For some people, a birth name is a solid part of one’s identity.
For others, it’s not that big of a deal.
Names can be changed if need be.
This is why the process of choosing a name can be difficult.
Sometimes a chosen name causes far more drama than intended.
Redditor 3rdhusband wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for calling my youngest daughter by her middle name?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (55 M[ale]) have three children from my previous marriage.”
“My third child (16 F[emale]) is named Isabella but goes by Bella.”
“I have been seeing Ashley (38 F) casually for a year and despite us being careful, she became pregnant and at only 28 weeks (EDIT: 27+4) gave birth to our daughter.”
“The birth experience was traumatic, and Ashley does not want to and probably won’t be able to have another child.”
“Because she was so early, we never had a chance to discuss names, but when I arrived at the hospital, the baby was already named Isabella.”
“Ashley knew that I already have a daughter named Isabella but when I confronted her about it, she said she’s always loved that name and had her heart set on it.”
“I suggested plenty of other names, but she refused them all.”
“The baby’s middle name is Emilia so when I’ve been visiting her in the NICU, that’s what I’ve been calling her.”
“Ashley and I usually visit at different times so she wasn’t aware that I had been calling her Emilia, but today we went at the same time.”
“She got upset when I called her Emilia and said it was not her name.”
“My older children FaceTimed me to see the baby as they usually do and also called her Emilia and she became livid, and started arguing with us.”
“Everyone pointed out that it would be weird for me to have two children with the same first and last name, and that it was disrespectful to Bella.”
“Bella said she would be fine if we called the baby Izzy but she’s not calling her sister Isabella or Bella.”
“Ashley says we are all a**holes, and we are making a hard situation harder on her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Wow, NTA, for me it would be the hill I’d die on.”
“Ashley cannot seriously think it’s OK for you to have two daughters with the same name?”
“And I feel she already knew she was gonna do it, which is why she’d already named the baby before you were even there (I feel there is a lot to unpack here?)” ~ AppeltjeEitje1079
“You can call the baby anything you want.”
“It’s on the birth certificate, so it is part of her real name.”
“The mom knew exactly what she was doing.”
“I don’t know what your plans are with this woman, but I would tread lightly.”
“She seems like she has her own plans. NTA.” ~ Accomplished_Two1611
“I find it extremely suspect that the baby was ‘already named’ by the time he got there.”
“With no other excuse for missing the birth except that she went into labor prematurely.”
“They don’t make you fill out the birth certificate the minute baby is out.”
“Hell, I didn’t even get the paperwork until several hours after my children were born.”
“Considering OP mentioned extreme complications for the girlfriend I imagine she was getting a significant amount of medical treatment herself post-birth as well.” ~ sleepingrozy
“ESH and… Ashley is lying her face off.”
“Baby Bella was an accident but her mom somehow had her heart set on naming her ‘Isabella?'”
“Suuurrre. I’ve pre-named all of the accidental children I’m going to pop out to!”
“Ashley wants you to write your first family off and this is her way of marking her territory.”
“There’s no other explanation for her nonsense.”
“You likely can’t change the kid’s name without Ashley’s cooperation, but yeah, you don’t have to use the name she chose either.”
“One thing I’d do very quickly establishes your parental rights and a custody agreement.”
“You’re in for one hell of a rollercoaster of her yanking your chain with this baby as the catalyst.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA – Who would name their new baby the same name as their partner’s existing daughter?”
“Not someone mentally stable.”
“If you are still romantically seeing her, I would stop.”
“Also, as a side note, I don’t believe anyone who says ‘we were being careful.'” ~ starbiebarbie99
“I mean it happens.”
“I got pregnant twice and was on because both times.”
“And we used a backup. Not kidding.”
“We were married and wanted kids, though, so no big deal.”
“Now we are done and both ‘taken care of.'”
“In any case, I had a name I loved I always wanted to use if I had a daughter.”
“It wasn’t just any name, it literally has my mom’s maiden name as a part of the name (my mom passed away).”
“Guess what? It’s my stepdaughter’s name.”
“At no point did I ever even consider for a second the lunacy of suggesting that name for my children.”
“There is something wrong with this woman.”
“Although I also don’t think OP is all there.”
“Him thinking he can just ignore it and call the baby by her middle name without a serious confrontation with the baby mama is also absurd.” ~ Own-Let2789
“You had a child with an unbalanced person.”
“My father was married before he met my mother and had a son, let’s call him Kenneth. He passed away after he divorced and later, much later, married my mom, who was married before and also had a son named Kenneth.”
“It was hard on my dad, but to have two living children named the same thing is bonkers.
“NTA. She’s a lunatic.”
“I’m sorry but a lunatic.” ~ anroar1
“Bold of you to assume Ashley’s intended plans have any overlap with your assumed plans.”
“If she’s willing to co-opt the name you’ve already given one of your daughters, is that because she doesn’t see your older children as regular fixtures in her future?”
“You’ve been seeing her ‘casually,’ do you expect that to now change?”
“In the brief weeks you knew she was pregnant, did you discuss making new plans/changing your relationship?”
“You’re NTA. I’m glad to hear that Ashley and baby are both healthy, especially with the baby being so immature.” ~ Equivalent-Board206
“NTA. Ashley is trying to assert dominance.”
“Naming the baby Isabella, even though you already have a child by that name, is her staking a claim: she’s the new woman with the new baby.”
“She’s now throwing a fit because she’s not getting her way.”
“If you give in, she’ll do everything to push your older kids out.”
“Don’t let that happen.” ~ buttercupgrump
“NTA. Ashley was aware that you had a daughter named Isabella who goes by a common form of that name.”
“It’s not like Bella goes by her middle name.”
“Even if she did, it would still be weird for you to have two children with the same first name.”
“Also, I get that you and Ashley weren’t in a serious relationship (or so it sounds in your post), but it sounds like you wanted to be involved in the child’s life, so why wouldn’t she consult you on names before settling on one?”
“Most likely because she wanted to name the baby Isabella and didn’t want to get challenged before she’d filed any paperwork.” ~ jemoss9
“My dad and his second wife did this to me.”
“They adopted a baby from Haiti and then gave it my name.”
“Suffice to say, I was pissed when I found out. Still am.”
“If I was still talking to him at the time, he would have told me I should be honored to have a baby named after me, and it’s not a big deal, but it is.”
“OP, your wife is jealous of your daughter and is trying to replace her.”
“There is no other reason to give two siblings the same name.”
“She could have used any variation of the name like Izza, Izzy, Isadora, but she chose to name her daughter after a child you already have.”
“No loving step-parent would ever do that to your stepchild. I’d be seriously reconsidering this marriage if I were you.”
“Your wife is TA you are NTA.” ~ Ericakat
“INFO: has Ashley done other bizarre things that should be considered red flags?”
“This seems like a crazy thing to do; not only to give the baby the name of your other daughter but to do it without your knowledge.”
“I can’t imagine Ashley’s all there mentally.”
“Either way, NTA.” ~ StonewallBrigade21
“NTA but Ashley seems like a real piece of work.”
“I would not continue that relationship.”
“The fact that you have a daughter named Isabella already and she named your daughter with her that gives all sorts of red flags that she is trying to have her baby erase your previous daughter from your life.” ~ Specialist-Owl2660
“Yikes – you had a baby with a woman who has no respect for your children, or you by the sounds of it, if she named your child without you.”
“Obviously NTA.” ~ Maximum-Ear1745
“Ashley sounds like a wicked stepmother from the movies 💀… do you really want your first three kids to deal with this new lady?”
“NTA, but Ashley definitely is the AH.” ~ Present-Ad-3819
Well, OP, most of Reddit seems to be with you on the matter.
Some people do think it is sort of odd to have two children with the same name.
A traumatic birth can leave a lot of emotional scars.
Ashley may need some therapy before you confront her further.
Hopefully you can all resolve this peacefully as a family.