There's a stereotype about men being helpless while their female partners are expected to carry the majority of the household load at all times. While it's not a universal truth, many couples still struggle with the partnership part of being partners.
Especially when a primary caregiver is sick.
An ill spouse turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over their husband's inability to parent his own children.
Frej2223 asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my husband with the kids?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For two days I’ve been feeling horribly sick with flu like symptoms. I ended up going to the ER yesterday afternoon where they kept me for 14 hours. Turns out I have tick-borne encephalitis (TBE). Not fun to say the least."
"Couple that with not having slept or eaten since 14:00 the previous day and I’m not doing well."
"While in the ER, my husband asked if I’d make a bottle for our son when I arrived home so he could feed him at night. Mind you the bottles were all dirty. So I’d have to wash and fill a bottle potentially in the middle of the night upon arriving home."
"When I did arrive home at 6 the following morning, he asked me to help get the kids ready for school before I went to rest. I got upset with him, saying if the tables were turned, I’d never ask him to help if he was sick, let alone just home from the emergency room."
"He does work nights from home trying to build his mechanic business, but given that I was literally in the ER, I feel he should’ve managed his time better."
"I should also mention he will be gone the next two weekends for concerts. So this is my last week to get healthy before being on my own for two weekends. It feels grossly unfair to me, and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset."
"He has a tendency of asking me to do things for him or the kids that he could easily do himself. Or asking questions he could easily find the answer to on his own."
"I broke down crying the other day because I’m upset that nobody takes care of me, including myself. I’m so busy caring for my family but they never care for me. Especially when I’m sick. I’m getting to the end of my rope."
"AITA for refusing to help?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Because my husband works nights to build his business so he can be home with our family instead of working a 9-5 away from us."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. It doesn't sound like 'refusing to help' is adequate. You need to make it clear to your husband that he has to step up and do his fair share."
"Asking him to cancel his next concert weekend because you're sick would be entirely reasonable."
"If he doesn't change, you can push for marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, your next step would be consulting a divorce lawyer. Yes, it's that serious." ~ NapalmAxolotl
"Have you talked to your regular doctor about whether or not it’s safe for you to be alone these next few weekends? I’m not very familiar with tick-borne encephalitis (TBE), but apparently there’s a small chance it can get serious…"
"According to online resources, 'TBE is most often manifested as a two-phased illness. The first phase is associated with symptoms like fever, fatigue, headache, muscular ache and nausea. The second phase involves the neurological system with symptoms of meningitis (inflammation of the membrane that surrounds the brain and spinal cord) and/or encephalitis (inflammation of the brain)'."
"Again, I’m not familiar with this disease, so don’t freak out or anything, but maybe see what your regular doctor says. If anything, I would make sure you have someone who can be 'on call' if you need help with the kids. I would also make sure he has a plan to get himself home quickly if need be."
"Honestly, it makes me sick how unserious your husband is being about your being ill. He clearly doesn’t understand that just because the hospital didn’t keep you, it doesn’t mean you’re okay. It just means you’re not currently in danger of dying - nothing more. So yeah, he should not be bothering you at all so you can recover."
"I’m very sorry he’s acting this way. I imagine you feel very hurt and frustrated. I would too. NTA." ~ ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct
"NTA. Why do you let him get away with this crap? If my husband asks me to do stuff when I'm sick, I tell him I'm sick and he'll have to handle it. And he does. Just say no." ~ Hey-Just-Saying
"NTA. He needs to step up more. I’m married with no kids and my husband goes out often. If I’m sick, he stays home to care for me. When I have surgery, he comes home early to care for me or takes PTO to look after me. There’s only the cat to care for apart from myself and himself and he takes over the kitty too the second he realises I’m sick."
"He’s even driven 15 miles to the ER to collect me at 4am without complaint, back when I couldn’t even keep water down. He had to go to work an hour after we got home."
"Your husband should be prioritizing you and the kids, not his concerts. The artists will most likely play again in the area. He can sell the ticket to recoup his money. Family should take first place and concerts are much further down the list."
"I hope you start feeling better soon and recover quickly. Sending healing vibes your way." ~ CacklingInCeltic
"NTA. You just have to do it more. Push more stuff on him. Take a weekend trip and leave him to handle everything on his own. If he doesn't get it, he can do it all 50% of the time without you." ~ HistoricalFudge3186
"NTA. At all. Not even one little splidge. I had a husband like that, once."
"Most jobs in the house were mine, and some were his. Only, when he was doing his jobs, he'd be asking me to help with them. Like, we'd need something fixed, so he'd set it all up to get stuck in, kneel on the floor, hands empty, and he'd be all, 'Got a screwdriver?' .... 'Got some pliers?'."
"I fell for it at first, then told him to sort out his tools before he starts. He'd tell me he didn't know what he needed until he looked, so I said 'At that point, you get up and go and get them. I am not your gopher. Just like you refuse to be mine if I ask you to carry the laundry basket'."
"Grrr... I'm triggered. I'm so sorry for the rant. But yes, you are not the a**hole. You are not his maid, and you are not his gopher. Or his mother."
"I hope you feel better soon." ~ Sewishly
"NTA. Your husband needs to take care of you. And you need to be clear and refuse when he makes these demands. It is not unreasonable to say 'No, I'm too sick. You'll have to take care of it.' And the fact that he doesn't seem to concerned or making any sort of effort is deeply concerning."
"A conversation needs to happen. You need to tell him how you feel. Nobody ever takes care of you. Even yourself. Nobody ever takes care of you because you are meeting the needs and demands of others. You will burn out. You will make yourself even more ill. This is not a minor issue, this is a relationship ender potentially, if it's not taken care of."
"And he needs to understand that just because you were discharged from the hospital doesn't mean you're healthy enough to do tasks around the house! It still means rest and recuperate. It would not be unreasonable for him to sell his concert ticket for the next weekend. He is showing a great lack of care and concern." ~ ScarlettKitsune
"NTA he can't care for his own children? He should be ashamed."
"Is he a musician? If your wife is that sick, leaving for 2 weeks... just attending concerts is one thing... Hopefully he is actually working! If he is going for fun ... yeah no. Do you have a relative or friend who can help you?" ~ Beginning-Potato-617
"NTA. Even if he was doing his 'fair share,' him asking his sick wife to help with the kids without giving said wife a chance to rest is pretty damn sh*tty on his end." ~ yobaby123
The OP provided an update:
"I’ve just scheduled us a couples counseling session and will set firm boundaries. Thanks everyone!"
OP is looking for a partner.
Hopefully, counseling will help them achieve that goal or figure out that their husband has entirely different goals.
