Feeling helpless is a difficult position to be in. Actually being helpless is worse.
When it comes to serious illnesses like cancer, most patients and their loved ones are mostly helpless to really impact the outcome.
A person's cancer either responds to treatment, or it doesn't. When faced with mortality, it's easy to lash out over unrelated situations that can be controlled, to combat the feeling of helplessness.
When one family member is fighting a serious illness, there's often a lot of collateral damage.
A teenager turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after getting strafed over a decision he made.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
CorryNunya asked:
"AITAH for staying behind when my stepfamily moved for my stepbrother's cancer treatments?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My dad married Nula 3 years ago. I (18, male) was dad's only child and Nula had three kids Josh (18, male), Kaitlynn (14, female) and Rory (11, male). We all get along fine, but last summer there was a fight and a decision I made is something they're not really over."
"Rory was diagnosed with cancer in May of last year and the hospital he was first going to suggested a specialist hospital in another state. Because of how long the treatment plan for Rory was, my dad and Nula decided we should move so our stepfamily wouldn't be separated for long periods of time."
"Since I was about to start my senior year of high school and because all my close family are here, I didn't want to move and I asked my grandparents if I could live with them. They said yes and we talked to dad."
"He told me he wasn't okay leaving me behind like that. I told him it was better for my education and for me personally if I could stay and I told him I would probably move back once I turned 18 that November anyway."
"My dad was like, 'so you wouldn't stay the year and would rather risk your education more by moving after senior year had started than doing senior year somewhere else'. I said yes. My dad gave in because he didn't like the idea of me moving mid year, but he hated it."
"Nula told me Josh was moving before his senior year too and that he wasn't complaining about it. I told her Josh and I weren't the same person and we didn't have the same experiences."
"After the move, dad and I would talk on the phone every few days. I flew out once for a few days and flew back home. Dad was supposed to fly back for my birthday, but it didn't work out."
"I haven't really spoken to the others much. Rory the most, after dad, because he was upset I didn't go with them."
"Nula's pretty much disgusted with me and now dad is expressing more and more frustration with me for not moving. He asked if I would move after graduation and I told him I was planning to stay which added to it."
"The other day on the phone, my dad told me it was just disappointing that I stayed when Josh didn't put up the same fight. He said he knows they're not my bio family and that I'm not close enough to my stepsiblings to see them as just siblings, but he said it would have meant so much if I had stood by them and moved when everyone else did."
"He said it wasn't a move for sh*ts and giggles which is why my decision is so hard to accept."
"AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"Everyone I know who moved their senior year said the same thing about it sucking. Some of them feel like they did worse in school because they moved, and I get it."
"They said it's about standing together through the bad and sticking close together as a family. It's why they decided to move vs Nula going with Rory and everyone else staying here until they come back."
"I get that maybe they were hoping we would all be as willing and eager to go, but I wanted to make the best decision for me."
"It would have been great to have my dad's support. I know explaining that I would just move back after I turned 18 probably bothered him a lot and made him feel like I was forcing his hand, but I figured it was better to be honest."
"The whole thing would have gone way better if he'd been more understanding and, like some of you said, had my back with my stepfamily."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to put his own best interests first (NTA).
"Josh is related to Rory and has to follow his mom until he turned 18. You've known Rory for around 3 years and your bio family would be left behind if you moved with your stepfamily. NTA." ~ Happyweekend69
"NTA. I feel for your stepbrother and stepmum/siblings. What they're going through right now is difficult and horrible, but how would you moving with them make much difference?"
"You were supposed to upend your education, move away from friends and family, for what? To sit in waiting rooms? To take over household responsibilities such as cooking and cleaning? The other stepsiblings are old enough to look after themselves."
"You can offer support by visiting, calling, texting." ~ Fioreborn
"So the two adults, that are both divorced and remarried, want you to stick with the newly formed family of three years, but walk away from everyone else in your family you’ve had since birth? Yeah that makes sense."
"Everyone is upset about an 11-year-old boy having cancer. It’s easier to vent their frustration at you for making a decision than it is to be angry at something that no one can control—cancer." ~ TheCa11ousBitch
"If Nula wants all the family's time and energy going into this, it's her choice. She has the ability to demand her kids move. You aren't her kid. You have known her for three years. She doesn't get to decide to uproot your life so she can make it look like your family is closer than it is." ~ Viperbunny
"NTA. Honestly, the way your dad and his new family has been acting is incredibly selfish. Yes, it’s horrible that Rory has cancer, but you are a whole person who has built a life where you are and staying there, with your friends, in your school, with extended family, is absolutely what made sense for you and the guilt trip they are putting on you is super unfair."
"I would say that the way your father and stepfamily have been treating you for wanting to finish out your last year of school in the place you’ve always been is truly sh*tty. They should understand why it’s best for you to stay and support you."
"Instead they’re sowing division. Your dad SHOULD’VE supported your decision and backed you to his new family. The distance between you and your stepsiblings, and stepmom, is there because your Dad (who should’ve had your back) chose to not support you the way a father should." ~ PanicAtTheGaslight
"And very stupid of the dad to continue the pressure campaign. How much time is left in the school year,serinmcdaniel months, weeks? This is not a decision that can be changed. It's childish of the dad to cry over spilled milk." ~ serinmcdaniel
"NTA. It’s a sucky situation all around, but you’re an adult now and you shouldn’t have to uproot your entire life and senior year for a stepfamily you’ve only known for three years. It’s unfair for your dad to compare you to Josh; Josh is moving for his biological brother, so of course his motivation is different."
"You stayed for your education and your own support system, which is actually the responsible move for your future. Your dad is likely just projecting his stress and guilt onto you because Rory is sick, but that doesn't mean you made the wrong choice for your own life." ~ lea_mchnd69
"OP is the only honest operator here. Both dad and Nula know and acknowledge that these are OP’s stepsiblings of only 3 years and yet they want him to act like they’re his real family and make real sibling sacrifices."
"It’s unreasonable and unrealistic. To OP, they’re just a bunch of people who moved into his home 3 years ago. He might like them, but that’s not the same as a family he grew up with. There’s a gap there he’s willing to acknowledge and they’re just being obtuse to. That obtuseness is why they compare him to Josh, which is a ridiculous comparison."
"That factor aside, even if they were his bio siblings, why would they move him if he has alternatives and the alternative was better for him? He has a chance to finish his education in an environment he is familiar with and that’s good for his future, so even in a bio family, this would be a sound decision."
"The dad’s reaction to his decision to separate from the family for college tells me he never intended OP to leave the family, otherwise why treat it as a 'threat'?"
"I’m glad OP has a good head on his shoulders and he’s choosing himself, because the adults are just trying to use him as a prop in their blended family fantasy." ~ Misommar1246
It's a sad situation when a child is dick, but no part of that is OP's fault. The fact the adults are trying to guilt him for doing what's best for himself just proves letting them leave without him was the best choice for OP.
