Losing a parent is something a lot of kids, no matter how young or old, never get over.
It can leave a forever hole in the heart.
Then life can get more traumatic when a surviving parent moves on and remarries.
Sometimes it works out beautifully.
Other times... it's more resentment than joy.
Redditor JonScusci wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to attend my Dad's wedding because of his fiancée?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom passed away four years ago, and I (28 M[ale]) was happy to see that my dad (57 M[ale]) has finally started dating again."
"He found a woman (49 F[emale]) who made him happier than I'd seen him in years, but over time she started to push out my mother's memory."
"She would move family photos, stating that we all just needed to 'move on' and started calling herself the 'new matriarch' of the family."
"This has led me to be very distant, and I've even snapped at her a few times, but I can't just sit here and pretend that it's all ok and that it doesn't bother me."
"Now my dad has asked me to give a speech at his wedding, specifically about how she 'brought the family back together."'
"I can't help but think that she told him to say that, and I told him that I did not feel comfortable speaking about something that I didn't believe in. "
"He said that if I couldn't support him on his happiest day, then maybe I shouldn't go."
"So I told him that he shouldn't expect me to go."
"Since then, I've gotten calls from my grandparents and my brother (25 M) saying that I'm punishing my dad for finding happiness and moving on to a new woman."
"My sister (31 F) is the only one who agrees that being asked to give a speech about something I don't believe in would be against my morals."
"My dad said that if I skipped the wedding, it would permanently damage our relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"OP needs to ensure Dad understands that the relationship they each have with OP's mom and Dad’s new wife-to-be is different."
"OP is an adult and may never develop a parental relationship with the new wife as they had with their mom."
"But it can’t be forced."
"I love my dad’s new wife."
"She’s great."
"And she’s not my Mom."
"My Dad’s relationship with his wife is 200,000 times better with her than it ever was with my mom, but he’d never ask me to put her into a 'matriarch' role of the family."
"And I’d actually say my relationship with my dad’s wife is a lot better than the one I had with my mom."
"And even with that, I don’t view her as the matriarch because I didn’t live that experience with her."
"She came into my life when I was 20 and wasn’t living at home anymore."
"It’s different."
"I hope OP can have an open talk with their dad and ensure the dad gets it’s nothing against his new wife to be."
"It’s just a different relationship and different life experience with the new wife to be." ~ allergymom74
"If refusing to stand up in public and lie about his new wife is 'punishing your father,' you should feel free to punish him."
"Don't lie for anybody. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"Important comment."
"NTA, the other commenters who said to tell your dad that you won't give that speech because it's not how you feel are on the right track."
"Sometimes I think that when posters haven't suggested that, there's some underlying long-term reason why saying that isn't possible and/or won't be received well."
"Either way, good luck, OP." ~ oh_you_fancy_huh
"NTA for choosing not to go."
"But have you considered going and giving a speech saying that your mother can never be replaced, but you're happy that your father has found joy again?"
"Or some such."
"If your dad wants to give you a pedestal, you have the opportunity to say what you want to say." ~ CuppaCoffee79
"NTA- You were a grown adult when your mother passed away. "
"This woman didn’t have any part in raising you, so she is not a matriarch."
"She has done multiple things to distance your siblings from her by trying to erase your mother."
"Tell your father you are happy he found someone, but she didn’t do anything to bring the family together, and her actions (and this demand) are splitting the family apart."
"Suggest you make a speech that is supportive of his happiness without telling lies." ~ lostalldoubt86
"Do NOT give her what she wants."
"She doesn’t want you to go."
"Go. Dress well and look happy."
"Then make a quick and general speech that you are happy that they are happy."
"Do not credit her with anything."
"Keep it short and sweet."
"She wants to win and create a rift, and she is succeeding."
"She has been doing this her whole life - she knows what she is doing."
"Go, be happy for him."
"He is your dad."
"She will be your stepmother, and if you have kids- wow."
"So go be happy and make a quick, general speech." ~ Appreciate1A
"NTA. Have you sat your dad down to talk about how you feel about his fiancée?"
"Maybe explain why you can’t give the kind of speech he wants you to give."
"There is a difference in moving on and getting rid of the lingering memories."
"Taking down a few photos would be one thing, but if she’s trying to purge your mom entirely, that’s not great. "
"Your mom helps make your dad who he is today for his new partner, and a decent woman would be thankful for that." ~ m_loquacious
"NTA, but I would go and give a speech about how you love seeing your dad 'happier than he’s been in years.'"
"Don’t tell your dad ahead of time; it’s not about his topic."
"Yes, he will probably be mad, but the rest of the family will see that you aren’t sour grapes, and it will help keep your connection with them." ~ not_rebecca
"NTA. She has a divorce mindset and not one of a widow."
"To her, your mom is like her ex-husband - any reminder needs to be extinguished because she’s the new wife."
"Meanwhile, your mother died."
"Photos of your mom holding her children are cherished by the family and hated by her."
"A fellow widow would know the difference.
"Blessings." ~ AShortTimer
"NTA. And perhaps try finding a way to tell your dad that his decision to allow his fiancée to push his late wife out of the picture so blatantly has, as he put it, permanently damaged your relationship with him."
"Because it has, and I don’t think he sees it that way." ~ Lovely_Spacechild
"NTA for refusing to give a speech saying something contrary to what you feel."
"I'd try to negotiate a way to go to the wedding and have someone else give the speech if they want to control the content."
"If he really wants you to give it, I'd simply say what you said above.... you/family appreciate that she's made him happy, and perhaps you're looking forward to all becoming closer." ~ Ok-Fee5601
"NTA. It’s fine that he’s found love again, and he’s happy."
"But it’s not ok to force his sentiments onto his kids…. Who are all adults!!"
"I would send maybe in a group chat for visibility with your dad, siblings, and grandparents that you are happy he is happy."
"But you will not pretend that she erases your own mother’s memory, or that she is a mother to you when you met her a year ago as an adult."
"You can attend as a guest, but will not say a speech you do not believe in, and would hope your father would not pressure you into lying." ~ Spiritual-Handle2983
"NTA. I have a feeling that you have a lot of family (on your mother's side) that is also feeling forgotten."
"I would start spending time with them."
"And I would make it clear that those people are your family, have been for all of your life, and you are not going to push them out for someone you've barely known for what, two years?"
"My husband's mother passed away about 4 years ago, so sadly I can tell you from personal experience - that is way too fast to be actually moving on from a decades-long loving relationship with children."
"That's running away."
"And any potential spouse who jumps on board with it is bad news bears."
"Tell him flat out he needs to prenup whatever life insurance policy got cashed out and any other assets that got defaulted to his care, and that your siblings deserve that protection of their mother's legacy even if he wants to spite you." ~ KittyKiitos
"The dad is completely blind to her behavior."
"A new woman can arrive and allow the past to still exist."
"A stepmother, despite their thoughts, will never 'replace' a mother, so the more they try, the more the children will push her away."
"NTA." ~ makesnosense42
"NTA. Don't skip the wedding - unless you're willing to go no-contact with Dad and maybe some other people in the family."
"But don't agree to give the speech unless you can give a speech you actually believe in." ~ Remarkable_Inchworm
So sorry for your loss, OP.
Losing a parent can be so painful.
You're willing to go to the event.
You just don't want to be forced into a speech.
That's fair.
Hopefully, your Dad will come around.
