In today's episode of Bridezilla or Not, a now-deleted post chronicles a bride's request for her teenage daughter to read a pre-written speech at the wedding.
The Original Poster (OP) in question is Redditor Striking-Arm3233, the daughter of the bride.
The speech in question was written by the bride herself and doesn't reflect any of the OP's true feelings.
This caused the OP to turn down her mother's request, ultimately leading to an argument.
The OP turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for telling my mom I am not comfortable with the speech she wants me to give at her wedding and I won't give it?"
She went on to explain:
"My mom is engaged to a guy called George and they want their wedding to symbolize the creating of a new family unit with me [15-year-old female]..."
"...and mom and George and his three kids (ages 8, 6 and 5)."
"George's ex wife dipped and has not seen her kids since the youngest was born. My dad died four years ago."
"Mom and George have been together for 3 years and we have lived together for 7 months now."
"Mom, George and George's kids are really happier and my mom is happier than she ever was, something she has said. I don't think she and my dad were happily married when he died."
"Anyway, like I said they want to celebrate the 'family unit' they are creating and want to talk about how great it is, how we're all so happy with it and feel like we have become such a solid unit."
"My mom and George wrote this speech for me to give at the wedding in a few months and they wanted me to read it."
"They said they took care of writing it because they could put words together better. I read the whole thing and I couldn't imagine myself reading it."
"Some of the quotes from the speech are 'I'm so happy our family is finally whole and legally recognized'"
"'I wouldn't change a thing about my life because it brought us all here'"
"'Our family is the best thing to happen to me'"
"'I cannot imagine life being any better than it is right now, standing here among the people I love most in the world'"
"'This is the start of the best chapter of our lives'"
"'I'm so excited to welcome my new dad and new siblings into the (last name) family'"
"Those are just the ones I actually kept notes of. But generally, the tone of the speech is not how I feel."
"I would change all of this in a heartbeat for my dad back. This will never be my best chapter when he's not here, and I don't love George or his kids."
"I don't have strong feelings either way. But I'm also sad. The wedding and all the enthusiasm just reminds me I don't have dad to confide in anymore."
"My mom is happy, and I'm glad of that, and I would give a speech about that, but I know the second I say that, my mom would want us in 'family therapy', and I don't want to go with them."
"I don't want to hear that it's okay to embrace and be happy about a new dad and siblings after 15 years of being an only child."
"Instead, I told mom I wasn't comfortable giving the speech they wrote and I won't do it."
"She told me the speech was perfect and was a beautiful tribute to what was happening. She also told me how much it will mean to George's kids."
"I told her I still didn't feel comfortable giving it and to just forget about me saying anything."
"My mom was upset/mad. George was asking why the hell I'd refuse to do something that will make everyone so happy."
"They told me I'm acting like an elementary school kid instead of a teenager who is basically a young adult."
"They also have George's oldest tell me how excited she and her brothers are to hear my speech, and she told me she's excited to be my sister."
"AITA?"
"Also, the speech is like three pages long."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA - those aren't your words, and that's not how you feel."
"Is there another adult in your life - maybe an aunt/uncle or grandparent that can support you here? And talk some sense into dear old Mom and George" - jrm1102
"NTA"
"That is pretty awful. They are trying to present a vision of what they want the world to see, not reality."
"The fact they didn't write the speech with you or trust you to write it yourself shows that they know how you feel."
"Talk to your mom alone and make it clear that you are not going to read a speech that airbrushes your dad out of history."
"Tell her that you like George and his kids, but you don't love him like a dad and will never see him as your dad."
"Write your own speech, which waters down what they wrote. Congratulate them on their marriage. Say you like George and are pleased your mom is marrying him."
"Present them with the speech and tell them that is the one you'll read or none at all."
"Stick to your guns no matter what they throw at you." - Dalton402
"Tell them you'll read the speech that they wrote by prefacing it with, 'Mom and George wrote this speech for me to read to you today.'"
"If they don't want that, too bad, because that's it is what is going to happen if they insist that you do any type of speech."
"Let's face it, any speech that is read and not from the heart sounds so insincere and contrived anyway. It won't fool anyone, and the whole family will look ridiculous."
"NTA" - Beautiful-Report58
"NTA. Your mother and your stepfather-to-be are welcome to make any comments they like about THEIR feelings about the new relationship."
"They are not allowed to put words in your mouth and ascribe feelings to you that you don't have."
"I would continue to refuse to give the speech, and if they continue to push, I would tell them I might not attend the wedding at all." - Ok_Childhood_9774
"NTA."
"They're trying to sucker you into their 'Perfect New Family' script. Getting an 8-year-old to gush about 'getting a new sister'? Ewww."
"I'd be polite but firm about you not giving this gushy blurb a reading at the wedding. If Miss 8 is so 'excited' for it all, maybe she can do the reading."
"Your mother is not being fair to you. You're not a little kid." - molewarp
"NTA. You have 3 options."
"1, Just do the speech. Hopefully, everyone will see just how much you don't mean it by your facial expressions and tone of voice."
"2. Refuse. Just don't do it."
"3. If they don't accept your refusal, then at the wedding, before you do the speech, say 'I didn't write this, and I do not feel about things as they are written on this speech.'"
"'I have been forced to read it out as is with the threat of punishment. I have no objection to this wedding, i like them well enough, but I still miss my dad and would much sooner him be here.'"
"Or instead, just start reading and then when it gets to one of the phrases that really irks you, stop. Say you can't read what they wrote anymore because it's not true."
"2 and 3 are lively to cause major upset, but your mum is being totally selfish and unfair here." - StarlightM4
"NTA. I'm sorry your Mom is trying to to force this whole thing on you ."
"Is there another adult you can talk to and be willing to stand in your corner?"
"Despite what you think Family Therapy isn't the worst idea, but you'll need to be strong and stand your ground to get your point across, as this won't be an easy ride." - OnlymyOP
"NTA. 'Why are you asking me to lie to all of these people for you?'"
"Also: 'They said they took care of writing it because they could put words together better.'"
"And 'They told me I'm acting like an elementary school kid instead of a teenager who is basically a young adult.' are contradictory statements."
"Either you're a kid who needs the speech written for them, or you're a young adult who can do it yourself, using the truth."
"Sorry, your mom and George are awful, and this smells like one of those situations where the older kid from the previous marriage is neglected and ignored."
"I would start right now doing everything you can to make sure you're taken care of once you're out of their house."
"I can see how in a few years it'll be 'Sorry, we can't help you with college, we have to spend that money on
Verdict? Bridezilla.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp