Vacationing with friends can be a blast.
When a certain group reunites every so often to travel and have fun the possibilities can be downright debaucherous.
But it isn't always stress-free.
Planning the journey and executing the travel arrangements can be very taxing.
Not everyone may be on board with certain details of the plan.
Redditor TooEmbarrassed7 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not giving my plus size friend the queen-size bed in our B & B?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (30's F[emale]) am going on vacation with 4 of my friends (30's and 40's Fs)."
"We go every year and always use a randomized selection tool to help us choose who gets which bedroom."
"The tool assigns the order in which we can choose."
"I got 3rd choice, and my plus size friend (Marie) got 5th choice."
"The first 3 of us all chose the queen-size beds."
"The other two got twin beds and had to share a room."
"Yeah, it sucks, but that's why we leave it up to chance so nobody can complain."
"Marie asked me privately if we could switch places so she can have the queen-sized bed."
"She is plus-size, but not so big that she can't fit in a twin bed."
"I personally have lost over 100 lbs and at my largest, was bigger than Marie is now."
"I never once asked to switch beds when I was bigger."
"I therefore said no."
"She started crying and told me I was being unreasonable and that I, of all people, should understand."
"I do understand, but it's my vacation, too, and I've worked hard to be in a body I'm comfortable in."
"I don't feel like I should give up my spot to accommodate her when she can still fit in the twin bed."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"So you all paid the same amount and then left it to a randomizer to choose bedrooms?"
"Forget about the weight - if I paid the same $$ to sleep in a double in a shared room, while my friends paid the same for a room to themselves, I'd be pissed. Regardless, NTA." ~ VeronicaSawyer8
"This isn't easy - I'm over 300 lbs myself."
"HOWEVER I will say that my chubby a** that IS medically disabled (and I do sometimes have to walk with a cane) can also sleep in a damn twin-size bed."
"AND I HAVE DONE SO RECENTLY!!!"
"I'm sure she just assumed the odds would be in her favor, and then when they weren't, that her friends would give in."
"Sometimes life is disappointing."
"Hell, I'm disappointed that I can't go out and be active anymore because my body decides it wants to fight itself every waking (and non-waking) minute."
"And therefore, I am now the ever-loving size that I am (plus I love milk in my coffee... it's been my last thing to let go of!) But alas!"
"We all have disappointment!"
"And hers is NOT yours to own!"
"I say let that s**t go and enjoy that queen bed and the extra $75 you agreed to pay if you were drawn to get it! Definitely NTA!" ~ Awkward_Courage5
"I can't stand whiners and criers."
"She knew what the rules were; she knew what the odds were."
"If she did not want to risk getting the twin option, she should have stayed home. NTA."
"P.S. This is why I always stay in hotels, where I can get the accommodations I want without having to deal with other people's juvenile crap." ~ Odd_Pudding7341
"Sure she wouldn't have an issue with the system when she gets first pick."
"Has she complained other years?"
"NTA, everyone knows the odds and risks."
"Being smaller doesn't mean you don't get a good bed." ~ pandachook
"I mean, NTA regardless, but I'm just curious… does your system automatically give choices 1 and 2 to the twin-bed, shared-bedroom users next year?"
"Just to prevent people from having continued bad/good luck year over year?" ~ ti*s_on_bread
"The New York Times has a bidding calculator to divide rent fairly."
"That might be a good thing to try in the future."
"Basically, you put in the cost, rooms (or beds), and people's names, and it asks one person if these were the costs of each room, which would you want?"
"Then it tweaks the numbers and asks another person, and on and on, and it keeps going until it calculates a pretty fair financial split."
"If people want the nicer rooms, they can bid more for them until the other decides that taking a cheaper room is worth it for them."
"You wouldn't have been happy to take the twin for only 325 when the queen was only 400, which is why you chose the queen."
"And why did the first two friends also choose the queens?"
"None of the 3 of you would have been happy to take the twin for 325 and but neither was your larger friend."
"The three of you who got the queen beds win because you are getting the bed for under the market value because too many people wanted them at that price point."
"If you want everyone to be happy, the price difference between the rooms needs to be enough for someone to want to take the cheaper bed."
"325 wasn't a big enough difference, which is why no one voluntarily chose a twin."
"Would 425 and 300 have made everyone happy?"
"Would 500 and 275? 600 and 175?"
"I don't know where everyone's line is, but everyone had one."
"NTA for not wanting to switch, and while you all agreed on how to decide, it was always going to end up being unfair to someone the way you decided."
"Your friend should have handled it better, she knew before you guys picked that she might end up in a twin and kept her mouth shut until she lost." ~ Tygerlyli
"NTA. This is the agreed-upon method of determining beds if she doesn't like the results then she shouldn't have agreed to the setup."
"Also there's absolutely no cause for her to demand larger than a twin." ~ TheVaneja
"Isn't a twin bed like 39 inches wide?"
"That's 3.3ft. that's not exactly slumming it in a kiddy bed or something."
"I know this cos my kid has a twin XL, and I had to learn the sheet sizes in inches as some packages lie."
"She's also paying less. It's a shi**y situation, but it is what it is."
"I only say NTA because you guys used the randomized thing to pick the rooms. It's not like you all outright set out to upset her."
"She was fine with the prospect of getting the smaller bed until she did." ~ HyenaStraight8737
"NTA. I am a plus size and can absolutely sleep in a twin bed."
"Sure, a person who is much smaller would have an easier time in a twin, but I can totally sleep comfortably."
"And she knew about the room situation in advance, so if she was truly concerned about needing an accommodation for bed size, she should have told the group in advance."
"It can be embarrassing, but she could have told people in advance since you are all friends- listen, I can't sleep in a twin bed so I am happy to pay more to secure a queen or look for a different house." ~ mfruitfly
"NTA. You all have an established arrangement for picking rooms."
"If she had an issue with that, she should've said something beforehand."
"Expecting you to give up your room is unreasonable." ~ RandomReddit9791
"NTA... she agreed to this plan."
"When it didn't work out to her preference, she asked if you would switch."
"A reasonable thing to ask IF she will respect your response, which she's not." ~ christina0001
"NTA, tears don't make someone right or justified." ~ ashyjay
OP came back to chat and provide some info...
"We agreed ahead of time that the two people who got the twin beds would pay $75 less than the rest of us."
"It's just way too expensive to get a place with five rooms and five queen beds."
"She doesn't have any mobility issues or other disabilities that I'm aware of."
"It's $75 off of a total of $400 for the whole trip."
"She never explicitly offered the $75 back to me, but I honestly can't imagine she didn't have that in mind when asking to switch."
"She's not the monster a lot of you are assuming she is."
"Thank you all for your comments."
"Many people suggested it might be more about her discomfort about sharing a room, and not as much about out the bed."
"That would make way more sense to me."
"When I was bigger, I used to snore and was completely embarrassed when I had to sleep in a room with someone."
"Many also suggested I am lacking empathy. It is true, I do not feel empathy."
"It is a long-standing issue with my mental health, and is why I often post on this account asking for help."
"I don't want to be a di*k, so I rely on honest people to call me out."
"So I do appreciate it, even though many people who said these things were downvoted."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. You deserve your comfort as well.
Marie could've requested the queen bed from the jump in order to avoid this problem.
It's great that you're self-aware when it comes to your empathy issues.
You care, and you're working on it.
Have fun!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp