It's very easy to judge other people who choose to live their lives differently from ours.
For that matter, numerous people look down on those who live their lives differently, not by their own choosing.
Ultimately, though, as long as these people are living happily and not harming others, that's all that matters, and it's important to keep these judgments to ourselves.
Even though that doesn't stop others from letting their opinions be known.
Redditors NoNebula5524's life took an unexpected turn at a very young age.
A turn that also deeply affected the life of the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend, as well as his relationship to his family.
Thankfully, the OP and her boyfriend managed to make a happy life for themselves.
A life that the OP found herself having to unexpectedly defend to her family.
Wondering if she spoke out of turn, the OP took to the subReddit "AM I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my Boyfriends family that I did not have a hard time being a teen mom?"
The OP explained why things got more than a little tense at a recent family gathering:
"So, I'm 22 F[emale], and my boyfriend is 23 M[ale]. We have a 4-year-old. Yes, it was stupid to become teen parents. No, I don't regret it and wouldn't change it for the world. Anyway when I found out i was pregnant my parents were of course a little upset, but all in all ended up being supportive."
"My boyfriend's parents, however, were slightly upset about him being a teen dad, but were more upset that he was becoming the father of a black baby."
"Long story short, we cut them off and agreed his parents would never meet our child."
"Fast forward to now, everyone is happy and healthy, my Boyfriend's other family (an aunt, grandparents, and 3 siblings) do NOT share his parents' beliefs and are wonderful to our child."
"We haven't seen or spoken to his parents."
"Recently, at a cookout, his grandma said, 'Even though (Boyfriend's parents) were wrong for being racist, they weren't wrong for saying your lives would suck being teen parents,' and everyone nodded in agreement and mumbled."
"I spoke up and said, 'Actually, our lives are great; for me, being a teen parent wasn't harder than becoming a parent at any other age'."
"Everyone gasped as I had just claimed I hated Beyoncé, and started whispering, his sister (who was also a teen mom) stood up and spoke about how difficult it was for her, how she never finished school, and how miserable it was, and how she couldn't work etc;"
"The thing about this is she has only seen her kid maybe 6 times in his whole life, he lives with his dad clear on the other side of the country, so all of these things mentioned weren't really because of her having a child."
"I reminded her that I graduated HS early, before I even had my daughter, have had a steady job, had parental support etc."
"And that while I absolutely would never recommend it."
"I truly had one of the best possible outcomes."
"But I did tell her I know that wasn't everyone's experience and im sorry she had a bad one."
"I mentioned nothing surrounding her son or custody."
"Everyone freaked out again."
"She started crying, his grandparents called me cruel, and it was a big fallout."
"Im not seeing how I was wrong here, but please lmk."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You're The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community pretty much unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for defending her life as a teen mother.
Just about everyone agreed that, while being a teen mother or having an unplanned child should not necessarily be encouraged, they had no right to equate the OP's experience to her boyfriend's cousin, and she did the right thing in defending herself:
"NTA."
"Your experience does not lessen or impact what the sister felt or how she acted."- Balance-Kooky
"NTA."
"As you said yourself, not everyone has the same experience, you acknowledge that, but you still have the right to say you didn't have such a hard time."- goldietheswagbear
"NTA."
"Sounds like the sister is starting to struggle with not seeing her child / dealing with questions as to why she isn't involved and is using you in the same boat to justify it."
"Good for you for not putting up with a false narrative."
"I bet you're both great parents."- FrostiePi
"NTA."
"Not everyone’s journey is the same."
"Also, I’m slightly jealous."
"I have 2 amazing kids under 15 and older than 5."
"I’m in my 40’s and I wish I had them earlier just to keep up with them."
"Now I’m trying to get back in shape, so I’m not missing out on helping with sports."- Hanzell85
"NTA."
"What I think is that some people will accept you as long as you agree with their position on something."
"These family members have the position that being a teen parent is ALWAYS bad for the person who is becoming a teen parent."
"You stated the exact opposite of that."
"They don't want to hear it."
"The sister spoke up because she has bought into their position; that's why she can't accept that your experience wasn't the same as hers."
"So they aren't racist, but they do have some other irrational beliefs."- Deep-Okra1461
"How DARE you share your personal experience and it not being what everyone else assumed."
"NTA."- jostrons
"NTA."
"It's the others' problem."- SnooTigers4525
"NTA."
"It sucks when you say something and can’t even understand why it upsets people, and this feels like one of those."
"Why would they be so aghast at you saying your life wasn’t as horrible as they expected it to be."
"They should be glad you had support and stop bringing up the racist parents."- alexjf56
"NTA."
"They (boyfriend's family) are just trying to make themselves feel better about their own sh*tty beliefs."
"They think it's more important to make sure that anyone who becomes a parent at a young age feels punished, that even if they could alleviate some of the problems that come with it, they wouldn't, because being a teen parent has to suck and everyone knows that."
"They do not want to feel like they could have prevented any of his sister's hard times, and his sister does not want her bad experience to look like it could have been anything but."
"They of course think you are cruel for showing them that they are cruel, but even though I'm usually on the side of 'it's better to be nice than to be correct', in this case, you weren't even mean."
"They needed to hear it."- SimSnow
"NTA and that side of the family is still racist, but the kind that just wants to pity you and doesn’t think they are."
"Good for you for defending yourself, and you don’t have to be compared to the other one."- Yoroyo
"NTA."
"They made a statement about how difficult you had it as a result of being so young."
"This was based on stats and assumptions that weren't your actual life experiences."
"You just told the truth."
"You are never wrong, for honesty."
"Yes, already being out of school, having a job, and actually having a head start on taking on responsibilities, in your case, before the baby came, made a huge difference."
"Also, your boyfriend actually being a decent person and jumping in immediately and acting like a dad was a big change to the usual teen mom story."
"It's not your fault that your family member, who is also a teen mom, had a more typical experience."
"Also, it's not your fault she has no custody of her kid and never has had, but uses the baby as a built-in excuse for not being a grown-up and getting a diploma and a job."
"Sometimes people have a grudge or lash out at someone handling things well, or doing good or even being happy."
"That's nothing about the individual being treated rudely, it's about the person acting rudely."
"They have a personal issue they need addressed sometimes and find it easier to get angry at the reminders they need to get their own crap together."- Forward_Nothing5979
There were some, however, who understood where the family of the OP's boyfriend was coming from, even if they still agreed the OP did nothing wrong:
"OP’s post is a particularly complicated one to me."
"I can understand why the SIL would basically feel like OP is rubbing her good fortune in her face."
"But on the other hand, I can see why OP would feel the need to stand up for herself and say, 'I’m actually not a stereotype or a statistic, it’s ok for me to be ok. I don’t have an obligation to suffer because other people have general judgment on teen moms'.”
"Weirdly thinking through that makes me feel like NAH."- fwao
It's a shame that the cousin of the OP's boyfriend had such a hard experience becoming a teen parent, an experience many teen parents share.
Even so, as the OP and her boyfriend were happy in their life, and seemed to be giving their child a loving, happy upbringing, the OP deserved to say so.
Something the rest of the OP's family will hopefully come to accept, without leading to another unfortunate estrangement.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.