Redditor Upset After Learning They're Paying Half Of Girlfriend's Parents' Mortgage When Her Parents Pay Nothing

Living with in-laws isn't always easy.

But times are tough.

People have to figure out how to save money.

But what if certain living situations are costing more than they're saving?

Redditor pieceofpower found themself in a personal dilemma regarding their rent situation, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.

Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.

They asked:

""AITAH To Challenge My Gfs Asian Family Culture?

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I will try my best to frame this reasonably without favoring myself and attempt objectivity."

"My G[irl]F[riend] and I live with her parents and her brother+wife+child in a large house in the undisputed most expensive housing market in America."

"I/she have been given very little clarity about the reality of the mortgage/utilities, and in a moment of frustration, I voiced my concerns in front of the entire house."

"My questions were answered honestly about how much the mortgage+property tax + utilities, but I was immediately thrown off as I realized that two things were true..."

"1- My GF and I are paying nearly half of all household bills for a small room in the house."

"2- Combine our payments with her brother's rent, and that is the entire mortgage+utility+prop. tax."

"Her parents are literally paying nothing towards the mortgage and all other common bills."

"They are both working and make good money, so this isn't a fixed-income situation."

"I proceeded in the same conversation to ask where their household contribution was, and her father and mother both immediately stated the following..."

"That's the way it is."

"Why would we need to contribute?"

"This is the culture."

"This is how it is."

"Don't push this."

"The conversation devolved into a lot of storming away on the father's part and crying on the mother's part, even though I remained calm and continued to state: 'I'm just trying to get information and understand.'"

"I recognize that these responses are manipulative in nature and tried to look past them while holding firm."

"Eventually, the mother told me that we were expected to pay for her debts accrued in raising my GF and her brother and that that is the cultural (Filipino) norm."

"I personally feel, regardless of culture, this is using your children to line your own pockets and simultaneously sap them from having any possibility of saving for their own future."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So... AITAH"

Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.

"Move." ~ Top-Bit85

"I second that."

"I understand how you're feeling about all of this, but no one is forcing you (or her) to be a part of it."

"If she refuses to leave out of guilt for not fulfilling her family obligations, then the two of you have something more important to talk about."

"Best of luck." ~ xinj131

"This. My husband was all 'this is unfair,' and we moved out for all of two years before he realized that yes, we paid the bills, but it was still cheaper than living on our own, and we didn't have to deal with apartment living or rude neighbors."

"We moved back in at year four of our marriage and lived there until year eight, when we finally bought our own place."

"My brother and his gf lived there for 8 years too, moved out only this year." ~ PassionFruitSalute

"Yeah, I second this."

"In the beginning, when my wife moved into 'our family house,' my parents insisted I start contributing financially as if the expenses from my wife suddenly cost more."

"But eventually the expenses kept climbing."

"I was expected to pay a fixed amount."

"And pay for most expenses like taking turns in groceries, misc grocery runs, new appliances, etc."

"But for some reason, no peace was obtained. We eventually moved out when they were moving out."

"And realized it was cheaper to stay on our own."

"Our groceries last forever, and we are free to live our lives in peace." ~ phantom_warrior1990

"I had an ex whose family was very big on filial piety."

"His granddad was a mean drunk, and people just let him be because he was granddad."

"He tried to take my wine glass at dinner once when he'd already embarrassed us in front of the whole restaurant (he'd had several glasses already and I'd not touched mine yet)."

"I moved it to the other side of my plate instead, and he went off like a rocket to the moon."

"I told him he was too old to be a whiny little brat and he should be ashamed of himself, before leaving (paid my bill)."

"The ex told me I needed to apologize to the whole family."

"Nope." ~ Beth21286

"OP needs to figure out how what he's paying compares to area rental payments."

"If it's an expensive area and they're giving up rental income, that should factor in."

"And if he does move, he doesn't get to see the new landlord's budget." ~ Supposed_too

"Homegrown Filipino here, well aware of this cultural 'norm,' and I’m telling you to MOVE OUT."

"This is the same toxic bullshit that needs to go."

"If my kids care for us once were old and ill, make sure it's due to them wanting to do it and not because they were forced to."

"We raised them, spent money, etc., not because we expected them to pay us back. It’s because we decided to have them, and were responsible for caring for them." ~ Epicjaps

"Yeah, I wouldn't bother arguing... this is deeply embedded in their belief system."

"You're not going to win that argument."

"I say it's time you find yourself a house to call your own."

"By the sounds of it, with your two combined incomes, you should be able to find a decent house."

"Best of luck." ~ RUObsessed8

"This was a conversation to be had before moving in."

"First with the girlfriend and then clarity from the parents if needed."

"Now you feel bamboozled, they feel offended, your girlfriend probably feels caught between everyone, and those feelings can linger."

"Now that you know, you can only decide what is right for you."

"Can you live with it without resentment?"

"If not, you need to move, and don't guilt-trip your girlfriend because the parents will do that to her, too."

"Good luck." ~ BullyBreed_RescueMom

"Seriously, your only power move is to move out."

"If your GF doesn’t agree to move, then move alone, and she will probably follow you soon enough if they ask her to pay whatever you were paying."

"It’s pointless for you to ask us who the AH is because it’s not gonna change the fact that it is their house = their rules."

"Worst case scenario, just move back home to your parents’ house until you have enough money saved up to get your own place." ~ lndlml

"So you live in the most expensive housing market in the USA."

"Probably someplace like San Francisco."

"What is the rent of a studio apartment in relation to what you're paying monthly at your GF's parents' house?"

"Keep in mind you need to add the cost of utilities and groceries."

"If the amounts are comparable, move out."

"If you're getting a deal, then keep it moving and save aggressively for your own home."

"You also have the choice of moving to a lower cost area, though you'll probably earn less." ~ creatively_inclined

"It doesn’t matter if it’s coming from culture or narcissistic parenting."

"I lived in a household with this attitude for a couple of decades, and you’re not going to change it."

"But you will make yourself sick, depressed, and miserable."

"It’s literally you or them."

"Pick you. Now."

"Before you waste your life."

"I’m sure you care about your GF."

"I’m sure she’s a lovely girl. I’m not sure you can change her deeply embedded programming."

"She’ll either agree and come with you, or she won’t."

"You still have to pick you. NTA."

"But not responsible for their expenses and not capable of changing their system. "

"Pick your battles; you will not win here."

"Go. Go. Go:" ~ Busy-Character9219

"NTA, but this isn’t Filipino culture."

"I have a Filipina aunt by marriage, and am very familiar with her extended family."

"None of them treats their kids this way."

"I also know many Filipinos, and they only give their parents money if they still live back there."

"To be honest, I thought GF’s family was either Chinese or Indian until the note at the end, since this is something seen in those cultures a lot."

"But this is also commonly used as a narcissistic parenting technique, no matter the culture."

“'I spent so much time and money raising you, you need to pay me back.'”

"The parents never tend to typically care if their child replies with, 'You know I didn’t ask to be born, right?'”

"Basically, your GF had been brainwashed to believe this is normal."

"You need to move out, with or without her." ~ Carouselcolours

"NTA. Move out."

"I'm assuming your/her names aren't anywhere on the property deed, so who's set to inherit it?"

"Your GF isn't building equity, and the parents could leave the whole house to her brother, which means you will have bought him a house." ~ Rabt_FTS

Reddit feels your frustration, OP.

It may be time to make a move.

Don't be swindled.

Good Luck.