Losing a parent is something a lot of kids, no matter how young or old, never get over.
It can leave a forever hole in the heart.
Then life can get more traumatic when a surviving parent moves on and remarries.
Sometimes it works out beautifully.
Other times... it's more resentment than joy.
Redditor JonScusci wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to attend my Dad's wedding because of his fiancée?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom passed away four years ago, and I (28 M[ale]) was happy to see that my dad (57 M[ale]) has finally started dating again."
"He found a woman (49 F[emale]) who made him happier than I'd seen him in years, but over time she started to push out my mother's memory."
"She would move family photos, stating that we all just needed to 'move on' and started calling herself the 'new matriarch' of the family."
"This has led me to be very distant, and I've even snapped at her a few times, but I can't just sit here and pretend that it's all ok and that it doesn't bother me."
"Now my dad has asked me to give a speech at his wedding, specifically about how she 'brought the family back together."'
"I can't help but think that she told him to say that, and I told him that I did not feel comfortable speaking about something that I didn't believe in. "
"He said that if I couldn't support him on his happiest day, then maybe I shouldn't go."
"So I told him that he shouldn't expect me to go."
"Since then, I've gotten calls from my grandparents and my brother (25 M) saying that I'm punishing my dad for finding happiness and moving on to a new woman."
"My sister (31 F) is the only one who agrees that being asked to give a speech about something I don't believe in would be against my morals."
"My dad said that if I skipped the wedding, it would permanently damage our relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"OP needs to ensure Dad understands that the relationship they each have with OP's mom and Dad’s new wife-to-be is different."
"OP is an adult and may never develop a parental relationship with the new wife as they had with their mom."
"But it can’t be forced."
"I love my dad’s new wife."
"She’s great."
"And she’s not my Mom."
"My Dad’s relationship with his wife is 200,000 times better with her than it ever was with my mom, but he’d never ask me to put her into a 'matriarch' role of the family."
"And I’d actually say my relationship with my dad’s wife is a lot better than the one I had with my mom."
"And even with that, I don’t view her as the matriarch because I didn’t live that experience with her."
"She came into my life when I was 20 and wasn’t living at home anymore."
"It’s different."
"I hope OP can have an open talk with their dad and ensure the dad gets it’s nothing against his new wife to be."
"It’s just a different relationship and different life experience with the new wife to be." ~ allergymom74
"If refusing to stand up in public and lie about his new wife is 'punishing your father,' you should feel free to punish him."
"Don't lie for anybody. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"Important comment."
"NTA, the other commenters who said to tell your dad that you won't give that speech because it's not how you feel are on the right track."
"Sometimes I think that when posters haven't suggested that, there's some underlying long-term reason why saying that isn't possible and/or won't be received well."
"Either way, good luck, OP." ~ oh_you_fancy_huh
"NTA for choosing not to go."
"But have you considered going and giving a speech saying that your mother can never be replaced, but you're happy that your father has found joy again?"
"Or some such."
"If your dad wants to give you a pedestal, you have the opportunity to say what you want to say." ~ CuppaCoffee79
"NTA- You were a grown adult when your mother passed away. "
"This woman didn’t have any part in raising you, so she is not a matriarch."
"She has done multiple things to distance your siblings from her by trying to erase your mother."
"Tell your father you are happy he found someone, but she didn’t do anything to bring the family together, and her actions (and this demand) are splitting the family apart."
"Suggest you make a speech that is supportive of his happiness without telling lies." ~ lostalldoubt86
"Do NOT give her what she wants."
"She doesn’t want you to go."
"Go. Dress well and look happy."
"Then make a quick and general speech that you are happy that they are happy."
"Do not credit her with anything."
"Keep it short and sweet."
"She wants to win and create a rift, and she is succeeding."
"She has been doing this her whole life - she knows what she is doing."
"Go, be happy for him."
"He is your dad."
"She will be your stepmother, and if you have kids- wow."
"So go be happy and make a quick, general speech." ~ Appreciate1A
"NTA. Have you sat your dad down to talk about how you feel about his fiancée?"
"Maybe explain why you can’t give the kind of speech he wants you to give."
"There is a difference in moving on and getting rid of the lingering memories."
"Taking down a few photos would be one thing, but if she’s trying to purge your mom entirely, that’s not great. "
"Your mom helps make your dad who he is today for his new partner, and a decent woman would be thankful for that." ~ m_loquacious
"NTA, but I would go and give a speech about how you love seeing your dad 'happier than he’s been in years.'"
"Don’t tell your dad ahead of time; it’s not about his topic."
"Yes, he will probably be mad, but the rest of the family will see that you aren’t sour grapes, and it will help keep your connection with them." ~ not_rebecca
"NTA. She has a divorce mindset and not one of a widow."
"To her, your mom is like her ex-husband - any reminder needs to be extinguished because she’s the new wife."
"Meanwhile, your mother died."
"Photos of your mom holding her children are cherished by the family and hated by her."
"A fellow widow would know the difference.
"Blessings." ~ AShortTimer
"NTA. And perhaps try finding a way to tell your dad that his decision to allow his fiancée to push his late wife out of the picture so blatantly has, as he put it, permanently damaged your relationship with him."
"Because it has, and I don’t think he sees it that way." ~ Lovely_Spacechild
"NTA for refusing to give a speech saying something contrary to what you feel."
"I'd try to negotiate a way to go to the wedding and have someone else give the speech if they want to control the content."
"If he really wants you to give it, I'd simply say what you said above.... you/family appreciate that she's made him happy, and perhaps you're looking forward to all becoming closer." ~ Ok-Fee5601
"NTA. It’s fine that he’s found love again, and he’s happy."
"But it’s not ok to force his sentiments onto his kids…. Who are all adults!!"
"I would send maybe in a group chat for visibility with your dad, siblings, and grandparents that you are happy he is happy."
"But you will not pretend that she erases your own mother’s memory, or that she is a mother to you when you met her a year ago as an adult."
"You can attend as a guest, but will not say a speech you do not believe in, and would hope your father would not pressure you into lying." ~ Spiritual-Handle2983
"NTA. I have a feeling that you have a lot of family (on your mother's side) that is also feeling forgotten."
"I would start spending time with them."
"And I would make it clear that those people are your family, have been for all of your life, and you are not going to push them out for someone you've barely known for what, two years?"
"My husband's mother passed away about 4 years ago, so sadly I can tell you from personal experience - that is way too fast to be actually moving on from a decades-long loving relationship with children."
"That's running away."
"And any potential spouse who jumps on board with it is bad news bears."
"Tell him flat out he needs to prenup whatever life insurance policy got cashed out and any other assets that got defaulted to his care, and that your siblings deserve that protection of their mother's legacy even if he wants to spite you." ~ KittyKiitos
"The dad is completely blind to her behavior."
"A new woman can arrive and allow the past to still exist."
"A stepmother, despite their thoughts, will never 'replace' a mother, so the more they try, the more the children will push her away."
"NTA." ~ makesnosense42
"NTA. Don't skip the wedding - unless you're willing to go no-contact with Dad and maybe some other people in the family."
"But don't agree to give the speech unless you can give a speech you actually believe in." ~ Remarkable_Inchworm
So sorry for your loss, OP.
Losing a parent can be so painful.
You're willing to go to the event.
You just don't want to be forced into a speech.
That's fair.
Hopefully, your Dad will come around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp