Content Warning: Organ donation, Organ transplant, Organ donor coercion, Savior siblings
A popular and well-known trope in the science fiction genre has become the concept of biological donors, specifically donors or clones grown to provide replacement organs to a client.
Unfortunately, in real life, there’s such a thing as parents raising “savior siblings” when they’re so heartbroken over one of their children being critically ill, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, leaving the savior siblings to be raised as if the point of being alive is to keep their sibling alive.
Redditor Zestyclose-Second440 was raised as one of these siblings when her oldest brother was diagnosed with cancer and her other older brother was not well enough to donate.
But when she became estranged from her family when she was an adult, the Original Poster (OP) refused to step back into that world when her brother needed a kidney transplant.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to be a kidney donor for my brother?”
The OP was raised as a “savior sibling” to provide for her oldest brother, Drew.
“I (32 Female) am a savior sibling. Basically, I was made to be used as spare parts for my eldest brother, Drew (37 Male).”
“I have another brother, Mark, who is 34. He was supposed to be the savior sibling, but due to health reasons, he was not a viable donor. Because he wasn’t useful to them, our parents ignored him for most of his life.”
“Drew was two years old when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was devastating, and finding a bone marrow donor was not going well. After a few months, they decided to have a child to get the bone marrow, which is where my second brother came into the picture.”
“As I said previously, he was not viable because of his health, which turned into my parents having a third child, me. I became the savior sibling, starting with my umbilical cord. Then they took bone marrow donations since I was a toddler.”
“If you’ve seen ‘My Sister’s Keeper,’ it was a pretty similar situation, albeit in Spanish.”
The OP had a terrible childhood, before and after Drew was ill.
“I spent most of my early childhood just being exhausted. I couldn’t go to kindergarden and early school with other children because, from the donations, my health was affected. My diet was tailored to be ‘at my best state’ for the next donation.”
“Around the time Drew was 14, he was declared cancer-free. There was never any acknowledgement of me donating parts of my body since birth so he could live. Only a big party and him being called a miracle by the whole family.”
“Before, when he was sick, I didn’t interact much with Drew. He was either at the hospital or in the only air-conditioned room, with his own TV and the latest game console available. He never really tried to form a relationship with either me or our brother, Mark.”
“Healthy Drew was a nightmare. He treated me like his personal maid, bullied Mark, constantly hit us, pushed us, and insulted us. Think the most stereotypical bully, and he was pretty much that.”
“Our parents didn’t really care. He was the center of their world, and the rest of us were an afterthought. Whatever he wanted, he got. Whatever the rest of us needed, we had to figure out how to make do.”
The OP and Mark were very close and distanced themselves from the rest of the family.
“Mark pretty much took the role of raising me. He started working at 15 and used what little he made so I could go on school field trips, have snacks, and he always got me a present for Christmas. That was my only present for many years.”
“Our parents also didn’t help with university, so we both made do with a local university. They were too busy paying for Drew to travel and party to even help with out with school books.”
“Eventually we both got hired overseas. I lived in the US for a few years, and now I live in Spain and work as a police officer. Mark lives in Netherlands and is also in law enforcement.”
“Our parents and Drew remain in South America. My parents call maybe once a year on my birthday. I had no contact with Drew for about a decade.”
“Mark and I visit each other constantly, and I talk to him almost every day. That was our normal, and we were all happy with it.”
Then the OP received a surprise call with demands.
“That remained true until about three weeks ago. I got a rare off-season call from my parents. They don’t call for holidays, so this meant an emergency.”
“I answered, and my mother was already crying. She told me they were at the hospital after Drew fainted during one of his many trips. Turns out all his partying and vices caught up to him, and he’s gone into renal failure.”
“He’s currently on dialysis, but my old hospital records were still with my parents and it said I was a match for him to be a kidney donor.”
“My mom told me I needed to be there in five days for the surgery. She didn’t ask, just told me, like when I was four and I cried that I didn’t want to be poked and prodded, but she still told me to ‘deal with it.'”
The OP refused to be a savior sibling anymore.
“I said no. Only no.”
“She was stunned for only a minute or so before she started cursing me and telling me this is ‘what I was made for.'”
“I just asked her to say it louder now that I had her in speaker so my whole station could hear her. That was a lie, but I knew the idea of people hearing her would make her stop.”
“She cussed me out and ended the call.”
“Since then, I’ve received multiple phone messages, emails, and even written mail from relatives telling me how disappointed they are with me. Some cursing me, and I mean it in the literal sense, and a few threats, legal and otherwise. I just delete and throw them away, since I am not really concerned.”
The OP still felt conflicted.
“The issue is, from what I heard, Drew is getting worse really fast, and a part of me does feel guilty.”
“A friend of mine who did go through with a kidney donation knows what’s going on and asked me if I could live knowing I let my brother die. I said yes, but at the same time, I know that’s a lie.”
“The more logical part of me constantly reminds me I am not responsible; he is responsible for his bad decisions. But the emotional part that has been basically molded from years of being a spare parts child screams for me to book a ticket and head back.”
“So, in the interest of perspective… Am I wrong for refusing to donate to him?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to take care of herself and not donate a kidney.
“NTA. A thousand times NTA.”
“You are feeling guilty for not helping your brother because you have been conditioned from birth to be his donor. But you are not his tool. You are a human being and belong to yourself.”
“Even leaving aside your parents’ treating you as spare parts and not as their child, your older brother’s treatment of you was cruel, selfish, and especially disgusting given that you had saved his life over and over. And now his condition is the result of his own choices and actions. You owe him NOTHING.”
“You need to do two things:”
“1. Stand firm about not donating a kidney to your brother.”
“2. Start therapy to untangle the web of guilt and false responsibility that your parents enmeshed you in.”
“And when your brother dies, don’t blame yourself if you feel relieved instead of grieving.” – DawnShakhar
“NTA, a thousand times over! It’s about time someone told you that you’re not just the family’s backup plan. Focus on your own well-being and let your brother figure out his own life choices. And hey, therapy could be the best investment for your sanity.” – tenerrabuff
“You and your other brother were conceived and raised to be literally spare parts, nothing more and nothing less. Your parents and your older brother neither loved you as a family member should or gave a s**t about you.”
“You’re NTA for not being willing to be a spare one part. He was saved from cancer literally by your body being parts being used up. He wrecked his own life by living carefree and wild and burned his second chance at life. He does not deserve it.”
“Finally, ask yourself if you or your other brother literally needs a kidney or a lobe from your liver, would your parents or brother even bother to take your call, let alone help you. The answer, my guess is no.” – RaptorOO7
“Op should reply to the relatives, “I exchanged my childhood to give him the gift of life and he chose to destroy that life. I’m not giving him my career and livelihood so he squander that, too.”
Kidney transplant is no joke, and it’s often much harder on the donor than the recipient after surgery. No way in hell would I trust these fools to care for op properly. Not to mention op may lose their job and/or home depending on the conditions of their immigration. Also, idk about their home country, but most doctors won’t perform a transplant if the donor seems at all hesitant.
NTA, not at all. Live donation should be an EMPHATIC YES situation only.” – JacOfAllTrades
Others pointed out that Drew might not be a solid candidate for a donation anymore.
“OP, don’t donate that kidney, even if your family threatens to go no contact.”
“It doesn’t sound like Drew would be a good recipient, based on his life choices.”
“I really doubt he’d care for his new kidney, follow a strict renal diet, take all his immunosuppressant medication, wear a mask in public right after the surgery, and so on. I think it would be a waste of a healthy kidney.”
“Plus, there would be physical restrictions on the donor, such as no contact sports. That might preclude staying in law enforcement, depending on your job.” – floofienewfie
“If he smokes, drinks, or does drugs, they will not put him on the transplant list. That’s why they need OP for a direct donation. In my opinion, Drew is now dealing with the consequences of his actions. If I were the OP, I’d welcome going no contact.” – adkSafyre
“My aunt was disqualified from receiving a liver transplant just because she missed two of the three classes the hospital was requiring her to take. From what I remember, they were mandatory education on taking care of your health post-transplant and how your life changes, etc.”
“Their justification was that if she couldn’t be bothered to show up for the classes, then she couldn’t be trusted to be compliant with the medications and lifestyle changes required to make sure the transplant didn’t reject. Missing the classes got her flagged as a high risk for organ rejection, and the hospital just said, ‘Nope, not going to risk giving you a liver and having you waste it by being non-compliant.'”
“I bet Drew has been flagged as a high risk for non-compliance, and they have refused to put him on the transplant list. Which is probably why his family is popping out of the woodwork to try to bully him into donating. Eff that. Drew f**ked around and found out.” – suddenlywolvez
“And when he f**ks up that kidney, OP’s parents would fully expect her to give up her other kidney. This is fully the type of situation where the only option is just block everyone and move on with your life.” – Mirabai503
“To be fair, the terrible parents and family are responsible too. They raised him to be s**tty. To have no limits and probably subsidize his drugs.”
“If I were OP, I would probably write the whole family that I know I’m considered only spare parts and not a person. That they have never loved or respected me as a person. Neither be grateful that I already saved my older brother from cancer, and that they would happily murder me to save him.”
“But my older brother is not going to die because of me, but because parents and himself. Because parents were stupid to not teach him to care for his health, and he decided to destroy his body with drugs.”
“Also, terrible people as they are, they have made sure that no one would love him enough to donate to him.”
“But despite this, suggest that dear dad and mom test for compatibility in case they could get a cross-donation. They deserve to enjoy a little of what you endured your whole childhood. Don’t they love their son? Then get tested and lose a piece of their bodies.” – Vvendertadlcemc
This was such an appalling situation that some struggled to believe that something like this could be true, but there are certain cultures and families where some children are far from being viewed as “children” in some people’s eyes.
The OP had already spent her childhood helping her brother, and if the family couldn’t see her as family and stay in touch with her beyond her birthday, which they likely saw as the day that they acquired an ongoing donor for their favorite child, then she didn’t have to go through with this.