Content Warning: Mentions of Abuse in Relationships
There are certain signs of disrespect that we don't necessarily recognize as disrespect right away.
After all, it might just be some dirty dishes in the sink, eating some leftovers, or allowing the dog to pee on the living room floor when they weren't let outside enough times. Any of those elements could be accidental, but they could also be indicative of a much bigger problem, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Donut_saga had only been living with her boyfriend for a few months, and it was already a recurring problem that he expected her to cook for him, and he always ate the leftovers, even when something was specifically marked for her.
After the latest incident of eating her leftovers, which she'd saved for after a long work day, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure the relationship could work if serious changes were not made.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by considering breaking up with my boyfriend over him eating my leftovers?"
The OP had a pretty imbalanced relationship with her boyfriend, especially when it came to food.
"My boyfriend (28 Male) keeps eating my (27 Female) leftovers, even when he has his own or when I've made him his own food."
"He doesn't cook, so I cook for him any time he asks or says he's hungry. If I can't, for whatever reason, we order out."
"For the record, he moved in a few months ago, and he's already eaten specifically my food four times. That sounds petty, but I think even the second time was disrespectful, because it wasn't a mistake or misunderstanding anymore. I've been very clear each time that it's my foot, and he keeps doing it."
"In addition to the cooking, I also do most of the chores. He takes out the trash and usually folds the laundry, though I usually have to ask him for several days before he'll fold it or put it away."
When her boyfriend took her latest leftovers, the OP felt this might be indicative of a bigger problem.
"The last time he ate my food happened (last night), it was a meal that he ate his entire portion of, and I couldn't, so I saved mine for later."
"This particular food is my favorite food, and even though I split the meal with him, I paid for it fully."
"He did ask me if he could eat it... but while I was at work and busy. He even said, as I'm in the middle of a huge rush and can't answer, 'If you don't respond soon enough, I'm just going to eat it.'"
"Mind you, I'd already made it clear that those leftovers were mine, and yet he was asking again."
"Also mind you, these weren't the only leftovers in the fridge. We went out with his family the other day and brought home at least five containers of leftovers. Yet, of all the food, he specifically ate mine."
"If this were a one-time incident, I would still be upset, but not like this."
"He has done this other times and with food that I got while out with friends that was VERY expensive, or even food that I made for myself because he was at work and VERY often gets treated to lunch by his employer."
The OP didn't understand why this was such a big problem for her boyfriend.
"At this point, I am just baffled, because even roommates I've had do not do this."
"I've tried being nice and understanding about it every other time before, but this was the last straw, and I actually yelled at him this time."
"This was like my favorite menu item of my favorite type of food, which I was so excited to have for dinner after I just got off work at 12:30 AM."
"On top of that, because I didn't get off until after 12:30, he was already asleep in bed, so he BARELY woke up while I yelled at him, and then he just rolled over and went back to bed while I packed an overnight bag to stay at a friend's place."
"We have been arguing all day back and forth over text, because he's saying I'm overreacting over 'some noodles' and doesn't understand why I'm so p**sed."
The OP wasn't sure she wanted to continue the relationship unless serious changes were made.
"It's not really even the food I'm mad about at this point, though; it's the blatant disrespect and disregard for my things and for my feelings."
"Even if we don't break up, I'm seriously considering making him get his own separate fridge or something."
"I've also been considering not cooking for him anymore. He can figure it out or order out. I have a mini fridge I've been carrying around since college, so I could cook MY OWN food, lock it away, and leave him to fend for himself until he figures it out."
"Is there an overreaction here on my part? I feel torn about whether I'm even right to be this angry."
"I truly need you to understand, this was the straw; I know it's small, but there were too many times beforehand."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed that this wasn't about food but a lack of respect and boundaries.
"NOR. That kind of behaviour signals a general lack of respect and care for you that will absolutely extend into other areas of your life." - idoze
"This is a disrespect to you, your time, and your money, and he’s showing no willingness to change. I believe there is some callousness here and there will be new things pop up as time goes on, like 'accidentally' destroying your stuff, etc." - Ghostly_Riding
"NOR. It's not about food. It's about respecting you."
"The worst part is, he has other options. He CAN cook, but he chooses not to. There were OTHER leftovers, what a privilege!, and yet, he purposefully chooses to eat your food instead."
"This may be a power play move, something he's doing to spite you, etc. But whatever the reason for it, if I were in your shoes, I'd do the same. It will only get worse." - peaches9057
"I personally don’t think you’re overreacting; it’s a respect thing."
"It’s literally, 'Do you respect my wishes and consider what I want and what’s best for me?' kind of thing. I’d be p**sed too, no doubt. It’s not that hard to not take someone else’s stuff, and he is showing repeatedly that he is more worried about what he wants and doesn’t really care what is best for you."
"In some ways, he’s treating you the way a child would treat their mother; his attitude is all about ultimately him getting what he wants because you’ll just always accept it and do what HE wants."
"Draw the line in the sand, he can grow up or get the f**k out."
"I LOVE leftovers, so I probably wouldn’t have lasted as long as you did. My response would be, 'Don’t touch my leftovers, or there will be a problem.'" - Neonrocket1984
"NOR. I have five siblings, and we are eight years apart from youngest to oldest, so we were all close in age and all home together."
"My mom would go to the grocery store, and one of the things she would get was two six-packs of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. And we got two each."
"They weren’t locked up. They sat in the pantry. And not ONE TIME did ANY of us take a Reese’s that wasn’t ours or given to us by another sibling (I would often get one of my oldest sister’s because she was on a 'diet,' my younger sister would usually get the other one)."
"We were CHILDREN. The pantry wasn’t locked. This was the 1970s, so there were no WiFi cameras watching. We were ages six to fourteen. If we could manage that, I think a growna** man can."
"NOR again. Please prioritize yourself." - nerdit1000
Others tried to hype the OP and help her understand that she deserved better than this, especially from a boyfriend.
"He's old enough not to be such a manchild. Girl, you can do better. Partners are supposed to elevate your life, not stress you out like this." - Affectionate_Wind_36
"Anyone CAN cook. Maybe their speciality is a sandwich, salad, or warming up microwave dinners to the PERFECT temperature, but they can cook... something."
"When they use their partner like this, and then take away the one meal in the fridge that would bring them joy AFTER they already provided and worked (so financially provided, too) that day, that's weaponized incompetence, disrespect, and just not a partner at all. You deserve better, OP." - Longjumping-Home-4000
"This man is weaponizing food, resources, and labor as a way to dominate and control you."
"You spend your money buying food, you spend your time and energy making meals, but you aren't allowed to have and enjoy the food you've made. You also don't get to rest and enjoy your leftovers. You have to cook again the next day because your food is gone."
"He's treating you like a maid or servant. You only get to eat what he doesn't want, and he can take whatever he wants."
"Of course it's disrespectful."
"It's also a pattern that shows up again and again. The boyfriend who went to Thanksgiving and ate the entire effing turkey. The guy who got violent when his girlfriend started locking her food up because he'd leave nothing for her to eat."
"The women who meal prep for a WEEK only to have a man eat it all in less than two days because it's THERE. The men who eat their wife's or girlfriend's birthday cake without them."
"The leftovers that were deliberately and carefully saved only for a man to say, 'Oh, did you want that? How would I know you were going to eat that?' and 'I know you already said no, but I'm asking again while you're busy, and if you don't hurry up and tell me, I'm just going to eat it.'" - Autumn_Falls0131
"NOR. If he doesn't cook, how else does he help support the housework and labor division at home?"
"Women in relationships with men need to stop excusing their s**tty behavior when it comes to uneven housework and labor division. Men should be cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and all other housework chores in equal amounts."
"Do you want to have a partner who needs to be parented like a child? If not, then don't put up with this behaviour from the beginning."
"Also NOR for wanting to break up with him. He doesn't respect you and doesn't seem to care or put forethought into your feelings and how his actions will make you feel. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone like that." - Syralei
"Food can be such an emotional thing, but at the end of the day, it's not even about that."
"I had an ex who was emotionally manipulative, sexually abusive, and just an all-around s**tty partner. But it was food that finally caused me to lose all remnants of loving feelings for him."
"We had moved across the country for school, and my dad visited and cooked me a huge portion of lasagna (his speciality, which our family has every Christmas Eve). We portioned it out and froze it, so I could have some whenever I felt homesick."
"I chipped away at it, but I specifically marked one portion as, 'DO NOT EAT! XMAS ONLY.'"
"He ate the last two portions, including the Christmas one. I knew then he didn't give a s**t about me or my feelings."
"There was a happy ending, though. I dumped him and spent the holidays with my family, so I got to eat lasagna after all."
"Dump this manchild, OP, and go get those celebratory noodles."
"No one deserves to be with someone who blithely makes you cry over leftovers." - Leagle_Egal
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a very brief update.
"Thank you for all the advice and support."
"I will think hard on how exactly I need to have this conversation and see if it's even possible to fix this."
"I will try to update when I figure out the game plan."
Despite all the feedback on the subreddit, it seems the OP might still try to make the relationship work before moving on.
No matter what she chooses to do, it's clear this is a disrespect-and-boundary-pushing problem, not an actual food problem, and she'll likely soon find that healthy relationships and disrespect are like oil and water: they just don't mix.
Markus Spiske on Unsplash 
