Helping a loved one is a lovely thing to do, right?
But when help becomes taking advantage, things get chaotic.
Just because someone is family, it doesn’t mean they are entitled to services rendered.
Redditor nova_lneyy wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to be the ‘family driver’ now that I have a car?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (24 F[emale]) just got my first car a few months ago.”
“I saved for it for almost 3 years while working full-time and taking night classes.”
“It’s nothing fancy, an old used Toyota, but it’s mine.”
“I bought it myself, and I’m really proud of that.”
“The issue is that since I got the car, my family (mostly my mom and older sister) has started expecting me to drive everyone everywhere.”
“For groceries, pharmacy runs, appointments, airport pickups, and random errands.”
“Sometimes they ask, but more often they just assume I’ll do it.”
“I get texts like ‘You can take me at 3, right?'”
“Without even checking if I’m available.”
“My sister (29 F) doesn’t work and doesn’t drive.”
“She’s never really tried, she says, driving makes her anxious.
“Our mom doesn’t drive either (medical reasons).”
“For the past 10 years, they’ve relied on public transport, taxis, or friends.”
“But now that I have a car, they act like I’m their personal chauffeur.”
“I’ve tried setting boundaries.”
“I’ve told them I’m happy to help when I can, but I can’t always be available, especially since I still work full time and I’m trying to finish my degree.”
“But when I say no, they get super upset.”
“My sister sulks and complains I’m selfish, and my Mom says things like, ‘We’ve always helped you when you needed it.'”
“Last week, I refused to drive my sister across town for a job interview because I had an exam that evening.”
“She ended up missing it and now blames me for ‘ruining her chance.'”
“Our aunt even called to tell me I should ‘sacrifice a little’ because ‘family helps family.'”
“I feel awful, but also kind of resentful.”
“I bought this car so I could be more independent, not so I could become the default ride for two grown adults who’ve chosen not to drive.”
“But maybe I’m being too rigid.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for refusing to be the family driver, even though I’m the only one with a car?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a-hole.
“NTA. You didn’t buy a car to become the designated Uber for grown adults who had functioning lives before you had one.”
“Your sister’s anxiety about driving is valid, but that doesn’t mean you should be her chauffeur.”
“And your mom’s medical issues?”
“Also valid.”
“But again… not a reason to guilt-trip you into sacrificing your time, education, and mental health.”
“Helping when you can is generous.”
“Being expected to drop everything, without question?”
“That’s exploitation, not family love.”
“You didn’t ruin your sister’s job opportunity; she did by not planning for alternatives.”
“You’re allowed to have your own life, even if that means saying ‘no.'”
“Boundaries don’t make you selfish.”
“They make you sane.” ~ Onlycosplay_xo
“It is amazing to me how non-drivers seem to think that driving them somewhere is no big deal.”
“I guess they figure it’s fun to do, listening to the radio and zooming around, like you’re in a video game, without stopping to think how few people want to drive for a living as taxi drivers or truckers.”
“That, and when they get a ride, they’re only there for half the time — you still have to get there to pick them up, or drive home after dropping them off, so they only see half the favor they’re asking for.”
“And, of course, they don’t see the money you pay for the vehicle, insurance, gas, maintenance, etc.”
Very frustrating. NTA.” ~ MystifiedByPeople
“NTA. Just keep on saying Yes when it suits you, and No when it doesn’t.”
“They’re still better off than before you had the car.”
“But if they keep on complaining and putting you down about it, you can stop driving them altogether; maybe they’ll like that better.” ~ ScarletNotThatOne
“Good idea.”
“But occasionally mix it up.”
“Say yes, then don’t turn up.”
“Say no, then shout at them for not being there.”
“Admit what you’re doing.”
“Forward calls from mum and sis to a taxi company.”
“Pack a sleeping bag in the trunk and one time leave for three weeks camping.”
“You’re an adult, though, and unless you move out, you can’t really have fun with this.”
“Top points for simply calling them out each time.”
“You could have had that shopping if you weren’t too cheap to call a taxi.”
“You wouldn’t have f**ked that job up if you were a real adult who could drive.”” Or maybe the classic “My car, my rules.'” ~ Bloody_sock_puppet
“NTA. Have you heard of the ‘lobster pot’ or ‘crab bucket’ mentality?”
“A single lobster caught in a pot can typically climb out and free themselves.”
“If you have two or more lobsters in the pot when the first gets halfway out, the others will pull it back down.”
“Then they all end up getting cooked.”
“Some people do this, too.”
“As long as you are in the pot, they will try to pull you back down.”
“You need to escape the pot as fast as you can so you can swim free.” ~ waywardworker
“NTA. It’s not that you are refusing to help them out; it’s that you are not allowing them to use you.”
“You said you have tried setting boundaries, but from the way you described it, I’m not sure that you set them entirely correctly.”
“That doesn’t make you at fault by any means, but it’s more effective if you phrase boundaries as ‘If, then’ statements.”
“‘If you don’t ask me more than a day in advance, then I won’t drive you,’ or ‘If you ask me and I am going to be busy, then I won’t rearrange my day.'”
“Something like that.”
“Then your responses will be predictable, and they can’t act blindsided.”
“The key is following through, though.”
“If they don’t respect your boundaries, then your boundaries can change to, ‘If you try to guilt me one more time, then I won’t drive you at all.'” ~ the_elephant_stan
“NTA. If you end up actually giving them rides, charge quadruple what Uber does and tell them it’s the family discount.”
“They can continue to take other forms of transportation. NTA.”
“Also, yay, we’re Toyota buddies.”
“My husband and I both have (very old) used Avalons.” ~ Ohaibaipolar
“NTA. Your sister has legs.”
“Last time anyone checked, they were still there.”
“If she wanted the job enough, she would have moved her lazy bum.”
“You need to tell her 29 years old is old enough to be responsible for her own actions in life, and blaming anyone but herself for self-inflicted pain will get her nowhere.”
“She is also old enough to accept rejection and respect your boundary.”
“Family could be important, but do not let them push you around.”
“What she essentially did was weaponise her own incompetence and emotionally manipulate you.” ~ KeepWalkingMe
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Some of your family members might be As.”
“You are not a taxi; you have your life.”
“Tell them to get a license, get a car, or get an Uber or public transport.”
“Abusing kindness is way too common.”
“You do one favor and then it just doesn’t stop.”
“And then guilt tripping and gaslighting start.”
“The family loves to guilt-trip like that.”
“Especially ones who never do much for anyone, curiously.”
“It is somehow usually those people who ask for ‘sacrifice.’ Nope.”
“Not having that.”
“And when you finally draw a line, they act insulted, like you’ve taken something away, instead of withholding what was being given out of kindness but abused.”
“Good for you for standing up for yourself.”
“That is exactly the right thing to do.”
“Now stay firm and assertive.”
“Draw boundaries and stick to them.”
“All the best to you.” ~ Low_Breakfast_5427
“NTA. I’d say taking them grocery shopping and to the pharmacy once a week is a fine ask.”
“But things like clothes shopping, going to the movies, to a job interview? No.”
“But even those two things should be done all at once, not groceries on Tuesday, pharmacy on Wednesday, 2nd grocery store on Friday, etc.”
“It should be.”
“‘I’m going grocery shopping on Friday if anyone wants to come with me.'”
“Of course, they aren’t ENTITLED to go every week, but it would be nice to help your family from time to time.”
“Groceries on a bus SUCKS.” ~ Common_Wrongdoer3251
“How was your sister planning on getting across town every day to work at the job the interview was FOR?”
“Job interviews are something you should definitely be getting yourself to, as a test to see if you can work there. NTA.” ~ NarrativeScorpion
“NTA. How did they get around before you got your car?”
“They can go back to doing that and save up to buy their own vehicle.”
“They’re calling you selfish while taking advantage of you.”
“You didn’t save your money for three years in order to be someone else’s free ride.”
“I’m going to go out on a limb and assume they’re not even paying you for gas.” ~ Fall_Relic
“NTA, I can understand your mom with a defined medical issue preventing her from driving, and her in the past helping you.”
“Now your sister is 29 and able-bodied, many folks have anxiety and get therapy or medication to treat it and go on to driving and working… so your sister is just plain lazy.” ~ bill-schick
Reddit is with you, OP.
That is your car, your rules.
Your sister is old enough to care for herself.
Don’t let your family take advantage of you.
Good Luck.