When kids become adults and start shacking up, not all parents can handle it.
There is a lot to unpack with this topic.
Beliefs about sex are personal, and they can take a lot to figure out.
Redditor LittleInsect665 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for wanting to sleep with my boyfriend?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For quick context: I (22 F[emale]) have been dating my B[oy]F[riend] (23 M[ale]) for three years now."
"A few weeks ago, we moved in together."
"We both work, pay our own bills, and neither of us relies on family members for financial support."
"The other day, my mom and stepfather came to visit us since they were in the area and wanted to check out our new house."
"Since it was a good few hours away from where they live and they arrived in the evening, my boyfriend and I were more than willing to let them spend the night in an empty guest room."
"As everyone was settling in for the evening, my mom was confused as to why my boyfriend wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch."
"I was also confused and said that we should sleep together in the master bedroom."
"My mom is very old-fashioned and doesn’t approve of any type of intimacy before marriage."
"She was also against the idea of my boyfriend and me moving in together, but she held her tongue during the duration of the visit so far."
"We got into an argument, and it boiled down to my mom demanding that my boyfriend either sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom."
"I said that was ridiculous, and it wasn’t like we were going to be doing anything inappropriate within the vicinity of my parents."
"She still said that she was my mother and I should do what was asked of me."
"At that point, my stepfather stepped in and asked that we just listen to her and that I was making things difficult for everyone."
"In the end, nothing got resolved, and my parents left."
"I assume they got a hotel room for the night and left to go back to their house the next morning."
"I got an angry text from my mom where she called me a 'sinful little girl' and that she raised me to be better than that."
"She told an aunt of mine what happened, and I later got a call from her where she said that my mom can be pushy and annoying, but I need to be the bigger person and apologize. "
"My boyfriend is on my side, and his parents and siblings are too. "
"I’m posting here so I can get some outside opinions on things."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your house, your rules, and your morals."
"Mom needs to get over her puritanical giant sky fairy ways if she wants a relationship with you." ~ Comfortable-Fall1419
"My parents were not well off, and when I went to university, my parents were unable/unwilling to support me financially."
"In the second year, I moved in with my girlfriend."
"The two of us also paid all of our bills without family support or loans."
"My father suggested that it wouldn’t be wise for us to move in together."
"I asked if he was going to start paying my rent and other bills, and until that time, he could keep his thoughts to himself."
"My girlfriend’s grandmother 'disowned' her for a short time."
"It was laughable."
"We have stayed together and are still married 36 years later."
"You stick to your guns. NTA." ~ endosurgery
"Your mother very clearly did not raise you better than that."
"Despite herself, she raised an independent daughter."
"She also doesn’t seem to understand that when under your roof, she’s to follow your rules."
"In short, your mother is unreasonable. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"NTA. The audacity to demand you and your boyfriend sleep separately on Y'ALL HOME."
"OP, your mom has no say in how you and your boyfriend live in the home you both pay for."
"If she has that much of an issue, she could book a hotel nearby." ~ DJ_NY_Supreme
"NTA... your mom is brainwashed."
"I'm sorry she would say something like that to her daughter."
"You and your boyfriend can do anything you want behind closed doors."
"Sins are fake rules higher-ups made to keep the lower class in line."
"There's nothing you and your boyfriend could do in the privacy of your bedroom that makes you a bad person, unless it's non-consensual." ~ Krilitane1
"This is absolutely hilarious!"
"What on Earth was your mother thinking was going to happen when you moved in together?"
"How incredibly naive of her to assume you sleep separately."
"And she's the only one that makes this 'sinful.'"
" Intimacy in a healthy couple that has been together for 3 YEARS is about love."
"She just brought shame into the mix and made it weird."
"I understand that it's her religious belief, so you can't really argue with that."
"It's what she was raised to believe, but it's also ridiculous for her to think that after 3 years of living together, you are sinful."
"She should respect you, your relationship, and your home!" ~ Realistic_Ask2059
"NTA. There comes a point where there is no recovering a relationship with a family member, including parents, and when they call you sinful because you’re sleeping in the same bed as someone else, the tipping point is fast approaching." ~ No_Control8031
"I have no issue with people being religious."
"I don’t agree with it, but it’s their life."
"No matter how tempted I am to try and talk them out of believing that certain things are going to cause eternal damnation, I don’t."
"I do, however, have an issue with people pushing their beliefs on me."
"Or anyone else who has made it clear they’re not interested."
"Your mother needs to grow up and recognize that you’re an adult and you’re making your own choices."
"NTA, OP, and do not apologize."
"It will set a terrible precedent where your mother will learn she can throw a tantrum and get her way."
"If your stepdad complains, point out that she’s the one who is being immature by throwing a tantrum."
"Also, he married her, that’s not your fault." ~ Equivalent-Leg-7047
"NTA. You're an ADULT."
"It's your life."
"If your mom disapproved, then it's best she stay somewhere else."
"It's no disrespect to her how you choose to live since you are not in her home."
"Move on."
"She'll get over it... or not."
"That's on her." ~ Imaginary-Goat1010
"NTA even a little."
"She tried to kick him out of his own bed."
"He was allowing them into HIS home, not just yours."
"I think it's time for low/no contact because she obviously does not understand what a problem this actually is." ~ SmolderingMeowMix
"NTA. Set the expectation and boundary now for what you need your life to look like moving forward, and how much say she will get in it." ~ Cocochica33
"NTA. You live together; her request is ridiculous."
"If she’s that against the idea of you two sharing a bed, she should have never stepped foot in your home and just gone to a hotel." ~ CaliGrlNVA
OP came back with an Update...
"One of my little brothers reached out to me the day after Mother’s Day."
"Neither of us particularly cares for each other, but he said he was messaging me because our mom told him what happened, and he wanted my perspective on things since what my mom told him seemed very one-sided."
"I told him what happened and about the argument that ensued afterward, and how I’ve been ghosting my mom, stepdad, and aunt for the past few days."
"My grandma didn’t reach out to me because she had no idea about what happened, according to my brother."
"I’m in the wrong for that, and I’m planning on calling and apologizing to her later today once I have free time."
"My brother said that my mom was upset about the whole encounter and didn’t even want to visit my boyfriend and me to begin with."
"It was my stepdad who really pushed for the visit since again, they were in the area at the time, and he’d feel guilty if they didn’t even swing by to say hello. "
"She thought our house looked tacky and didn’t appreciate our wall decorations."
"Both my boyfriend and I are big fans of Slasher movies, and we have a handful of old movie posters and merch hanging up in the living room."
"We also had a leftover case of beer in the fridge that we got during a hangout with our friends, and my mother doesn’t drink… so she didn’t like that either."
"Of course, the main breaking point is that she didn’t want my boyfriend and me sleeping in the same bed together."
"My brother said that she thought that meant we would be having sex that night."
"I told him that thought didn't even cross my mind."
"If I'm going to have sex with my boyfriend, I’d wait until we were alone in the house."
"I would rather die than do that with my parents in the vicinity."
"I told my brother my half of the story, and he understood and thinks my mom is 90% in the wrong."
"He said I was an a**hole for not saying anything to my grandma for Mother’s Day, which I agree with."
"I’m still not interested in talking to my mom for the time being, but I’ll post updates if anything interesting happens."
"Thank you all for the support so far."
Sorry you're stuck in this scenario, OP.
Don't let your Mom's behavior bother you.
You are an adult.
You live your own life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp