Being frugal means being intentional with money and resources, spending carefully to avoid waste, while still prioritizing what matters. Frugality isn't about deprivation or always choosing the absolute lowest priced items.
Being frugal is about maximizing value to achieve short and long-term goals. Defining those goals and deciding when to scrimp and when to splurge is something the adults in a household should decide on together. Then be prepared to defend their choices from friends and family, because opinions are like...
A wife turned to the "Am I Overreacting" (AIO) subReddit for feedback after clashing with her mother-in-law or frugality.
AIO is a "subReddit to help figure out if you overreacted to something, or if you were justified."
Competitive-Dust9851 asked:
"AIO for banning my mother-in-Law from our home after I found out she’s been 'auditing' our trash to prove I’m a 'wasteful' wife?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, female) have been married to 'David' (31, male) for two years. His mother, 'Linda', has always been 'frugal' (her words) or 'obsessive' (mine). She grew up with nothing, so I tried to be patient, but things reached a breaking point yesterday."
"I noticed that every time Linda visits, she spends an unusual amount of time in the garage near the bin area. I thought she was just being helpful with the recycling. Yesterday, I came home early from work and caught her with a pair of gloves, literally spreading our kitchen trash out on a tarp."
"She had a notebook. She was documenting things like:"
"Half-eaten containers of leftovers."
"'Perfectly good' vegetable scraps that weren't composted."
"The brand of paper towels I buy (she thinks they’re too expensive)."
"A pair of David’s socks that had a small hole that I threw away instead of darning."
"When I confronted her, she didn't even look ashamed. She told me she’s compiling a 'financial intervention report' for David to show him that I am 'bleeding his future dry' with my 'extravagant' lifestyle. For context, I work full-time and make more than David."
"I lost it. I told her to get out and that she is banned from our house until she gets professional help. David came home and is now saying I’m 'overreacting to an old woman's quirk.' He says she’s just 'anxious about his security' and that banning his mother over 'looking at garbage' is cruel and 'nuclear'."
"He wants me to apologize so we can have Sunday dinner. I told him if she steps foot on our property, I’m staying at a hotel. He says I'm being 'manic' and 'controlling'."
"AIO, or is this a massive violation of privacy?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AIO voting acronyms:
- NOR - Not OverReacting
- YOR - You OverReacted
- MOR - Maybe OverReacting
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not overreacting (NOR).
"NOR, but your bigger problem is your husband. Why does he care more about how his mother feelings than yours‽‽‽ If you don’t nip this in the bud now, this will be your future. And you better not go to Sunday dinner." ~ Careless_Welder_4048
"The trash is weird, but his refusal to have your back is the real issue. He's choosing her surveillance over your peace." ~ Separate-Set8710
"So David wants you to apologize for being upset that his mom dumped your household trash on your floor and then did a report on it????"
"I would have asked my MIL to leave as well."
"David is wrong....and needs to tell Linda how much her insane behavior and inability to mind her own damn business disturbed you." ~ ImaginationNo7722
"Not only that, but she is only doing it to show that OP is a bad wife!" ~ PreparationPlus9735
"I think everyone who isn't a lunatic would feel the same way. David is a lunatic like his mom." ~ Punkpallas
"NOR. If both you and David were at work, how did your MIL get in the house? If she has a key, you need to change your locks. If you change your locks, make it very clear to your husband that his mother is not to have a key to the house. She has absolutely no reason to be there when her son is not there."
"Your bigger problem is your husband. You need to set these boundaries hard and now with him and tell him they are non-negotiable and you expect him to have your back."
"Good luck, unfortunately, I think you’re really going to need it." ~ seaturtle541
"NOR. By the way, does mommy know you out-earn Sonny Boy? You need to tell her that, too." ~ jonwar5
"I'm no lawman, but isn't going through other people's trash while it's still on their property pretty illegal in the States? My MIL is a bit nutty, but at least my husband is more annoyed by her than I am."
"If this happened in our family, it would be a scandal gossiped about for weeks. Rightfully so. If my husband took his mum's side, it would be marriage counselling and a demand to change his ways or I would be so out." ~ tonksndante
"Do not procreate with this man." ~ KombuchaBot
"What in the actual hell, David‽‽ Tell David The Internet said he needs to get his mom an intervention immediately because that's wild."
"NOR. Do better, David!" ~ OrizaRayne
The responses included several Schitt's Creek GIFs as Redditors went in on David.
~ 4SureMaybe_4SureNot Giphy
"David, David, David…..you know you are wrong. David, I think it’s time to reevaluate some dynamics here. It’s really important that you support your wife and prioritize your relationship."
"It’s time to stop being a mommy's boy. You need to prioritize your wife and support her."
"Enabling your mother isn’t helping her or your relationship. It’s important to encourage her to seek the help she needs and to stand by your wife." ~ Who_Am_I_1978
"Ew, David! NOR That’s insane! Like clinically. Please call a wellness check on her. I assume she’s a hoarder and could benefit from some inpatient therapy." ~ overZealousAzalea
"Who the F audits trash‽‽" ~ little_astronaut_k
"David's Mum, obviously! NOR. Absolutely crazy." ~ Keepuptheworkforyou
~ overZealousAzalea Giphy
"Apparently mommy thinks little Davey can do better but we all know he can't cuz he has mommy in his back pocket making his decisions for him." ~ Acrobatic_Ad5722
"David is a mama's widdle man dressed up as an adult. Grow up and cut the apron strings, David!" ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"People with scarcity trauma usually do stuff like this. My granddad used to do it with wine and beer bottles when we were growing up. He would monitor how much we’d drink because he didn’t have anything growing up in a village. Also, control freaks do it." ~ Better-Park8752
"This is just on another level. Boundaries need to be set. David needs to talk to his mommy because this is so weird and so unfair to you. Personally, I'd feel so violated. NOR." ~ little_astronaut_k
"Gustavus Swift audited the trash at his business. He hated waste, so he looked at everything. They started making soap from the rendering of his meat packing factories."
"He hated to see a pencil that wasn't fully used. He was extremely wealthy, but his obsession was not wasting things. I agree with him, but don't practice it. I throw out way too much."
"Somewhere in between me and OP's MIL lies a healthy compromise. I think OP might be closer to where the proper level of frugality lies." ~ Beginning_Tap2474
"NOR… tell David to tell his mother that he is sucking your financial future because you actually make more money than he does."
"I would never apologize to her… what she did was gross and a huge invasion of your privacy!" ~ SportySue60
"NOR. Are you sure it was your MIL and not three raccoons in a trench coat? That's trash panda behavior." ~ ShinyAppleScoop
"Hmmm... Tell him, 'David, time to show me a little respect in my own house. And time to join your mummy. You and she are bleeding my finances and future emotional life dry'." ~ withcatlikegrace
"Mummy can teach him how to darn his own damn socks." ~ frolicndetour
"This is the kind of behavior that precedes hoarding, which isn't an old lady quirk, it's a severe mental health issue. This needs nipping in the bud. NOR." ~ DollySheep32
"This behavior can be related to hoarding, but it can also be a mental illness all on its own."
"Hoarding is a serious mental health issue, but your MIL might have a different serious mental health issue. And either she is straight up evil or she has a serious mental health issue." ~ eaca02124
"I have a mother like that. She shuts up for a time, then it slowly builds until I tell her to drop it. If I don't, eventually she will be furious that I bought oranges, because 'do you know we only got oranges for Christmas, if we were lucky!'." ~ HRDBMW
"I once watched my aunt's MIL take a partially peeled orange out of the trash that my aunt had just thrown away (which she saw) because it was shriveled inside. The woman said it was so wasteful, oranges are a treat, so she took it out of the trash and ate it. Was disgusting on several levels." ~ PreparationPlus9735
"NOR but David needs to stay in the hotel not you, why should you leave your home over this let your husband go stay with his frugal quirky mommy if he cares about her feelings so much over his wife’s feelings." ~ Important_Count8954
OP may not have her husband's support, but the internet has her back. Her mother-in-law's behavior is disrespectful and disturbing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp