Friendship shouldn't be transactional, but it does need to be reciprocal. If one person is contributing, but the other only takes, the person doesn't have a friend, they have a parasite.
A woman whose friend showed their true colors turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SadEngineering7783 asked:
"AITA for not letting my friend use the photographer she refused to hire with me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) just graduated with my PhD in the United States. I’m an international student and my family couldn’t afford to fly in, so I was alone."
"Months ago I asked my best friend/roommate 'Elena' (also graduating) to split a photographer. Elena is American."
"She said it was a waste of money. I even asked if her family could take a few pics of me on their phone, and she said no because they’d be too busy focusing on her."
"At graduation, a rep from my country’s consulate came to congratulate me and asked if I needed anything. I asked for a couple photos on my phone for my parents. He ended up calling their official media photographer, who came and took photos/videos of me."
"Elena saw this and ran over asking if he could also film her walking on stage and do a full photoshoot of her with her parents, friends, and advisor."
"I told her she could ask him but I wasn’t comfortable asking because I didn’t hire him, he's an employee of the consulate and he was there for official reasons."
"She called me selfish, stormed off, and later texted me uninviting me from the graduation party we’d planned for weeks, saying I ruined her day and she is not comfortable seeing me."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I understand why I might be the a**hole because I refused to ask the consulate photographer to also take photos and videos for my friend during the ceremony."
"Even though I didn’t hire the photographer myself and he was there through the consulate for official purposes, I still could have asked or tried to include her instead of immediately saying I wasn’t comfortable with it."
"From her perspective, she was stressed about not having any photos or videos, and my refusal may have come across as selfish or like I was gatekeeping the photographer, which is why she got upset with me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So it's okay for her to treat you as so unimportant that she couldn't be bothered to ask her family to take a couple of pics for you to send to your parents but you're supposed to feel bad for not facilitating a photo shoot for her?"
"Why? What has she done for you to drop this in her lap?"
"Sounds like this is par for the course from Elena so why do you feel bad for people who show you they don't respect you?"
"Love, thicken your skin. People like Elena will always use guilt and manipulation to get what they want. Your job is not to fall for it. NTA." ~ Mammoth-Direction789
"NTA. Elena is not your friend. She is treating you poorly." ~ Lactating-almonds
"Not only is Elena treating OP poorly, she also sounds like a user." ~ kipsterdude
"Seriously, she wouldn't even have ONE member of her family take a photo of OP? That is not the kind of friend anyone needs in their life." ~ ExcitementStrict7115
"Yea, Elena wants ALL of the attention and is just mad that the universe doesn't actually revolve around her. NTA." ~ Anianna
"NTA. She wouldn't even give you the bare minimum and ask one of her family members to take a phone photo so why would you stick your neck out and ask someone you didn't even hire to take photos of her. She just got the shits because you ended up 'better' than her." ~ CrabbiestAsp
"NTA. She’s not your friend. She refused to split a photographer, refused to ask her family to take a few phone pics of you, and then tried to get you to give her the photographer from the consulate? Yeah, she sounds really self-centered and is best left behind." ~ Amazing_Mr_Cat
"NTA. Congrats on getting minted. It’s cool that someone from the consulate came to congratulate you, and generous of them to provide you with their photographer. You’ve done nothing wrong. You also weren’t being selfish; it’s not like you prevented her from asking him to take photos." ~ usefully_useless
"NTA and Congrats on your graduation. So cool that someone from the consulate in your country came and upon you requesting a few pictures arranged for their photographer to snap a few."
"Enjoy your special moment. Elena is just salty that you got something special that she didn't get. I can't stand people who don't want to have much to do with you until you have something they want." ~ SwimChemical345
"NTA. She’s not your friend. She refused to split a photographer, refused to ask her family to take a few phone pics of you, and then tried to get you to give her the photographer from the consulate? Yeah, she sounds really self-centered and is best left behind." ~ usefully_useless
"She wouldn't even let her family take a phone pic of you, but expected a literal consulate photographer to do a whole photoshoot for her? NTA." ~ xysxaah
"OP should’ve said that the photographer would be too busy concentrating on OP to take any pics of her."
"OP, please reconsider this friendship. This person sounds mean and insufferable and not even a friend. NTA." ~ heatherlj88
"NTA, she was fully prepared to not let you get anything, so why should she get to benefit from your solution when her parents will be doing it for her?" ~ Urbanyeti0
"So Elena is not a citizen of the country from which you and this consulate representative originate, correct? You are very much NTA!" ~ sassythehorse
"NTA. Elena sounds insufferably selfish and borderline cruel." ~ srpollo18
"NTA. You didn’t hire a professional photographer, a professional photographer was gifted to you from your consulate."
"And she is not your friend. This was an important moment in your life and she didn’t even care that your family couldn’t make it?"
"A real friend would have told their family and made sure they got pictures and video for you to send to your family, a best friend wouldn’t even have to be asked because best friends ARE family and they would already be including you in everything anyway, aware of the familial absence and probably gave your mom’s number and would have FaceTimed the event so they could watch live." ~ neogoddess
"I love how her fam wouldn’t have the time to snap a few photos because they’d be focused on her, but then Elena wanted a few photos, and even a video taken of her, when OP would be the focus. It’s wild lacking this much self awareness." ~ Top_Understanding_26
"I can't imagine asking my family to take just a couple of photos of my friend at graduation and my family saying 'nah, we're too focused on you'."
"My dad does not take good pictures and there is a good chance my parents wouldn't recognize the person to take photos of during the ceremony. But they would at least try. I refuse to believe Elena's family is actually this rude and it's just Elena tripping." ~ rando24183
"First of all, congratulations OP! This is a huge milestone. Second, Elena is not your friend. You didn't say no. She didn't ask the photographer directly because she knew it was not appropriate and now she's overreacting and being defensive because she knows she mistreated you before."
"But instead of being honest and apologizing, she is guilt tripping you to make herself feel better. Maybe she's just immature but when people show their true colours, believe them. Enjoy your career and life knowing this. NTA." ~ Murderousplantmom
"NTA, what you told her was the truth. If she tries to badmouth you to others you just have to explain that it was the consulate's photographer there in an official capacity to photograph your graduation because you are from that country. It's that simple." ~ kurokomainu
"NTA. She couldn’t even get someone to take photos of you on a phone. She is an AH. Congratulations on graduating! She can’t uninvite you for a party that you also helped organise. You can still go if your friends are going." ~ SpecialModusOperandi
"NTA, but I would show up to the party anyways and gift her a disposable camera. I'm petty though, don't listen to me except the NTA part." ~ JazzyEm
"NTA. Tough way to find out your roommate isn’t in fact a true friend, but a soon to be memory. She just ruined the friendship by being selfish, presumptuous, and entitled." ~ Hutchoman87
"NTA. As you said, you were not paying the professional photographer in question. It's incredibly presumptuous of anyone to think that they should ask a professional, who makes their living that way, to do more than they are being paid to do."
"Your reply was perfect. Your roommate/ex-friend should have been uncomfortable, with herself, for being so incredibly selfish." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
OP's leaving school, and a fake friend, behind. It might be painful, but it sounds like it's for the best.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts