folder on the desktop that has the investment links and logins and paperwork organized."
"Right now it has about $8000 in it, all of it from me personally depositing money and all of the little cash gifts my daughter receives for Christmas and birthdays etc."
"Because of how badly this whole tuition and university situation has exploded, my husband now thinks we should pay for my stepson's stuff with my daughter's money and he will pay me back."
"The problem is, I've already given my husband a pile of money for other things and I've never gotten it back so I said no."
"Am I the a**hole for ruining my stepson's university opportunity?"
"Everyone else seems to think so but I seem to think this should have been talked about and dealt with a long time ago."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was firmly in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to use their daughter's savings to pay for their stepson's tuition.
Everyone agreed that the OP's husband and son dug their own graves in this instance, and the fact that the OP's husband still hadn't paid back previous loans was all the more reason not to give him the money.
"NTA."
"Protect that money at all costs."
"Change whatever passwords you need to, call the bank and ensure that you're the only one who can access it."- BuildABeaver
"NTA."
"You said yourself your husband has never paid you back."
"His ex is equally responsible for helping her son get to college."- Willing-Survey7448
"NTA."
"You have given your husband a lot of money that he never paid back."
"There is your answer, if you give this money over you will never see it again."
"Your husband hasn't sorted out the college fund for his older children why would you trust him to be responsible for your daughters college fund."
"$8K is also not enough to make a significant difference in a college that is that expensive so you would be just delaying the inevitable."
"Son will need to get student loans or reconsider other options."
"Maybe defer for a year."
"Your husband has not been honest with his son about the lack of funds and should have been."
"He would have been more likely to knuckle down if he knew he needed to."
"Keep your finances separate and make sure your daughter investment fund can not be emptied by your husband."
"The other child is 13 there is still time to heavily encourage your husband to put money away for her and be clear with her what the situation is."- Whitestaunton
"NTA Your husband, his ex, and their son got themselves into this mess through their own laziness, inaction, and plain stupidity and they need to figure it out."
"It's not like they didn't know for 18 years they'd probably need a plan for college."
"Do not let them anywhere near your daughter's money."- DerpDevilDD.
"You did not ruin anything."
"If he really wanted to go to a certain college, it was on him to at least do the best he could and get a better scholarship, and it was on his parents to put away money for him."
"You know, like you've been doing for your daughter."
"Also, someone who focused on the girlfriend rather than school, what's to prevent him from doing the same thing in college?"
"And also, $8000 is a nice amount but it's about 30% of what he needs right now."
"Where's he going to get the rest?"
"NTA."- Princess-She-ra
"NTA."
"I know your daughter doesn't need the money for a few years, but you can't risk it because you have prior experience of lending your husband money which he didn't pay back."
"Nor does it sound like your stepson is doing everything he can, instead it sounds like he's sitting back and waiting for other people to solve his problem, which is not going to serve him well."
"Actually, you're doing him a favor by refusing!"- Extension-Curve-353
"NTA If your stepson can not get a loan he can defer acceptance for a year, work and figure out the finances for his college education."
"Any miscommunication between your stepson and his parents is not your fault and it certainly has nothing to do with your four year old daughter."- laude_nam
"Obviously NTA."
"Your stepson is the one who is interested in going, he should have looked for additional scholarships or extra income."
"That is your daughter's college fund, funded with your money, no one else has a say on it and I would make sure to delete the info from the computer, change ALL passwords and login info RIGHT NOW, and hide it somewhere else."
"Clearly you can't trust your husband or anyone else who snooped on your computer."- Huntokar_Goddess.
"NTA."
"If husband had a better track record of repayment, it'd be a different discussion."
"If you give Stepson that money, you'll never have it for your daughter."- IllustriousPomelo152
"NTA."
"That money belongs to your daughter, not you."
"You've been putting your daughter's birthday & Christmas money in that account."
"She shouldn't have to give that up."
"Your husband has discussed options your stepson has to help pay for college, and he's chosen to ignore the situation and just assume someone else would pick up the tab."
"That person should not be a 4-year-old child."-Hemenucha
Seeing the track record of OP's husband and stepson when it comes to money, it's easy to understand their hesitancy in lending them any further money.
Here's hoping the stepson can find a way to pay for college, and hopefully won't take money for granted going forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp