Everyone has different needs and wants in a relationship, and they also have different tolerance levels for what they’ll put up with.
While some people might be perfectly willing to try to make the relationship work after cheating, others will see unfaithfulness as an end-all, be-all deal breaker, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Great-Sprinkles-4915 was among those who felt cheating was a deal breaker, with no exceptions, and acted accordingly when they found out their partner had been cheating on them.
But when their partner accused them of not giving them a heads-up about ending the relationship, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they should have talked to their ex-partner before filing the divorce paperwork.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for blindsiding my cheating spouse with divorce papers?”
The OP became aware of an affair their partner was having.
“My spouse has been having an affair for a few months now. I discovered it after seeing a message on their phone.”
“They know cheating is a no-go for me and an instant relationship ender.”
The OP organized the divorce papers.
“For that reason, I decided to go to a lawyer and get the divorce papers prepared without saying anything.”
“Our relationship continued without a problem during these few weeks, and I served them the papers yesterday.”
“They were shocked and asked me the reason, crying as if they did not know.”
“I told them I knew about their affair.”
The OP’s partner accused them of “blindsiding” them about the end of their marriage.
“They said I should have talked to them before doing that and that we can still save our relationship.”
“I told them saving it was not my responsibility as they are the one who killed it.”
“They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything was okay was wrong.”
“They said they could have at least prepared themselves if I were to let them know about wanting a divorce.”
“I told them they could get ready with their lawyer now that they are served.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some wondered if the OP’s partner warned them about the affair first.
“Did they tell you when they were starting the affair so you could prepare yourself?”
“Imagine the audacity to say you are cruel! NTA.” – Outside_Frosting9957
“NTA.”
“It’s cruel that they let the cheater feel that they were getting away with it until the papers were served? That’s pretty rich.” – Single_Oven_819
“NTA. They should have given you a few weeks heads up that they will cheat so you could prepare yourself. Continuing the relationship as if everything was okay was cruel.” – CiverBlack
“Yeah, they’re so upset that they were blindsided and that OP was letting them go about their business while they planned to divorce them. Not at all unlike them, y’know, f**king someone behind OP’s back and letting them be blindsided by an affair. That’s totally different (sarcastic comment).” – WillBsGirl
“The partner thought that they were getting away with the affair, so they were blindsided that OP knew and was a person of their word about zero tolerance for cheating.”
“NTA. You got blindsided with the affair. They got blindsided with the divorce. Seems fair.” – panachi19
“Yes, it’s very cruel to lie and go behind your partner’s back! It’s almost like… cheating!” – Kowai03
“NTA. Your spouse is the AH for blindsiding you with their cheating. Shame shame shame on them…” – SilverReality_2428
“The OP’s ex: ‘You should have talked to me before filing for divorce.'”
“The OP: ‘You should have talked to me before you f**ked somebody else.'”
“NTA.” – ericbsmith42
“A chess move was made while they were cheating playing checkers. H**l, the cheater knew this was a non-negotiable, so they should’ve gotten an attorney first! They had inside trading info, no pun intended, and could’ve blind-sided OP. They really have no room to blame the OP for anything.” – BeaufortsMama2019
“The OP said, ‘They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything was okay was wrong.’ Seriously? This is coming from the cheater? Yup, they’re cruel and wrong for not talking to you and just stepping out.”
“The OP also said, ‘They could have at least prepared themselves if I were to let them know about wanting a divorce.’ You mean prepare excuses, blaming you, etc., etc.?”
“They obviously never planned to leave and continue with AP too. That’s on them for having such an inflated ego that they thought they could continue being a sh*tty person and partner indefinitely to you.”
“NTA. You did it perfectly.” – Rosalie-83
Others agreed and could not believe the OP’s soon-to-be ex was trying to play the victim.
“Situations like this just go to show that those who cheat are indeed narcissist sociopaths who only care about themselves and have the balls to play the victim.”
“‘What do you mean that you won’t let me have the best of both worlds? How dare you blindside me like that?’ – The OP’s ex, probably.” – chymerical
“It’s all a fun mix of narcissism, projection, and DARVO-ing (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, Offender).”
“How could YOU be so cruel? How could YOU blindside ME? Don’t you even care what I’m going through? You’re a heartless, unfeeling monster. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
“I grew up with a dad like this. Super easy to spot when you know the patterns.” – InvectiveDetective
“The OP said, ‘I told them saving it was not my responsibility as they are the one who killed it. They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything was okay was wrong.'”
“That’s called DARVO. You’re the aggrieved party, but your SO is looking for a moral high ground to claim and complain about, and since they can’t find one they’re making it through trying to twist the narrative.”
“The fact is that cheaters don’t deserve forewarning before being dumped or outed, and the claim that they do is indulgent to them and them alone.”
“NTA.” – DivineTarot
“Cheaters are unbelievably selfish. My ex-wife is a cheater and she’s the most selfish person I’ve ever known. And I gave her a second chance after catching her about 17 years ago. Once a cheater, always a cheater. OP, I think you made the right choice to call it quits.”
“For what it’s worth, to prove how selfish my ex is, I recently found out she’s been telling our son that her house is peaceful until he’s there and that he alone is the source of all of her stress. Her life is out of control and crashing hard but she’s too narcissistic and selfish to see that she’s causing it.” – Tim_Dawg
“I love the way this was handled. Don’t even give them time to process the divorce and try to gaslight you and love-bomb you into staying in the relationship.”
“They cheated, and the relationship was already over. NTA.” – Courtaid
“NTA. It’s not your fault that they cheated… Oh, and you should have been more miserable while they were with someone else?… They are delusional, and you owe them nothing except what the law requires.” – boredathome1962
“OP’s partner is mad they didn’t get the opportunity to lie, deny, blame, and gaslight OP. Or to move all of the marital money over to a new bank account that the OP couldn’t access. This was a beautiful way to handle a cheater.” – AdEastern3223
“What they’re really crying about is not being able to con OP into staying in a relationship with them to continue to feed their ego while they continue to cheat (or do literally anything else stupid enough to ruin a marriage).”
“I LOVE how this was handled. I actually wish all marriages were handled like this when it came to cheaters.”
“Once you’re caught, that’s it: no talking, no convincing from the other party to stay because they will ‘change for you,’ just divorce papers right off the bat.” – JustThoughtsEither
“You should have this, you should have that…”
“You know what, OP!? They should have been f**king loyal to you. End of story.”
“Tell them to stop avoiding responsibility for what they did and gaslighting you for calling them out on their bulls**t. They broke their marriage vows. They are in no position to bargain, make demands, or make excuses.”
“Throw them away and find someone better. NTA.” – ArcAngelArtemis
“NTA if they really cared about saving the relationship they would have ended the affair themselves (or you know not even started an affair). Notice they only wanted to put the work in when faced with the consequences of their actions.”
“Love the mental gymnastics they have going on to make you the bad guy here.” – henchwench89
“NTA. Just like how you have to accept pregnancy as a possible outcome to unprotected sex, people should accept divorce as a possible outcome to cheating.”
“They weren’t the only one blindsided but they are the only one who deserves the outcome. You did nothing wrong here and didn’t owe them the time for them to be able to scramble up a defense. I’m sure it sucks for them but this is the bed they made, it’s only fair they lay in it.” – panaccolade
The subReddit was shocked that the OP’s soon-to-be ex-partner not only cheated on them but also expected a “warning” that their cheating could actually end their relationship.
If the OP’s ex wanted to be able to live without warnings, they shouldn’t have broken their share of the marital agreement.