A death in the family is certain to disrupt the everyday routine—even if the person who passed wasn't beloved.
But what if one family member decides that means no accommodations will be given for the grieving process?
A husband reluctant to support his wife and mother-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Tenrac asked:
"AITA for putting my family before my mother-in-law (MIL) after the death of her husband?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"MIL's husband passed, he has been in hospice care for about 3 years. This man is not someone either my wife (39, female) or I (46, male) have many good feelings about."
"To my wife, he was the (4th) man that her mom was married to. To me he was the ex-felon, racist, chain smoking redneck who has been manipulative and mostly a d*ck to me since I met my wife (11 years)."
"MIL has missed a large part of her grandchildren's first few years because she was his primary caregiver during hospice. We are relieved that he is now finally out of the picture...I am so relieved that this man no longer has the ability to be an influence on my children."
"However, both of us do very much care for MIL and her wellbeing, and she loved this man so she will need support. She lives 3 hours away in another state."
"We are a family of 4. My wife and I work full time and have a 14-month-old daughter and 3-year-old son."
"My wife is wanting to go up there for the whole next week to be there for her mother. I can not go, period."
"My vacation time is used up. My salary is entirely commission—if I am not here selling, then we don't make money—and I bring home the larger portion of our income."
"My wife has a more traditional salaried job and does have available PTO as well as bereavement time. My job does not give me any of that—don't work in the automotive dealership service world kids."
"I have watched our kids by myself before, but not for such a long period of time. My job is Monday through Saturday, 7:30am-6pm."
"I would have to get both kids dressed and out the door by 6:45, which I already do (wife leaves at 5:30), also have them picked up by 7 pm in the evenings and then make dinners, get them ready for bed and asleep. Throw in the cooking, laundry, and grocery shopping."
"My wife has offered to take the kids with her, but I would rather them not miss a week of their normal routine for this circumstance. MIL is a smoker as well, and there is that."
"We have other family members on my side that might be able to come help me during this week, but none of that has been confirmed yet."
"I am of the opinion that MIL knows what it is like to be a mother and what it's like to try to raise a family and work, and I feel like it is not the best plan for my wife to put her family on hold for a whole week to go up there and hang out with her mom while she goes through this. Therefore, I suggested that my wife just go up for the weekend."
"My wife thinks I am being insensitive. MIL has not asked for anything."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I told my wife that I didn't think she should leave for a week to be with her grieving mother. Her mother's husband just passed away after his battle with cancer."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA. How did this become all about you?"
"'Put her family on hold'? What are you talking about?"
"You & your kids should be able to function without Mom for a week."
"It's a week. Families do what they need to do when they are dealing with a death in the family. If OP doesn't want kids around a smoker, then he's going to need to deal with taking care of the kids."
"It doesn't need to be perfect. Make sure kids are fed & semi-clean when Mom gets back. No one cares about laundry, cleaning, cooking, groceries…"
"Mom can pre-make dinners for every night. Shop before she leaves."
"The kids also don't need to be in daycare until Dad is done. Hire a sitter. Ask family to help out…. Or just send the kids with Mom."
"My husband & I have 4 kids. My grandfather had a heart attack & passed suddenly."
"I walked out the door that day to be with my grandmother without any of our kids—they were 2, 2, 4, and 6 at the time. My husband just said go & he handled it."
"No discussion. No conversation. Just go!"
"Our neighbor & my best friend helped out & it all worked out. The house was a total disaster … but kids were fine, so no one cared."
"It wasn't perfect, but we did what we needed to do. He never asked me to change my plan." ~ Alarming_Reply_6286
"Why does Mom have to do all the prep for OP? She works as well."
"If OP wants prepped meals before his wife leaves, he can do that himself. He can also shop for the week so she can concentrate on getting ready." ~ GoodQueenFluffenChop
"Do not say 'mom can make freezer meals and grocery shop ahead of time'—her mother is grieving. OP can pick up the slack and hit the store and kitchen."
"He's not a helpless child, just a worthless husband." ~ pineappledaphne
"YTA. Please do not take your wife up on her offer to bring the kids. Your wife won't be able to do what she wants to help her mother, and your kids will be stuck in a grieving household for a week."
"Not to mention that no one should have to drive three hours with two toddlers unless they absolutely have to."
"You have one week with a difficult but doable schedule. You will be tired and have no time to yourself but you can get this done."
"I can't help but think of the millions of people who do exactly what you are dreading all the time. That's perhaps not fair to you, especially since you acknowledge how difficult it will be."
"However, when you follow that thought with the accusation that your wife is putting your family on hold…by asking you to support her by running the household for a week…then that's where I take umbrage."
"Whether you mean it that way or not, the subtext I'm picking up is that you are above doing this, unlike all the people (mostly women) who are expected to do this and judged if they complain."
"Your family isn't being put on hold. You are being asked to step up in an emergency situation by parenting your children. That's exactly how a family is supposed to work."
"You don't need to be perfect. The house may be a bit messier, the timing may be a bit off, but everyone will be okay."
"If you are truly that horrified at a hard, no good, very busy week, then please remember that horror when it counts."
"Advocate for better parental and familial leave, support laws and politicians who advocate for better work-life balances, and speak up when you hear someone judging someone for their parenting." ~ EmpressJainaSolo
"Please do not let your wife bring those kids with her as she helps her mother during this difficult time. Small children will make it impossible for your wife actually to be there for her mother."
"And I am not even thinking about the smoke in the house. I am 100% thinking about your wife and how she can best help her mother."
"Suck it up, it's one week. Be an actual supportive husband and father, and do not ask your wife to set anything up for you before she leaves."
"You are these kids' dad; you should know what to do already. And if something crazy happens and you do not know the answer, you can always text her."
"By crazy, I mean, the kids are seriously injured or need a doctor, and you have no idea who their doctor is (which you should flipping know, but I digress)."
"Seriously, it is one week, and you and your kids will be just fine. Your feelings about your former father-in-law do not matter in this situation."
"All that matters is what is best for your MIL and wife. Boss up and be supportive of your wife."
"Also, be sure to apologize to her for being selfish and trying to make her feel like she was doing something harmful to you and your kids. That was really messed up." ~ Open_Ferret9870
"YTA. It's one week. Those kids are 50% yours and looking after them for 7 days on your own is entirely manageable."
"Don't be that daddy that acts like he's the babysitter. Step up!" ~ Repulsive_State_7399
"Here's you OP: 'My FIL died, but like, we didn't even like him and now my wife wants to go, like, help? I guess? Ugh, anyway, it's going to be mad inconvenient for me to parent the two kids I helped make. How do I get my wife to care less about her mom?'."
"YTA. Majorly." ~ knittininthemitten
The OP responded with some colorful language in the comments, as well as calling all of his detractors a**holes.
I guess he shouldn't have asked a question he didn't want an answer to then.
What do you think? Let us know in the comments.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp