Doing favors for friends and family is pretty standard in healthy relationships, and even in some not so healthy ones.
Doing favors for friends of friends or friends of family might be pushing it though.
An adult child turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after their favor for their mom's friend went sideways.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Kerasia_Kechagia asked:
"AITAH for refusing to drive my mom's friend anymore after she spilled coffee in my car, and now they're blaming me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'd been driving my mom's friend to and from work for about three months. Her work was on may way, and she lives a couple of blocks away, so it wasn't a hassle at all. I'd pick her up and drop her off in the evening. Everything was chill, no money involved, and no formal agreements."
"That day, I'd gone to a café with my coworker at lunchtime, so he adjusted the seat for him."
"In the evening, I stopped by to pick her up as usual. She got into the car holding a cup of coffee in an uncovered cup. I hadn’t even started the car yet. I was just sitting there, getting ready to go."
"The car isn’t new, the seat is adjusted mechanically with a lever under the seat. She sat down, holding the coffee in one hand, and with the other began adjusting the seat to fit her. Because of this, the seat jerked slightly, she lost her balance, and the coffee spilled right onto the seat and her clothes."
"I immediately said It’s okay, these things happen, no big deal, we’ll wash it off. When we arrived, I calmly said that I’d take her clothes to the dry cleaner tomorrow and let her know how much it would cost. We’d figure it out. She didn’t say anything, just silently got out and went home."
"The next day, my mom called and started yelling at me, saying I’d ruined her friend’s day and that it was all my fault, and how dare I even ask for money for this. Then my mom’s friend called herself and said she wouldn’t pay a thing, that her jacket was new and expensive, and that I actually owed her now."
"At some point, I just said I wouldn’t drive her around anymore. After that, the insults started, and she said she’d be waiting for me at her house on Monday."
"On Monday, I had three missed calls. I didn't answer a single one. Now my mom says I cut things off too abruptly and ruined the relationship over a single stain, but I just don't understand why I’m the one to blame for stopping being a free driver."
"It was 3 months of regular rides with no issue, and then one accident and suddenly it’s blame + attitude instead of even a basic acknowledgment."
"It stopped feeling like a casual favor and more like I was expected to just accept blame and keep providing rides anyway, so I just stepped out of it."
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to remove themselves from the situation (NTA).
"She’s an a**hole for saying she 'won’t pay a thing' after making a mess in your car. You’re so right for not driving her around anymore—she never deserved it." ~ OutcomeVast6852
"Not only that, but said the OP owes her now because her jacket was expensive. Like ma'am you spilt it on yourself, maybe you should have had a lid on your coffee." ~ Various_Payment_1071
"I don't see how OP owes their mom's friend anything. They adjusted the seat, not OP."
"Yes, OP could have adjusted the seat, but why would they? For one; they weren't being paid by their mom's friend. And for two; they wouldn't have known how their mom's friend would have wanted the seat to be adjusted beforehand, so as to make their mom's friend comfortable when their mom's friend got into their car."
"They could have adjusted it, sure, but there's a chance their mom's friend would have had to adjust it again, and it's likely the spill would have still happened due to their carelessness. NTA." ~ morchard1493
"It's your car. You can do as you please with it. She thinks she can boss you around because she's your mom's friend. NTA." ~ prairiehomegirl
"NTA. Whoa, she's been getting free rides and this is the attitude you get? And your mum's on her side‽‽ Too right, you're not taking her to her work again! The audacity and entitlement." ~ Kaezzi
"NTAH. Those two need to grow up. Don’t give either one of them the satisfaction of any more acknowledgment of it. The cost of the stain may be worth your peace of mind." ~ LoosePhilosopher1107
"NTA. Easy answer: you no longer will give rides to anyone, not your Mom, not your Mom's friends with out a cash deposit of what ever a full deep clean and detail of the inside of the car would be. If the car is in exactly the same condition when the trip is over that it was when you allowed them in it they get their $ back." ~ Objective-Pound2185
"Never mind whose car it is, this woman got into your car with an uncovered cup of coffee, started fiddling around with the seat, spilled the coffee all over the place, and it's your fault?? You are far better off riding alone and your mother defending her friend without knowing the story is an entirely different matter. NTA. Stick to your guns." ~ Naive_Market_9688
"NTA. She spilled coffee over herself and YOUR car, while you were doing her a favour, and she expects you to pay to clean her jacket??"
"She should be paying to get YOUR car cleaned, or at least offering to clean it up herself." ~ AffectionateMarch394
"NTA. I’d text them both, 'She chose to get into a car with an uncovered coffee cup. This caused her to spill her coffee. I will not be paying to clean her jacket due to her ineptitude and I will no longer be providing rides due to her entitlement. Perhaps she should consider her behavior in the future when expecting favors from people' then block the friend and don’t let your mother guilt you." ~ seanthebean24
"NTA. You're not required to do anything for anybody and you've been doing it three months out of the goodness of your heart and I didn't hear a word about this woman copping you gas money when gas is $4.15 a gallon, so you know what, you tell her that's all right she ain't got to pay to fix your car but her days of riding for free are over or just do what you did. It's not your responsibility to keep helping your mother's friends out, have your mom do it." ~ AliceinRealityland
"So it's your fault she ruined her coat adjusting your seat to fit her wishes while picking her up at her work for no money. Then she enlists your mom to insult you."
"Nope she burnt her favor and can walk her @ss to work. If mom has a problem, she can drive her. Tell the friend that her actions caused her problem and she can pay for her sh*t."
"Then give her a bill to clean your seat and for half the mileage for every day you drove her. I think the going rate is 62 cents a mile."
"The only a**hole thing I saw you do was maybe offering to help pay to get her coat clean." ~ spaced2259
"Your mom's friend's an ungrateful b*tch. I get a free ride home from work from a colleague my 3 days a week in the office, and feel bad about every single free ride that lets me avoid a longer bus ride home."
"She won't take money from me, so I thank her every day, I buy little gifts or sticker books for her young daughter, or gift her something like a gas card or bottle of wine or something as a thank you every single pay week."
"I never want anyone feeling I'm ungrateful or a burden or a b*tch. Plus, it takes a special kind of idiot to get into a car with an open drink, especially a coffee with milk!" ~ Greedy_Blueberry420
"OMG...you don't want to know what I would say if that was my mom and her friend. It wouldn't be nice words either.
"I'd be tearing them both a new a**hole. NTA... doesn't her friend ride anymore? Let your mom do it."
"Her friend is the one who should apologize and pay to get your seat cleaned." ~ fryingthecat66
"She could’ve handled this whole situation better. If she had just paid for the cleaning for what she had done, then all of this could’ve been avoided. Also sad that your Mum went all agro with you right away without hearing your side. I would’ve done the same if I were you." ~ Choice-Nectarine7614
At least OP learned what to say when their mother wants a favor for a friend.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp