For some people, cooking is a form of therapy.
It can often be a way to communicate with oneself.
There are so many people who say they cook or bake but rarely eat it.
It's the thrill of making the dish that feeds them.
So it can be unfortunate when others take advantage of or disparage that talent.
Redditor Live_Frosting_7812 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to cook for my family despite cooking for myself and saying they deserve to go hungry?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (16 M[ale]) still live with my family, obviously."
"I have chores just like my siblings."
"But something I do for fun and because I love and have a passion for it is cooking."
"I started cooking for myself three years ago."
"I had cooked before, but nothing like the last three years."
"I enjoy making my own breakfast and dinner and even lunch if I have no school."
"My parents saw I was cooking more, and they added that to my list of chores because Mom said they didn't want to waste food, and Dad said it was rude to cook for only one person."
"And I didn't mind cooking for everyone."
"But they were so f**king ungrateful."
"My siblings and parents alike."
"Complaints I got were:"
"Too spicy, wanted potatoes instead of rice..."
"Wanted rice instead of noodles..."
"Wanted beef instead of chicken..."
"Wanted something plain instead of spicy..."
"Wanted no veggies, wanted a more veggie-focused meal..."
"Wanted lasagna instead of pasta bake..."
"Didn't want soup, didn't like the flavor of soup..."
"Didn't want something sweet, wanted something sweet..."
"Changed mind and wanted meat well done, wanted more kinds of potatoes and the list goes on."
"None of this was constructive either."
"It was whining and complaining, and I did start out asking what I should do, but everyone wanted something different, and I'm still in school!! "
"I can't spend 6 hours cooking dinner on a school night so my siblings can have pizza, fries, nuggets, tacos, and my parents can have steak and potatoes and gravy and all the trimmings or none of the trimmings but five different kinds of potatoes."
"I even made a weekly meal plan for a while, and they wouldn't complain until after they ate it."
"I spoke to my family about the way they were behaving, and my mom told me that's the reality of cooking for a family."
"She said my siblings and dad had always been like that with her."
"I pointed out I hadn't been, and she just said that, and she said yeah, but it's part of life."
"I told her so she decided to treat me worse than I treated her, and she told me I was being difficult, and I told her no, she was taking everyone else's behavior out on me."
"A few times, my dad or one of my siblings would say I wasn't a very good cook, and they hated eating my food."
"So I said I wouldn't cook anymore, and Dad and Mom would get pissed, and my siblings would call me lame."
"So I stopped cooking for them."
"I cook just for me again, and my parents are furious."
"They all come home hungry, and I have nothing ready for them."
"Not even my siblings."
"My parents told me it's disrespectful, and I cannot continue, and I said they were all the disrespectful and ungrateful ones shi**ing all over what I made for them."
"They told me I shouldn't be okay with letting them go hungry, and I said they all deserve to go hungry."
"My parents said it was a disgusting attitude, and they grounded me for two weeks."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You are a minor."
"It's your parent's responsibility to take care of you."
"Cooking is a wonderful interest to have, and I hope your enjoyment is not ruined by your family's behavior."
"It's one thing to share your dishes alongside the rest of the food during meals, but another entirely to be responsible for feeling all your family members." ~ MsGeek
"This is what really saddens me."
"OP obviously has a passion for cooking, but his family is doing their best to suck all the joy out of it."
"OP, if - and I seriously mean IF - you go back to cooking for your family, it's time to enforce a new rule or two."
"However you go about getting groceries for the meals you make, it's time to add some very basic sandwich ingredients to the list."
"Tell your family that if they don't like what you've made, they can make themselves a damn sandwich."
"Each time they whine, you don't make dinner the next night."
"Each new complaint adds another night of no cooking."
"If they want the convenience of a ready dinner, they'll start to figure out their behavior needs to be altered." ~ DragonCelica
"No high school student should be responsible for feeding the family!"
"They got along when OP was not cooking, so they won't starve if he stops."
"But OP is a high school student."
"He has friends and homework!"
"This is too much for a kid."
"And the way they demand that he cook but, at the same time, complain about what he makes?"
"I bet they eat ALL of it before complaining."
"OP, please join a club or a sport when you're not home, and you won't have time to cook.
"Saying you're going to a friend's house wouldn't stop the complaints about you not cooking."
"I can't see any other way out of this."
"Your family sucks, dude." ~ SweetWaterfall0579
"Good idea but with all the drama I'd just give up - your mother is weird - I would Have thought she'd have your back."
"NTA and I wouldn't cook them anything."
"You're aT school - you're unpaid and they've pissed the chef off big time."
"Rude ungrateful mob."
"The family are the AHs." ~ Wedgetails
"I totally understand why you stopped cooking for them/all of the suggestions everyone else here is making but another thing you could do is continue cooking but just pretend you aren't getting any feedback at all positive or negative and only make whatever you actually feel like making.
"Then just remain super polite and if they ask for something else just literally look at them confused for a second and then just move past it wordlessly like a Westworld robot who was shown a picture they are programmed to be unable to actually see."
"If your parents try to have a more serious/direct discussion about why you aren't doing what the whole family wants, just say yes to whatever they ask, remain polite, and then go back to doing whatever you want."
"Dad obviously isn't going to cook, and Mom would rather not go back to it, so if she sees her choices are to shut up and let you do whatever you want or try to force the issue and risk having to cook herself again, she will shut up."
"The only way to ruin this is to get tricked into 'disrespecting' them by having an argument out loud."
"Your Dad's ego won't let you win if you make it explicit like that."
"Just respect them overtly, but quite obviously persist in doing whatever you please in the kitchen."
"Feel free to disregard, of course, and proceed however you want, but I think you'd be surprised how much further negotiating via action will get you than by word in the power dynamic you find yourself in." ~ ItchyDoggg
"Middle ground option - just cook what you want for yourself, but make enough for everyone."
"If they don't like it, tough."
"They can alter it or season it or cook something else for themselves."
"If they don't eat it, you don't need to cook again until you run out of your own leftovers."
"The only hard part with this approach is very firmly not giving a s**t if they complain about it."
"But they won't have grounds to say you're letting them go hungry since the food is there if they want it and it's what you're eating yourself."
"You do meals, you don't do requests, end of." ~ Valarauka_
"Also, dealing with mad disrespect isn't inherent in cooking for a family."
"Sounds like your dad modeled that behavior for your siblings, and your mom was cool with it."
"NTA, and yeah, you have the upper hand."
"You could negotiate to cook again with certain boundaries and lose other chores."
"You could make a schedule, make it clear you're not deviating from it, and that if they don't want what's on it, then they can cook their own food, and any rudeness could result in a ban from your dinners."
"That, or don't cook for them again."
"But good on you for learning this important life skill!" ~ echidnaberry87
"NTA. With your age, unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do here."
"Once you have a part-time job, start buying your own groceries, and they can't complain about it being a waste of food."
"To some extent, people being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life. I'd expect that from siblings and kids but not your parents."
"They're acting like children."
"They should be encouraging you and supporting your hobby, but instead, they used you and treated you badly." ~ evoactivity
"NTA, obviously."
"When I was brought up, if I said I didn't like something, I was told I had two choices: I could eat it, or I could leave it"
"If you decide to go back to cooking, this must be the rule from now on - BUT, you need to be cooking food your family will actually eat."
"It would be an a**hole move to cook fish when nobody likes it.
"Let everybody pick the meal one day a week."
"If anybody in the family has an issue with the meal, they take it up with the person who chose it." ~ T-h-e-d-a
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. You don't deserve this abuse.
Don't let their behavior eat at you and steal your love of cooking.
It may be time for you to reach out to a school counselor or family member.
It sounds like everyone is interested in an update if you can give one.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp