Family aren’t entitled to us. Just because they are related to us does not mean they own us, or that they get to demand parts of us we don’t wish to freely give.
Redditor bluecoffeebeans unfortunately learned to assert this boundary the hard way.
She went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” in order to discern if she was right to keep her distance from her family after an intense demand was made upon her body.
This post received the “Yikes” award from Reddit for good reason.
“My dad (58) divorced my mom (58 too) 10 years ago, she got custody of me (24 F[emale]) cause she made more money and is able to provide a stable home for me.”
“Mom never remarried. He remarried my stepmom (44) two years ago and she’s a very nice woman. They’re very much in love and there are no hard feelings on any side of the family.”
The stepmom is going through some trauma of her own.
“At the beginning of the year, my stepmom called me to tell me that she’s heartbroken cause she can’t have bio-children. She and dad have been trying, but they couldn’t conceive because she was infertile after many doctor’s visits.”
“I think she didn’t want to accept that news, so she went to others to have someone tell her that the tests are wrong. While I’m close with them, I’m not comfortable with knowing that type of intimate detail.”
But out of that trauma, it got uncomfortable really fast.
“Stepmom told me that she’s looking into in vitro and she’s always wanted a child like me. I don’t consider myself special, but she wants me to be a mold for a biological child.”
“She asked if I could consider donating my eggs to her and use dad’s sperm to make a child with the closest DNA match to them. I don’t understand her logic.”
“Dad is obviously against it and so is mom, but stepmom doesn’t think it’s wrong because it’s not like we’re f**king.”
And then it just got worse and worse.
“This dropped on me after a week of back and forth between us, she wouldn’t let it go and wants me to reconsider.”
“I was super uncomfortable when she mentioned using my eggs and dad’s sperm. Then it reached inappropriate when she insinuated that sex even crossed her mind.”
Our original poster, or OP, out of necessity decided it was time to end this conversation for good.
But stepmom would not be silenced so easily.
“She roped my dad’s side of the family into the matter. They’re religious (old beliefs) and believe in patriarchal [lines]. Dad doesn’t have an heir to take the family name because they don’t see me as worthy of being the head of the household.”
“They’ve been bombarding me with messages and calls for my selfishness, saying I’m depriving a good woman of a chance to be a mother and denying my father’s right to have an heir (mom & dad agreed to one child). The family is accusing my mom of shoving her western independence view on me when I was a child.”
And now they don’t talk at all.
“I’ve since cut contact with that side of the family and stepmom. I’m too sickened by the thought of it. Things are awkward between Dad and me, so I went low contact with him.”
But is she overreacting after all?
“Now, I’m starting to think if I’m making a big deal out of it. She’s right, we’re not doing anything incestuous.”
“I know I have the right to say no (but really guilty for crushing stepmom’s heart), but am I overreacting by blocking stepmom too?”
“Lay it on me, Reddit. I built a thick skin from dad’s family.”
“It’ll hurt differently from objective strangers, but I need it. Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors ascertained where blame belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Remember when we said this got the “Yikes” award?
Most Redditors gave this whole situation a SOLID “yikes.”
“NTA. Ewww, this is so gross. Your dad’s seed is supposed to impregnate an egg whose genetic material is already half his? I know infertility can drive people crazy, but Jesus Christ. What medical professional would even entertain the possibility of doing this? NTA NTA NTA”~Persimmon_Puree
“Jumping on this because 1. NTA and 2. In-vitro Incest is still incest at the end of the day.”
“I get being distraught that she cannot have children, but your stepmother’s behavior is irrational and gross. She really needs to see a professional who can help her make sense of her situation and help her move forward in a healthy way.”~Glitter_Voldemort
“NTA. This is very, very weird.”
“If she uses your egg and dad’s sperm… It’s just weird and a little sickening. So, so weird.”
“She can use someone’s eggs. She already has your dad’s sperm. That’s as close as most people get, so her reasoning is honestly insane.”
“Incest tends to be illegal because of the genetic defects it can cause. So…”~booklover1993
“NTA. What did I just read?”
“First and foremost, your body, your choice. Egg donation is not an easy process.”
“To donate eggs, the donor must be given medications that will cause her to develop multiple eggs over a single cycle. The eggs are then removed from the donor by placing a needle that is attached to an ultrasound probe through the vaginal tissues. The eggs are then gently aspirated (suctioned) from the ovaries.”
“That alone should make you take pause. It’s not like you just go in, donate a couple eggs and come out. It’s a month long process that requires a special diet and you need to follow a strict regiment of medication.”
“On top of that, your step mom wants your eggs and your dad’s sperm? Yikes. I don’t think any doctor would allow it due to viability and health of the fetus.”
“Your stepmom needs a therapist, and you have every right to cut off communication until she starts respecting your boundaries.”~Vulpix-Rawr
In fact, it’s a universal NTA from every Redditor.
How could someone even consider this, when incest is a real problem at play here?
“NTA- If you went through with this she is going to end up with a [potentially] severely disabled child. It’s indirect incest.”
“Not only is she morally wrong but scientifically wrong as well. That baby is at a very high risk to be either unviable or have a very poor quality of life.”
“She needs to be cut off if she doesn’t let it go. She’s not entitled to your body and her stupidity about the fact she’s rooting for a literal inbred child is astonishing.”~weewooooooooo
“NTA. Very incestuous. It is just a bad idea to have a kid with your dad. That kind of in breeding can lead to genetic issues. And just eww.”~JackNotName
“NTA. Ewwwww that’s gross. Your Dad needs to step out of the Church of the Holy Penis, go to a proper religious centre where incest is 100% a problem.”
“Also what kind of ‘heir’ is going come out of Dad sperm and kid egg? Kid will want jack to do with the family hearing about that arrangement and it is no guarantee the kid will be a boy. My friend is looking at preparing for IVF and it’s so easy to find a donor if you have money.”
“GTFO Henry VIII and you are smart for cutting them off.”~AggressiveMennonite
“Absolutely NTA. Those are YOUR eggs and YOUR body and it’s YOUR choice. Egg retrieval is not a fun process btw. It’s expensive and involves a lot of shots and drugs to prepare your body. You are not entitled to do anything that makes you uncomfortable ale and she has no right to your eggs.”
“Also, I’m not sure about DNA? That’s a little weird. Also, many places require you to go to therapy before donating your eggs to make sure you are mentally prepared for this process.”
“NTA. NTA. Your dads side of the family and your step mom suck for pressuring you though and potentially ruining your relationship with your dad.”~meagsteph
OP’s relationship with her father may be ruined because of this.
“NTA – Besides anything else, there’s a reason incest is illegal; the risks of a child being born with some form of developmental/ health issues are much higher from people of the same genetic line.”
“I sympathize with your stepmother for not being able to have children but it’s weird she asked you this in the first place. You have every right to say no if it’s not something you want to do with your body.”
“It’s also highly ironic of your dad’s family to accuse your mom of shoving her ‘western independence view’ on you when it sounds like this is what they are trying to do with their religious and patriarchal ones in this situation.”~singinscotlawyer
“NTA but I think you know this already. This is super weird and your feelings are valid.”
“I would recommend- since it seems like your dad is also against his family and his wife in this, and is on your side to just text him and let him know you’re feeling awkward because of everything going on but you’re not mad at him at all and you’re sorry for being hard to reach for the time being.”
“Just so his feelings aren’t hurt. It’ll give him one less thing to stress about since it seems like his wife and family are giving him enough already”~mathxjunkii
“NTA. You are allowed to decline egg donation for ANY reason, but FYI donating eggs is a big deal. It will involve lots of ultrasounds, blood tests and medications that can have significant side effects. This is why fertility clinics offer so much more money for egg donation than sperm donation.”~roadtohealthy
“NTA. That’s weird of your stepmom to ask that of you and even worse for her to drag your dad’s side of the family in to harass you. You absolutely have the right to say no.”
“There’s different options that she can pursue like adoption or contacting an agency to get donor eggs. This is gross. I wouldn’t feel bad about not talking to your stepmom anymore because I honestly wouldn’t either.”~sarah9647
OP’s feelings, though validated by Reddit, will persist until this situation dies down—which it does not seem to have.
She’s unclear on the laws of the unidentified country her dad’s family is from.
“Info: many of you mention the legality issue. My stepmom is from the same country as my dad, she shares similar beliefs with his family’s religion.”
“I’m not aware of a lot of the details of her plan, she only asked me to donate. I should’ve put in that she wants the ‘child’ to have her country’s citizenship, not the U.S citizenship.”
“She has access to IVF in her homeland, but I didn’t think it would raise many comments about legality. It’s why I mentioned my dad’s family’s patriarchal beliefs.”
“Dad, stepmom, and his side of the family only have green cards. They have access to their country’s healthcare, but she’s not letting go of the possibility of me.”
“I don’t know the laws of their mother country, I was born here and I never stepped foot in the other country. I couldn’t put the info in due to the character limit. I’m so sorry for the missing information.”
Until stepmom and the paternal side of her family gives up on this idea, for one reason or another, it’s going to take some steel nerves on OP’s part.