Everyone has their own journey when it comes to body image.
Knowing the right thing to say seems like an explosive topic these days.
Weight loss is just not an easy topic to discuss.
It may never be.,
Redditor justtakingapeak2 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not complimenting my Friend’s Weight Loss?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (41 F[emale]) have been friends with ‘Kelly’ (40 F) since we were in middle school.”
“She has been overweight for most of her life.”
“Her highest was around 350lbs.”
“For context, I’ve been mostly around the 150 to 180 lb range since high school.”
“Kelly has tried all the diet trends you can think of over the years and nothing really has worked.”
“She will get going pretty well and then stop and gain the weight back.”
“I would always compliment and encourage her while she was losing, but she mentioned this makes her feel self-conscious and gets discouraged to keep going since she feels like she is being treated differently.”
“A little over a year ago, she really went all in.”
“No fads or quick fixes.”
“Just changed her eating habits, committed to a walking plan and strength training, and other stuff.”
“I’m not sure how much she has lost, but it has to be at least a 100lbs.”
“So proud of her.”
“While at a party thrown at my house, one of the guests who had not seen Kelly in awhile complimented her for working hard and losing weight.”
“Kelly responded: ‘At least someone is happy for me. My so-called friend has not said anything about it and does not seem to care.'”
“I was taken back and reminded her what she told me about praise.”
“She said I was just being a jerk and felt jealous about her meeting her goals and should have still given at least some encouragement.”
“So now I am confused and wondering if I should have found a way to cheer her on.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITHA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, jeesh.”
“She explicitly told you she felt uncomfortable with the compliments, so you stopped.”
“You had no way of knowing that had changed, and she’s ridiculous for publicly calling you out at a party instead of coming to you as a friend and saying, ‘Hey, this hurt my feelings.'”
“Is this out of character for her?”
“If so, it couldn’t hurt to give it a couple of days and then check in.”
“Losing a large amount of weight like that is a change I have a hard time wrapping my head around as someone who’s never been overweight.”
“So I can imagine a change like that throwing someone off-kilter and bringing up unexpected emotions as they learn to navigate the world in a new body.” ~ nefarious_planet
“NAH. A piece of advice I was given by a teacher in high school: don’t compliment on weight loss.”
“Just don’t.”
“Compliment them on their health and how happy they look.”
“I am more concerned about how a friend feels in their body than the number on the scale.” ~ CurbinKrakow
“NTA. I’d have a conversation with her privately, though.”
“Explain that you were respecting her wishes since she’d asked you not to compliment her or comment.”
“Then tell her what you said here, that you’re proud of her!”
“And ask how you would like her to engage.”
“Explain that you didn’t appreciate the jab because you really were trying to follow her lead and give her the respect that she deserves.”
“If her expectations of you had changed, she needed to tell you.” ~ MinervaZee
“An old friend of mine came to me once with a very heavy, emotional thing.”
“I sat with them through it and encouraged them to keep working through it, told them I was proud of them for facing the difficult thing, and that they were awesome.”
“They yelled at me, telling me that they never asked for that, that I made them feel worse, and that I was such a sh*t friend.”
“A while after that, they came out as trans. I told them that was great, but didn’t offer any emotional support. They got mad at me for not being emotional for them.”
“NTA. You were doing the thing she asked you to do.”
“Doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“People just don’t always know how to communicate.” ~ deber38
“Based on extremely limited information and in the spirit of being an internet random, I will ask you if she is really your friend?”
“She complains when you support her for her efforts.”
“She complains publicly about you, in a manner designed to cause insult, when you abide by her wishes not to offer compliments.”
“It sounds like there is some kind of resentment festering in this person.”
“Anyway, NTA.” ~ SalaudChaud
“Compliment her on her willpower, her dedication to her health, and her self-discipline rather than complimenting her on her aesthetics.”
“I have had body image and yo-yo weight my entire 48.5 years on this earth.”
“I lost about 50 or 60 lbs 3 years ago and kept it off now by changing many things that had nothing to do with looks or lbs.”
“It’s a very emotional and spiritual journey for some of us.”
“Maybe try talking to your friend privately about those concepts around the weight loss and less about the numbers and see how that goes.” ~ Confident_Spring_265
“I’ve complimented someone and then they gained it all back. Awkward.”
“I complimented someone, and she told me she had a stomach problem requiring surgery. Awkward.”
“I had a colleague complain to us that no one was complimenting her on her weight loss.”
“I told her these two stories and said– no way do I say anything anymore.”
“She got it. NTA.” ~ Electronic-Smile-457
“Kelly is messed up because she wants people to say something about her appearance, which is rude behavior in my world, but she doesn’t want them to say something about her appearance.”
“This is a Kelly problem, not a you problem. NTA.” ~ Realistic-Weird-4259
“NTA. You respected her wish not to comment on her weight.”
“She may want validation now, but her past request was clear.”
“A private, supportive chat could help.” ~ lollira
“NTA. She’s in a different mindset this time around, it feels like she can do it this time so her feelings about it have changed and she’s more open to compliments.”
“However, you’re not to know that unless she tells you!”
“She made this situation herself and should have backed off when you pointed out that you were trying to be respectful, not doubled down.” ~ strawberrypops
“NTA. For me, weight is a topic that’s never on the table.”
“You gain, you lose, you do you.”
“You say to someone, oh you look great, you look like you lost weight and they take it as they looked bad before.”
“Or they tell you there is some medical reason and that’s awful.”
“You don’t say, hey you look like you’re packing on a few pounds you should take care of that.”
“I tell people they look nice or whatever but leave weight out of it.”
“It’s so emotional for so many people.”
“Myself included.”
“We all know what we weigh.”
“We know what we look at.”
“I don’t find it helpful to be reminded of that.” ~ justalittlesunbeam
“NTA, I’m guessing she wanted you to encourage her by admiring other things than losing weight like saying you admire her sticking to a challenging exercise habit.”
“If so, it’s hard for you to know that’s what she was asking so I’d ask.”
“I’d also tell her that you don’t appreciate her setting a boundary and then getting upset when you respect it.”
“Or expecting her to read her mind.”
“Or making you look like a bad friend at her party and in the future, discuss it privately.” ~ julesk
“NTA. It’s rude to comment on someone’s weight.”
“I really wish more people would normalize this.”
“If she wanted to discuss her weight with you, she should have brought it up and asked if you had noticed.”
“Then it’s appropriate to discuss her weight loss.”
“Otherwise you could keep your thoughts to yourself (as you correctly did).”
“I recently lost a lot of weight, and I hate it when people make comments.”
“I know they think they are giving me a compliment, but it doesn’t feel good.” ~ Mysterious_Luck4674
“NTA. Your friend reminds me of my mother.”
“No matter what good things happen, they have to put a negative spin on things.”
“I bet if you had been the person pointing out how marvelous your friend looks, she would have found a way to shoot you down.”
“She struggles to take a compliment because that is not what she is used to.”
“Downplaying a compliment and needling you is safe ground for her because you are such good friends.” ~ Gnarly_314
“NTA. You respected her boundaries.”
“She’s an adult child.”
“If you want to keep the friendship, sit her down and explain that she set boundaries and you listened and acted the way she asked you to.”
“People’s boundaries can change, but she has to communicate this to you.”
“Let her know you can’t read her mind.”
“You are a good friend and definitely NTA.” ~ amberbundick
“NTA. This is such a tricky situation to navigate, and she told you to stop commenting on her weight loss.”
“I’ve also lost about 75lbs, and people make comments on how I’m too skinny now, look gaunt, and other horrible things.”
“I’m at a healthy BMI weight now and now overweight like I’ve been my entire life.”
“So sometimes I prefer people to stay quiet.” ~ Individual-Ebb-6797
“NTA. You were following her wishes.”
“If she no longer likes something that you’re doing at her specific request it’s her responsibility to speak to you about it.”
“She shouldn’t expect you to read her mind.” ~ SeaShore29
“NTA. She asked you to stop doing something, so as a friend, you respected her wishes and didn’t do the thing again.”
“Now she’s mad because you didn’t do the thing again.”
“Classic ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ with some childish ‘you’re just jealous’ thrown in for good measure.”
“You did nothing wrong.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“NTA. She literally told you that complimenting her on her weight loss discouraged her and caused her to stop and regain all the weight.”
“All you did was respect her stated boundaries.”
“She told you not to compliment her weight loss so you didn’t.”
“She has no right to be angry at you for doing exactly what she wanted you to do.” ~ WhiteKnightPrimal
“NTA. Weight loss can be a very touchy subject.”
“I’ve seen stories from people who got praise for losing weight, then silence as they put it back on, and felt bad about everyone who had praised their weight loss.”
“It’s hard to know what to say or not say.”
“Best to say nothing about a person’s weight has been my takeaway.” ~ LavenderPearlTea
“NTA, especially because you were honoring her request.”
“It’s a damn if you do, damn if you don’t situation.”
“If she keeps commenting, keep telling her you respected her demands that you don’t say anything.”
“She can’t have her cake and eat it too.” ~ mphflame
“Both of my parents have always struggled with their weight, but my dad managed to lose a lot about a decade ago and has managed to largely keep it off. “
“The way he described it, even losing the weight feels like a sort of trauma.”
“He said half the time it almost felt like he was lying about his progress, despite it being a literal physical fact.”
“Like a very confusing version of imposter syndrome.”
“I agree that giving her a little bit of time and maybe trying to discuss it and your problems with how she went about it is probably the best move here.” ~ StevesRune
Reddit is standing with you, OP.
You can’t be expected to be a mind reader.