According to infertility healthcare providers, egg donation process for a donor involves screening and matching to their recipient, hormone stimulation to stimulate egg development, and a minor surgical retrieval procedure. It typically takes 2 to 3 months from application for donation to recovery of eggs and requires about 6 clinic visits during the final two-week stimulation phase.
Donors for others must be aged 21 to 34, in good physical and mental health, a non-smoker, and have a healthy BMI. People donating for their own personal later use can sidestep some of physical requirements on a case by case basis.
A sibling turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit to ask a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**Hole" (WIBTAH) question for feedback about being a donor gor their sister.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Maneggdonor asked:
"WIBTAH if I don’t donate my eggs to my sister?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This is going to be long, but I feel context is necessary. For background, a few years ago I (27, female-to-male transgender) offered to potentially be a surrogate for my sister (38, female)."
"She’s been having fertility issues for years and really wants to have kids. I told her that I would be open to being a surrogate IF she tried/looked into other options first and IF she couldn’t find a surrogate that worked out for her."
"This was before I came out as trans and was in the midst of hardcore suppression, at the time. I didn’t really want to be pregnant, but I love my sister dearly and would do it for her as a last resort even if it made me uncomfortable."
"After accepting that part of myself and beginning my transition, the idea of pregnancy became more and more unbearable."
"Last year when I was just about to start taking testosterone, I told her because it was a big deal for me. I was so excited to share it with her."
"She asked me how it would work, and when I went to explain the differences between gel and injections she cut me off and said 'no, I mean don’t you have to be off of it for a few months to harvest your eggs?'."
"We never talked about that, not one time was it ever mentioned that I’d offer up my eggs to her for IVF. I was kind of gobsmacked and frankly didn’t know how to respond, so I just said I didn’t know. Retrospectively that was stupid of me."
"Now here’s where it’s biting me in the a**. I’ve been having increasingly worsening health problems over the years (I initially offered surrogacy when I was healthy) and I can no longer be a surrogate for her as the fetus would likely not survive if it even took (that resulted in her lashing out at me, lots of emotions that I don’t hold against her)."
"I have to get a hysterectomy as I’m an extreme cancer risk and have been growing polyps. I also told her about this because it’s my first surgery and I’m scared."
"Again, she immediately brings up harvesting my eggs before my surgery."
"I’m not just a high cancer risk, I’m chronically ill with something I’m still being tested for, I’m in constant increasing pain, and likely got that from my mother as she is experiencing the same thing. I’m not going to share what it is, but it can be hereditary."
"Because of that, I don’t want to pass on my genetics because living like this SUCKS BAD, and I’ve never wanted to have my DNA out there. It’s just not an idea I’m cool with personally."
"She doesn’t care if her child is potentially born with the same thing, and while I agree there’s nothing wrong with being disabled, I can’t imagine knowingly potentially passing this on. She means the world to me and I want her to succeed in having a family, but I just honestly don’t want to."
"I need an outside perspective on this that’s not from my family because I feel horrible about it and like I’m going back on my word. I don’t know how to say no or if I should just do it."
"My sister is pressuring me to donate my eggs to her because I can no longer surrogate but I don’t want to because I am physically unwell and just kinda don’t want to."
"WIBTAH if I said no?"
The OP later added:
"I did have a conversation with her about it last year when my health started declining and tests confirmed something was off. I apologized about the situation, offered to help her look at other ideas about adoption, fostering, alternative surrogates or ivf and it did not go great."
"She’s not a bad person and I don’t think she’s narcissistic at all. But she is VERY anxious, and when she gets anxious her defence mechanism against those feelings is getting angry and it takes a bit for her to sit and work through that. But she does get there eventually and deals with it (it’s something she’s working on)."
"I think the pressure was put on me because she wants as close to a genetic match to her as possible and she feels like she’s out of options. Maybe sitting down with her when we’re both calm and in a good headspace and doing some research together on other options would be better for us both."
"Outside of this, our relationship is great, she’s honestly one of my closest friends! Outside of the situation she’s been fully supportive of not only my transition but my health problems and deeply caring. She’s a fantastic sister in every other aspect aside from this."
"I’m guessing from what I know about her that she’s so hyper focused and anxious about having kids that it became an all consuming thing in that regard. Especially since her doctors really stressed her ‘biological clock’. A part worth mentioning is that I had brought up fostering, adoption, and other donors, but she really wants her future kids to be as close to her as biologically possible which is probably just making that anxiety around things worse for her."
"She is a genuinely good woman and going through a very hard time emotionally right now. She was in therapy for a while, but I’m not sure if that’s still going on but it’s worth bringing up."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP would not be wrong to change their mind for any reason, let alone the very compelling ones they have.
"YWNBTA. There are all kinds of egg donors your sister can get that would have a much lower risk of your family’s inherited condition. You also have absolutely no reason to subject yourself to additional pain on top of your actual necessary procedures." ~ ShakenOatMilkExpress
"This is likely a moot disagreement because only an unethical provider would allow you to be a donor. Minimum requirements for secondary donors are 'age 21 to 34, good physical and mental health, non-smoker, and a healthy BMI.' Donors have to pass psychological assessment, too."
"Your poor health and fear and unwillingness to do this should disqualify you unless you go to some shady doctor. If your sister was harvesting her own eggs, it might be different, like they allow cancer patients to harvest their own eggs."
"But no ethical fertility practice would allow you to have eggs that you don't want harvested for someone else to use. The physical and psychological toll is way too high." ~ MohawMais
"OP, it's your body. I have pretty severe fibromyalgia, as does my mom and her grandmother did too. It absolutely sucks having to recognize that no, I'm not healthy enough to handle having a baby, I'm just not physically up to it."
"The world changes on you when you get diagnosed with a chronic pain condition, and you have to give yourself time to adjust."
"The problem is that your sister isn't interested in adjusting. Your life has made some huge changes since you agreed to try helping her. You're not obligated to act like nothing happened just for her." ~ Feycat
"My husband and I used an egg bank. It’s literally cheaper than getting eggs from a healthy known donor… which OP is not even a good candidate for. There is EXTENSIVE genetic testing involved so that we could be sure to pick a donor that was not a carrier for anything that my husband was. It’s also way faster to use already frozen eggs."
"We chose a donor that is open ID for the sake of our future child. Sister needed to consult a clinic because she would quickly learn all of this… what is she waiting for? She seems to be perpetually expecting something she has made no efforts to actually pursue." ~ Dashiepants
"Telling someone you'd be "open to" surrogacy is not a commitment to being a surrogate, and you never offered your eggs."
I find it a big problem that in both conversations where you are telling your sister some very big, life-changing news about yourself - that you're transitioning, and then that you're having surgery - that her first and only reaction is "but how will this affect meeeee????"
"That is not a mutually loving, giving relationship. You owe her nothing. You don't need a reason at all to not donate your eggs or not be a surrogate, both huge sacrifices and risks to your health. Tell her no and do not engage in further conversation about it."
"Regardless, it seems neither of you have looked into surrogacy because only people who have given birth prior will be considered candidates - it seems you haven't unless you've left that out of your story. Willingness is another vital criterion to be either a surrogate or donor."
"I'm sorry you're going through all of this, and sorry you don't have a sister you can lean on in a hard time, and all she sees is what she can get from you. Consider distancing yourself from her and surrounding yourself with people who love you. Find new friends and new community if you need to. This isn't it. NTA." ~ SummitJunkie7
OP had the best intentions when they made their original offer, but since then things have changed drastically. Egg harvesting is likely not even feasible given OP's health.
Their sister needs to accept this new reality and make other plans for her path to motherhood.
