Group vacations can be great fun, but only if everyone is on the same wavelength. All it takes is one person who OK'd plans then balks and complains constantly once at the destination to ruin everyone else's good time.
A young woman on an extended holiday with friends turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ExternalBug8 asked:
"AITA for telling my friend his weight is ruining my vacation?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (21, female) am currently on vacation with my friends (not their real names), Apple (21, female), Banana (22, female), Clementine (21, male), Durian (22, male). Last year we decided to book our first proper friend group trip after having known each other for 3 years, we booked a month long trip through South East Asia."
"We planned it all together. We each sent ideas in the group chat and everyone had to approve the idea to add it to the itinerary. Thinking about it now, I do understand that Durian might have been scared to be the only one opposing it."
"My friend Durian has been struggling with his weight for the past couple of years. Two years ago he confided in us that he struggles with binge eating and low self esteem due to the way he looks."
"We've tried helping him in several ways, but he never accepts any help and avoids the topic altogether.
"That's why we tried to get him to go to counseling offered by the university thinking maybe he felt uncomfortable talking to us because he is scared of judgement. He said he would make an appointment, but hasn't done so in two years."
"We contacted the councilor, but they can't do anything unless he is willing to contact them. Then we asked him if he wanted to seek help from the GP, he said he would go when visiting his parents, but never went."
"If you bring up the topic, he just changes the subject or says he will try his best to seek help, but doesn't end up taking any action."
"We have thus decided we won't talk about it anymore unless he brings it up himself, because Durian told us we are putting too much pressure on him which worsens his mental health."
"One year ago when we booked our trip, Durian announced that he would be going on a proper weight-loss journey. We were kind of skeptical because he hadn't worked on his mental health, so we didn't believe weight-loss would be possible without fixing the cause first, but still we decided to support him the best we could."
"His goal was to go from 18 stone (252 lbs) to 14 stone (196 lbs) in one year. I myself am not the fittest, so I told him we should start training together."
"For about a month, he showed up to our training session, but then just stopped coming. He always had an excuse of why he couldn't come."
"We tried asking him how he was doing with the weight-loss, but he would always answer saying it is a private matter and talking about it makes him uncomfortable. During the year he was very positive about losing the weight but as the trip got closer, and hadn't reached his goal he started talking negatively."
"We didn't know what to do (as we promised not to talk about his diet) so we tried to assure him the trip would be great and that he shouldn't focus on his weight, because this vacation is one of many more vacations that we'll be going on so not reaching his goal shouldn't be the main thing on his mind."
"One month before we left for our holiday, he told us he had gained almost 2 stone (28 lbs) during the year."
"I don't know much about ED's but I know that there are certain things that he is struggling with that are causing BED. We tried to talk to him to him about his feelings, because usually it will make you feel better to open up your heart and let it out instead of carrying the weight of it alone. But he doesn't want to talk to us."
"As the trip came closer, I started to get annoyed by his behavior. He continually complains about seating, people giving him looks (which I haven't noticed), walking, not wanting to go sightseeing, that he doesn't have clothes, etc..."
"I don't mind him not participating in certain plans, but the constant nagging is just ruining my mood. My last straw was the water park. The whole ride to the park, he just kept saying how insecure he is about his body and that he can't handle going to a place where people will be looking at him."
"He then refused to enter the park and made a whole scene at the entrance. Durian expected everyone to cancel the waterpark trip and leave with him."
"He was saying he couldn't go inside because it was too overwhelming. We already bought tickets, so we told him he doesn't have to change his clothes or swim, he could just chill at the cabana we booked."
"After a whole discussion, he said he wants to get a taxi back to the AirBNB. Before we left the UK, we made a rule that no one leaves alone, so we always have to travel with at least two people."
"But no one was really willing to go back to the AirBNB. So they were discussing that the fair thing to do was for all of us to head back and then I just snapped."
"I just told him that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to, but to not ruin my vacation with his weight problems and that he should have thought about this before coming here."
"After I said this, he went back to the AirBNB with Banana. Apple and Clementine are on my side, saying he brought me to my breaking point and that he should apologize for his behavior."
"But Banana thinks I was too harsh and should have thought about his mental health. I haven't talked to him in two days and we still have three weeks left of our trip."
"Am I the A**hole?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my friend that his weight problems are ruining my vacation even though I know that he is struggling with his mental health."
"So on the one hand I'm thinking I'm an a**hole because I should be considering the fact he has a binge eating disorder and therefore struggles with his weight."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA) to call out their friend's behavior.
"I have all the sympathy for someone's problem until they start making it everyone else's problem. Your friend is forcing his problems onto all of you and expecting you to blow up your own lives to support his problems when he refused repeatedly to address them himself."
"You have food allergies? You don't get to dictate where or what other people choose to eat. You have a mental health disorder? You don't get to dictate that the entire world change for you."
"That's why they're called reasonable accommodations."
"Making vacation plans with friends then deciding after you're there to force your friends to cancel the plans everyone approved well in advance because of one person's problems that they refused to get help for isn't reasonable. Your friend is selfish and deserved to be called out for much worse."
"He is choosing to ruin everyone's vacation. He should have stayed home. Instead he's waited until you've all spent your money to decide he's going to try to force you to cancel everything he doesn't want to do. He's a self-centered a** with an eating disorder/mental health issue, but he's still choosing to be a selfish a**."
"ESPECIALLY since it's a fully treatable problem. Dude could go to a therapist tomorrow, but wants to make it everyone else's problem rather than his." ~ flotiste
"NTA, but choosing cute little fruits for all of your other friends and naming him after the giant ugly sewer stink fruit was a choice. A hilarious choice even if you were just doing A-B-C-D." ~ 6ofSwords
"I don’t even know what people think they’re pointing out when they over-analyze whether or not an OP likes the person they’re in conflict with. Like, they’re not on speaking terms because Durian has been acting like an energy vampire with his 'poor me' routine and demanding everyone just sit around being miserable with him. Is OP supposed to pretend that they like the annoying person who keeps bringing everyone down with their annoying, selfish behavior?" ~ otisanek
"Even if I liked the person before, if they ruined a probably once in a lifetime four week vacation, I wouldn’t have fond feelings for them afterwards." ~ Icyblue_Dragon
"NTA. As much as he complains about the unwelcome attention, he sure is making himself the center of attention. Deciding not to enter a water park when you are already there is toddler stuff." ~ BobTheInept
"At some point every one hits an age I think where we get a little shiver or chill of understanding that maybe our friends need professional help. Sometimes that feeling bubbles up as anger and frustration because the love and care is long gone."
"If someone has a mental health issue grace and forgiveness at first is the expectation from friends & family. Her friend has had an issue with weight (durians words) and mental health for a long time."
"At some point that grace and understanding fades & is not fair of the person with the problem to expect others to continue shouldering their burden. That is not a friend."
"More people need to wake up to this concept. If someone has a mental health issue and they refuse to take care of it, that is the definition of when 'that’s your problem not mine' needs to be deployed. Everyone has the right to walk away from an abusive situation—yes, this person is emotionally abusing their friends with their guilt trips—regardless of the abuser's motive/personal issues." ~ otterpop21
The OP shared a short update:
"Thanks for your comments, it has made me understand his behavior a bit more. He's showing a lot of the same behaviors that you are mentioning."
"I'm going to try to talk to him about everything that has been going on for the past few years, in an understanding and supportive manner."
The OP is choosing to be compassionate to their friend, even if everyone wasn't sure he deserved it any longer.
While they can't force their friend to get the help he needs, they aren't obligated to reshape their lives to accommodate him because he won't get help either.
He doesn't need to be the main character in their vacation, let alone their lives.
