Hoarding is a serious concern.
It can seep into so many aspects of life and destroy relationships.
Trying to help hoarder parents can be an especially heavy burden.
Kids, young and old, sometimes just can't deal.
Redditor Disastrous-digging wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to cook for my mom after she let a friend reorganize the kitchen while I was out of town? TW: hoarding."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m living with my mother after my father died recently."
"The house has severe hoarding issues, and for the past year, I’ve been trying to make it livable again."
"I haven’t lived in the state for 30 years, visited once a decade due to the hoarding."
"The kitchen became 'my' space because I’m the only one who cooks."
"When I got back here last year, it was horrifying: sticky grime coating cabinets and counters, fruit flies stuck to the walls, a stove covered in inches of burnt grease, and piles of boxes, cookware, mail, and trash everywhere."
"I rented a $400 dumpster FOUR times, I replaced rotted drawer pulls, cleaned out expired food, dismantled and scrubbed the fridge, organized cabinets, cookware, utensils, everything."
"The only reason the kitchen became remotely presentable was because of the work I put into it."
"An old coworker/friend offered to help clean the house."
"I was NOT against help."
"I actually appreciated it."
"But I repeatedly said I wanted to be there if anyone touched the kitchen because I had systems set up, and it would stress me out to have everything moved around."
"The day before I flew home from a trip, I was happily talking to my mom about cooking healthy meals for us."
"She’s on Wegovy, and I wanted to help her eat better."
"I specifically begged her: please just work on your bedroom and wait until I’m home before touching the kitchen."
"Instead, the DAY I was flying home, she invited the friend over anyway, and they completely reorganized the kitchen without me there."
"They pulled things out of cabinets, moved food and cookware, stuffed items into tote bags, and piled things onto the living room floor."
"Basically, they turned the room upside down."
"When I called from the airport, upset (not yelling or crying), my mom acted like I was overreacting and said she 'just sat there' while the friend did it."
"The friend joked over speakerphone that she 'knew I was a control freak.'”
"What hurts is that my mom absolutely understands this feeling."
"She gets upset if anyone touches or removes things from her own room, even obvious trash."
"I always ask before throwing away her belongings."
"I’ve already removed over 30 trash bags from her room and 36 trash bags from my dad’s room when we had to make space for hospice equipment."
"I’m not angry they cleaned."
"I’m angry they did the exact thing I repeatedly begged them not to do in a space I had spent a year trying to reclaim."
"Now I don’t want to cook for her anymore or clean up messes I didn’t make."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. It sounds like your mom was using the kitchen as a redirection for the friend offering to help, letting her loose on a space your mom isn’t personally attached to."
"I’m sorry." ~ lelawes
"Sounds like you’ve hit the nail on the head."
"It was a way to please the friend by accepting help while also protecting her hoard from being messed with, and exerting control on the daughter as well. NTA OP." ~ Hailstar07
"NTA, wouldn't surprise me if she did it specifically because you said not to." ~ GregTheTerrible
"Your mother may want you to live with her, but is this a healthy place for you to be?"
"I would strongly consider moving back out as soon as you can."
"Don't let grief or guilt or whatever it is keep you in a living situation that is bad for you."
"It's hard to see how this could be good for you, mentally or physically." ~ graceful_platypus
"Your mother sounds mean."
"Who would say something like that to a toddler?"
"And it sounds like she's going to keep doing stuff to make you mad or unhappy deliberately."
"If I were you, I'd move out and maybe far away." ~ PinkPandaHumor
"NTA - you are effectively confirming she did this to disorient you."
"OP, you need to move on and create space for yourself for your own good."
"Maybe drop off the meals to your mother weekly and then completely disengage, otherwise you will get caught up in her dynamic and your mental health WILL suffer."
"Deep down, you know she got her friend to do this to pull the literal rug from beneath you."
"Create some distance and protect your peace."
"She does not deserve to send you into the chasm she has chosen to inhabit herself." ~ Bluebells7788
"NTA, but I’d reconsider continuing to live there."
"There isn’t really any effective comeback; your mom and her friend have clearly shown that they don’t care about what you wanted, and I agree with the comment above that your mom probably used it to redirect attention away from her own issues."
"Your choice is either to let it go or move out; any retaliatory action will just create a more toxic living environment for you." ~ Living-Ad8963
"NTA. What is happening here is power and control."
"Specifically, your mother wants you to understand that you cannot have boundaries, you do not deserve her respect, and even if it means causing herself distress or stress, it’s worth it as long as she has put you in your place."
"Everything you have done to 'help' has felt like a violation to her, and now she has had a chance to retaliate, and she couldn’t wait."
"She will never change."
"You cannot communicate why you are upset and expect an apology."
"She knows why you are upset."
"You being upset was always the only goal she had."
"I hope you take this experience to heart and stop wasting your time in this dynamic, but this is how you were raised, and it’s always very difficult to successfully break from that pattern.
"Good luck." ~ MiloTheMagnificent
"NTA, I would be livid."
"Please make plans to reclaim your own life."
"Maybe I am terrible, but I can't see how much more you can do for her."
"You have helped her so much already; she clearly doesn't have enough appreciation for what you've done."
"Why spend your life under these terrible conditions anymore?"
"You deserve your own life, peace, happiness." ~ PlantyPenPerson
"Hoarding is a severe mental health issue."
"You need some counseling support to get through this, or you might be broken by the environment and the behaviors, lack of insights."
"Counseling for you and hoarding counseling for mum."
"Don’t try continuing on your own. It’s very complex with deep and misaligned feelings."
"Best of luck, self-care and support essential." ~ New-Cow9801
"NTA. I understand your anger."
"It was disrespectful what they did - especially considering your mother should understand this."
"Maybe say this to her, then rearrange the kitchen back to the way you want - if anything, the work will distract you from that pis*ed-off feeling you have." ~ Amaedar
"NTA. With your mention of Tote bags, it sounds like with you out of the picture, Mum took the opportunity to start trying to revert the kitchen into a hoard site again, and that, rather than the friend allegedly dropping by and rearranging things, was why everything had been pulled apart, and shoved into strange places."
"Part of your fear, and reaction of frustration and anger, will be your realization that the moment you stop holding back the hoard, it starts invading your space all over again."
"Do you have a choice about where you live?"
"If you do, it may be better for your mental well-being not to live with your Mom, even though you want to protect her against her hoarding, you know you can't."
"Only she can do that, and only if she is willing and able to accept professional help."
"If you have no choice, then you will face this every time you go away, and may need to find a different way to carve out a safe space within the hoard. NTA." ~ Cautious-Job8683
"NTA. Although you haven’t given any context on either why the colleague offered help, or why your mum accepted it."
"If she is the one with the hoarding tendencies (rather than your dad), then I don’t understand why she’d accept the help - as you say, there’s resistance to other people touching their hoards."
"I’m guessing it was easier for her to let the colleague touch the already-processed kitchen, because she’s dealt with that part of the hoard."
"She basically cheated and didn’t face her own hoard." ~ amberallday
"NTA, but don't do this to yourself."
"Your mother might say she wants you living there, but she's unable to manage what is obviously a mental illness."
"It might be beyond her, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice everything trying to save her."
"A good parent wouldn't want you to."
"If she refuses to get professional help or refuses to cooperate with said help, she'll only drag you down with her. By the time she's gone, and you actually inherit the house, it will be ruined anyway, as will your health." ~ Ok_Homework_7621
This is a messy situation, OP.
Reddit understands your frustration.
This may require professional help.
You don't have to be alone or be a superhero.
Good Luck.
