Our homes can present health hazards in various forms. One is through a lack of cleanliness.
Filth can lead to the growth of molds, mildew, and bacteria that can be hazardous to a person's health. Excessive dust can lead to respiratory infections and illness.
But what if only one person in a household feels the need to keep things clean and tidy?
A teen turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over their father's filth.
EnvironmentOther1464 asked:
"AITA for wearing latex gloves and fighting with my mom because of my dad’s severe lack of hygiene?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 15 years old and having serious problems at home, and I think I'm going crazy. My father has terrible hygiene issues."
"He only showers once a month, uses the same bar of soap for a whole year, doesn't use shampoo, and hangs his dirty, sweaty clothes in his room instead of washing them."
"Because of this, I've developed an excessive preoccupation with hygiene. Right now, I can't touch anything outside my room without wearing latex gloves."
"I usually clean the whole house by myself: I wash the dishes, sweep, mop the floor, wipe down the tables and shelves, etc... (sometimes my mom does it) every three days, but I avoid my parents’ and my brother’s rooms and, of course, the bathrooms, because I don’t dare to do it."
"Just looking at them makes me feel like my head is going to explode, but even when I’m cleaning, he walks in and starts touching everything with his dirty hands (by the way, his method of washing his hands is just with water)."
"Well, my mom cleans it every now and then, but not very often; I think the last time was months ago. The house is clean because I take care of cleaning it myself so I can have some peace of mind, but when he gets home, he makes a mess of it again, so it’s like a never-ending cycle."
"So, to avoid having to clean everything all over again every day and every hour, I’ve started wearing gloves so I don’t get so tired."
"But anyway, lately I’ve been trying to just ignore him; I guess I don’t have a choice."
"The situation has gotten so bad that I only shower once a week because the thought of using the shared bathroom or touching anything he's touched gives me unbearable anxiety."
"I've argued with my mother about this several times. She thinks I'm an idiot for telling him to shower or at least wash his clothes, and she sees it as a total lack of respect towards him."
"She doesn't understand that this environment is making me mentally ill and ruining my daily life. My mother makes me feel like I'm overreacting, but I live in a constant state of stress."
"Am I really the bad guy? Am I exaggerating? Help!"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I may be the idiot because I confronted my father about his hygiene and started wearing latex gloves, which my mother considers a disrespectful, dramatic, and hurtful action that creates tension and judges my parents in their own home."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Hey sweetheart- if you live close to a Planet Fitness, they’re offering free memberships to teenagers for the summer! You could definitely shower there!"
"I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and in the fall when you’re back in school, please talk to your guidance counselor about it. Hopefully they can connect you with some resources!" ~ meghanlindsey531
"Ironically you’re becoming unhygienic being so worried about his hygiene. Keep the shower clean keep yourself clean. He never uses it, so by your logic it shouldn’t be too dirty."
"Also, just wash his clothes while he's not wearing them. Just do it."
"Yes, this enables his behaviour, but it solves your problem." ~ u399566
"Enabling is always seen as bad thing. It isn't when it keeps you sane, when you can cannot escape. Meanwhile, OP, definitely NTA. Daddy's mental issues (and Mommy's) do need addressing obviously, and please keep note of it all in case you need to tell authorities to protect yourself, but don't let him drag you to his level."
"Fifteen, you're old enough to fix some of this. At least enough so you're okay. Ideally your parents would start acting like grownups. It's not going to happen."
"If you don't know how to do the different cleanings, you can literally Google best ways to deal with the cleaning issues. E.g. bicarb of soda sprinkled over carpet or floor, brushed around then vacuumed up, takes the reek with it. Some left either in the carpet or in dish/ container with open lid, out of the way, absorbs more stink."
"If Mommy Useless interferes, and she well may, explain you're not being mean to (possibly) bipolar Dad, (for her to think so isn't rational, but at least you will know, her protection of him means none for you)."
"Instead, you say you're helping them both out by cleaning. You can even lie, say that you're sorry you were laying it all on them, that you hope it's okay if you fix this problem yourself."
"With trying to fix where you live, I would also be looking elsewhere. Are there any relations you could ask for a room till you get through high school? People like your mother and father may think they hide their conditions. They don't. It's not just people who live with them who figure them out. You may find your relations are happy to try to help you."
"No rellies? All Western countries have assistance for kids. Accessing it means proving your parents aren't fit to raise you. Just not showering isn't enough. Are they providing food, shelter and education? Do they continually move so that you cannot access any assistance? Have they taken you out of school? Are they violent to you or each other? Do you have clean clothes to wear? Do you have school supplies?"
"People here will be will be able to point you in the right direction for help in your area. I don't mean tell people where you live, just generally so they can pinpoint exactly where you can get help. Hang in there, don't let your dad get to you, he is literally your mother's problem. In fact that can be your mantra. When one is talking, just say in your head, not my problem, not my responsibility. Repeat and refuse to rise. Much love & best wishes." ~ RongRyt
"NTA. I'd be self reporting to CPS and my school counsellor. You have every right to be so disgusted with that living situation." ~ rasalscan
"That’s f*cking gross and unhealthy. Either you have a complex from his lack of hygiene or your home is unclean and unsafe enough for you to have to wear gloves, in which case you need to speak to a trusted adult and tell them what’s going on in your home. This is not healthy and obviously NTA. You are too young to be dealing with such matters and deserve a clean and healthy life and home." ~ Chyeahhhales
"NTA. Please talk to a counselor at school, a trusted adult, call CPS yourself. This whole situation sounds very unhealthy all the way around." ~ genx21me918
"First off, you are NTA. However this is a larger issue. You need to talk to someone local to you who can help you. You are going to end up with some pretty severe phobias (none of which will be your fault to be clear) because of these habits. they are already affecting your hygiene because you are anxious to be in places you feel are filthy. Without proper intervention for both yourself and your family you are at risk of making this worse."
"I hate to say this when you need real help, but this is above Reddit's pay grade. You need trusted local adults in your area and therapy. But to be clear none of this is your fault. You are right that your dad’s hygiene is affecting you. I just don’t think you have the tools to understand just how much. I’m so sorry." ~ bagofletters
"NTA at all this is really really disgusting and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. If living with other family isn’t an option I’d tell a trusted adult at your school and see what they may be able to do to help you. Although this technically may not be neglect, it’s still really inappropriate for someone your age to be exposed to." ~ affectionate_joint
OP's home sounds like a legitimate mental health hazard. Outside intervention may be required since they have several years left before they can legally leave.
Hopefully they can get into a better situation soon.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp