Doing favors for friends and family is pretty standard in healthy relationships, and even in some not so healthy ones.
Doing favors for friends of friends or friends of family might be pushing it though.
An adult child turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after their favor for their mom's friend went sideways.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Kerasia_Kechagia asked:
"AITAH for refusing to drive my mom's friend anymore after she spilled coffee in my car, and now they're blaming me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'd been driving my mom's friend to and from work for about three months. Her work was on may way, and she lives a couple of blocks away, so it wasn't a hassle at all. I'd pick her up and drop her off in the evening. Everything was chill, no money involved, and no formal agreements."
"That day, I'd gone to a café with my coworker at lunchtime, so he adjusted the seat for him."
"In the evening, I stopped by to pick her up as usual. She got into the car holding a cup of coffee in an uncovered cup. I hadn’t even started the car yet. I was just sitting there, getting ready to go."
"The car isn’t new, the seat is adjusted mechanically with a lever under the seat. She sat down, holding the coffee in one hand, and with the other began adjusting the seat to fit her. Because of this, the seat jerked slightly, she lost her balance, and the coffee spilled right onto the seat and her clothes."
"I immediately said It’s okay, these things happen, no big deal, we’ll wash it off. When we arrived, I calmly said that I’d take her clothes to the dry cleaner tomorrow and let her know how much it would cost. We’d figure it out. She didn’t say anything, just silently got out and went home."
"The next day, my mom called and started yelling at me, saying I’d ruined her friend’s day and that it was all my fault, and how dare I even ask for money for this. Then my mom’s friend called herself and said she wouldn’t pay a thing, that her jacket was new and expensive, and that I actually owed her now."
"At some point, I just said I wouldn’t drive her around anymore. After that, the insults started, and she said she’d be waiting for me at her house on Monday."
"On Monday, I had three missed calls. I didn't answer a single one. Now my mom says I cut things off too abruptly and ruined the relationship over a single stain, but I just don't understand why I’m the one to blame for stopping being a free driver."
"It was 3 months of regular rides with no issue, and then one accident and suddenly it’s blame + attitude instead of even a basic acknowledgment."
"It stopped feeling like a casual favor and more like I was expected to just accept blame and keep providing rides anyway, so I just stepped out of it."
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to remove themselves from the situation (NTA).
"She’s an a**hole for saying she 'won’t pay a thing' after making a mess in your car. You’re so right for not driving her around anymore—she never deserved it." ~ OutcomeVast6852
"Not only that, but said the OP owes her now because her jacket was expensive. Like ma'am you spilt it on yourself, maybe you should have had a lid on your coffee." ~ Various_Payment_1071
"I don't see how OP owes their mom's friend anything. They adjusted the seat, not OP."
"Yes, OP could have adjusted the seat, but why would they? For one; they weren't being paid by their mom's friend. And for two; they wouldn't have known how their mom's friend would have wanted the seat to be adjusted beforehand, so as to make their mom's friend comfortable when their mom's friend got into their car."
"They could have adjusted it, sure, but there's a chance their mom's friend would have had to adjust it again, and it's likely the spill would have still happened due to their carelessness. NTA." ~ morchard1493
"It's your car. You can do as you please with it. She thinks she can boss you around because she's your mom's friend. NTA." ~ prairiehomegirl
"NTA. Whoa, she's been getting free rides and this is the attitude you get? And your mum's on her side‽‽ Too right, you're not taking her to her work again! The audacity and entitlement." ~ Kaezzi
"NTAH. Those two need to grow up. Don’t give either one of them the satisfaction of any more acknowledgment of it. The cost of the stain may be worth your peace of mind." ~ LoosePhilosopher1107
"NTA. Easy answer: you no longer will give rides to anyone, not your Mom, not your Mom's friends with out a cash deposit of what ever a full deep clean and detail of the inside of the car would be. If the car is in exactly the same condition when the trip is over that it was when you allowed them in it they get their $ back." ~ Objective-Pound2185
"Never mind whose car it is, this woman got into your car with an uncovered cup of coffee, started fiddling around with the seat, spilled the coffee all over the place, and it's your fault?? You are far better off riding alone and your mother defending her friend without knowing the story is an entirely different matter. NTA. Stick to your guns." ~ Naive_Market_9688
"NTA. She spilled coffee over herself and YOUR car, while you were doing her a favour, and she expects you to pay to clean her jacket??"
"She should be paying to get YOUR car cleaned, or at least offering to clean it up herself." ~ AffectionateMarch394
"NTA. I’d text them both, 'She chose to get into a car with an uncovered coffee cup. This caused her to spill her coffee. I will not be paying to clean her jacket due to her ineptitude and I will no longer be providing rides due to her entitlement. Perhaps she should consider her behavior in the future when expecting favors from people' then block the friend and don’t let your mother guilt you." ~ seanthebean24
"NTA. You're not required to do anything for anybody and you've been doing it three months out of the goodness of your heart and I didn't hear a word about this woman copping you gas money when gas is $4.15 a gallon, so you know what, you tell her that's all right she ain't got to pay to fix your car but her days of riding for free are over or just do what you did. It's not your responsibility to keep helping your mother's friends out, have your mom do it." ~ AliceinRealityland
"So it's your fault she ruined her coat adjusting your seat to fit her wishes while picking her up at her work for no money. Then she enlists your mom to insult you."
"Nope she burnt her favor and can walk her @ss to work. If mom has a problem, she can drive her. Tell the friend that her actions caused her problem and she can pay for her sh*t."
"Then give her a bill to clean your seat and for half the mileage for every day you drove her. I think the going rate is 62 cents a mile."
"The only a**hole thing I saw you do was maybe offering to help pay to get her coat clean." ~ spaced2259
"Your mom's friend's an ungrateful b*tch. I get a free ride home from work from a colleague my 3 days a week in the office, and feel bad about every single free ride that lets me avoid a longer bus ride home."
"She won't take money from me, so I thank her every day, I buy little gifts or sticker books for her young daughter, or gift her something like a gas card or bottle of wine or something as a thank you every single pay week."
"I never want anyone feeling I'm ungrateful or a burden or a b*tch. Plus, it takes a special kind of idiot to get into a car with an open drink, especially a coffee with milk!" ~ Greedy_Blueberry420
"OMG...you don't want to know what I would say if that was my mom and her friend. It wouldn't be nice words either.
"I'd be tearing them both a new a**hole. NTA... doesn't her friend ride anymore? Let your mom do it."
"Her friend is the one who should apologize and pay to get your seat cleaned." ~ fryingthecat66
"She could’ve handled this whole situation better. If she had just paid for the cleaning for what she had done, then all of this could’ve been avoided. Also sad that your Mum went all agro with you right away without hearing your side. I would’ve done the same if I were you." ~ Choice-Nectarine7614
At least OP learned what to say when their mother wants a favor for a friend.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.