We might be able to choose the landmarks we want to live close to, and we might be in a good enough financial situation to be selective about the neighborhood and home we want to live in.
But we don't get to choose our next-door neighbors, and sometimes that's a problem, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Maleficent-Book8101 thought that she had a good relationship with her next-door neighbor, an arrangement in which they'd help each other out when they really needed the support.
But when her neighbor started to ask her more and more favors, and even questioned the validity of her being busy with other things, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure she should continue to be "neighborly" to him anymore.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for refusing to help my neighbor after years of him taking advantage of me?"
The OP had a nice arrangement with her next-door neighbor, for a while.
"I (26 Female) am a person who has a neighbor named Mark (28 Male)."
"In the beginning, we were good friends. We had fun together, exchanged small favors, and generally had a good neighborly relationship."
"However, over the years, the picture changed. My small favors grew into doing everything for this man."
Mark asked for more and more complicated favors.
"First, it started with such insignificant stuff as carrying packages when he was not at home."
"Then it became watering the plants, going to get groceries, and looking after his dog. I did not mind any of these things at first until I understood that I was basically his assistant."
"The final step took place last month. Mark had to travel for four days, and he asked me to look after his dog during this period."
"I agreed, because I genuinely like his dog and I thought that it would be no trouble."
The OP knew there was a problem afoot when Mark pushed her boundaries.
"However, the day before his departure, he casually informed me that he would need me for nine days, not four."
"I told him that I could not do that, as I work and have other commitments."
"He got mad at me and argued that it was not any hard job; it was basically feeding the dog and letting it out. I told him that no."
"His reaction was that I was being selfish, because I 'had always helped before.'"
"I reminded him about our agreement and that he could not just change terms after we agreed."
"He had to hire somebody to look after his dog. When he came back, he practically did not say a word to me."
He continued to press her for more favors when he got back from his trip.
"A few days later, he again needed my help and asked if I could take him to the airport because his ride was cancelled. I told him that I could not."
"He actually laughed and said, 'Wow. So you are done being a nice neighbor now?'"
"This comment made me mad. I told him that being a nice neighbor does not mean always being available."
"He tried to use the example of the time when he helped me a year ago when I needed to move some furniture to another floor."
"It seems that for him, this one-time favor makes me indebted to him forever."
"After that incident, I stopped helping him with anything at all. Of course, I am polite to him, and I still greet him if I meet him, but I no longer offer my assistance."
When Mark didn't get his way, he got other neighbors involved.
"Yesterday, Mark complained to another neighbor that I have 'changed' and that he cannot understand why I treat him like a stranger now."
"Another neighbor told me that it is better to leave it and to act 'like neighbors' do."
"Now I wonder if I was unreasonable. I do not think that I have any obligations towards anybody because of my previous generosity."
"On the other hand, I feel guilty, because I liked this person and could have established some boundaries much earlier, instead of suddenly stopping my favors."
"Am I wrong for refusing to keep helping a neighbor who started treating my kindness like an obligation?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that the neighbor was being entitled and abusing her kindness.
"He is taking advantage of you because you are a woman. Do you really think he would be asking a 26-year-old man for so much help?" - tattoovamp
"NOR. He definitely got way too comfortable treating your kindness like a standing subscription service." - CandyxxCore
"NOR. He's a manipulative user. Cut him loose."
"He's acting outrageous. His anger and pushing back at your no is a huge red flag. I'd never again do a thing for this person."
"Also, trying to make you feel obligated to him for once helping move some furniture? Get the f**k out of here." - fastates
"Honestly, he was kind of acting like you were his girlfriend/significant other instead of ‘just’ neighbors."
"Also, if you want a cop-out to any other neighbors butting in, just say that your life got too busy or stressful. You do not have to explain that the busyness is binge-watching TV, reading a book, etc."
"Or if you think they will try to tell you why busy, then go with, 'Work is so stressful right now, I cannot take on any other responsibilities.' If you'll be home, just say it's a work-from-home arrangement."
"Please realize that you shouldn't HAVE to do any of this, but if he won't take 'no' for an answer, red flags everywhere, but some of these might at least help." - BarTony670
"If it’s 'not a big deal' for you to help him, then he should have no trouble finding someone else. He’s not entitled to your time."
"I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already tried this with others, and they got tired of him." - writesgud
"In this day and age, with Uber and Lyft, there is no excuse to ask for a ride to an airport. His ride was cancelled? He was probably lying. He just didn’t want to pay cab fare… or a dog Kennel... or… or… or..."
"He's abusing your kindness in the name of being 'good neighbors,' but how has he been a good neighbor to you?"
"I’m guessing he will keep asking for favors, OP, and you're WELCOME to say no." - Southern-Midnight741
"I've lived next to my neighbor for 20 years, and I've only spoken to him one time when his tree fell on my power line. I don't even know his name. We wave to each other when we see each other, but that's it."
"So being 'like neighbors' to me means being polite strangers." - Maximum_Yogurt_1630
Others pointed out that the opinionated "act like neighbors" households could pick up the slack.
"NOR. The next time a neighbour tells you to keep being of service, ask them for their phone numbers so you can pass them on to Mark. They won't mind being his free dog sitter/chauffeur/lackey, will they?" - Fast_Question4794
"Tell the neighbor they can now be his unpaid gopher. NOR." - Substantial_Shoe_360
"Tell the neighbor who wants you to be neighborly that it's their job now to be his personal assistant and be at his beck and call." - witchymoon69
"NOR. Let that neighbor take a turn walking the dog for nine days on no notice and see how fast their opinion changes. Easy to preach 'be neighborly' when you are not the one whose plans keep getting run over." - babydoodle91
"NOR. Who was the 'assistant' before you? I bet it was the neighbor. They’re probably afraid he will start asking them for favors again now that you aren't being a 'good neighbor.' Either way, keep saying no." - pitgirl235
"NOR. It’s very hard for someone to take advantage of you, unless you let them. You were very kind to help him at first, and it just built from there."
"Good for you for putting a stop to his abusing your friendship."
"If anyone says you should still help out, let them know that they are welcome to do all of his 'requests' for a year. Only then might they have a right to an opinion." - -Bake4fun-
"You are not overreacting. He's clearly treating you this way because you are female. He wouldn't ask any of his male neighbors for this many favors."
"But this dude is super cheap. I would just start invoicing him. 'Oh, you want me to watch your dog for nine days? That's nine days at $50 a day.'"
"'You need me to drive you to the airport? That's 40 bucks for an Uber fee.'"
"I wouldn't be surprised if he just sees your friendship as a relationship instead. It usually takes men to their 30s to mature enough to understand why any of this is ridiculous. I wouldn't spend any time trying to explain it to him."
"There's very little chance he would ask another guy to do all these favors and chores, and if I'm being blunt, there's very little chance another guy would oblige beyond the third or fourth ask unless Mark was, perhaps, elderly."
"The other neighbor saying that you should be 'neighborly' and accommodating also wouldn't say that to a non-retired (younger) man who presumably has other, higher value things with his time. I don't always think that gender matters, but I do believe it factors here." - Ordinary-Anywhere328
"NOR. How dare you have a life that does not revolve around being at the beck and call of your neighbors and filling their every single need?"
"Your neighbor's and other neighbors' opinions are not accurate. What they think is no reflection of the reality of this. But if your other neighbors think you should just keep being an unpaid worker for him, then surely THEY can do all of your neighbor's chores for them; it's their turn now."
"When he says you have changed, he is correct. You are no longer his doormat to be walked all over. Congratulations on standing up to him!" - Spookendocker1
There's nothing wrong with being kind and neighborly, but unless close friends or family live next door to each other, there have to be firm limits to what is neighborly and what is entitled.
The guy may have enjoyed having someone in his life that he could lean on, but if he wasn't reciprocating, and if he couldn't respect when the OP didn't have time, it was clear that the neighborly perks needed to be cut off immediately.
