Many people grew up with the directive to respect their elders. But does respect guarantee being at their beck and call 24/7/365?
A man dealing with a very entitled elderly neighbor turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Petersonpoke98 asked:
"AITA for ignoring my elderly neighbors phone calls?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, male), live with my wife and kids above an elderly woman with a back injury. Now, I've known this woman, and have had an opinion about her before I even moved here."
"I work at a grocery store, doing online shopping, and she's known as a pain for calling for oddly specific requests (like making sure we give her the specific sodium amount in 0.75 lbs of sliced turkey)."
"Anyways, she asks me consistently for small favors now, a ride to the doctor, bringing her laundry up and down for her. Her son lives with her but works during the day, he comes home when he can if she needs, but he can't always."
"Well, yesterday I missed a call from her while I was showering, on a small break from a split 16-hour shift, before a nap."
"The voicemail said she blew a circuit and couldn't find her glasses to see which one was blown. I was exhausted. Just wanted to sleep. So I put my phone on silent and went to sleep."
"I wake up to 7 missed calls, and angry texts about how my car is here so she knows I'm here, etc... I ignored it, got ready, went to leave to go back to work. She stopped me in the hall and started berating me for leaving her stuck in the dark and for how I have no respect."
"I told her I needed to go to work, quickly checked her breaker box (I just flipped every switch; problem fixed), and went to work."
"It's kind of odd, because things I offer to do, like bring her groceries home with me since she orders from my store anyways, and it would save her the delivery fee, she won't utilize. But then when I try to tell her I can't help with something sudden, she tries to work her way around it to a point where I feel bad if I don't do it."
"I do feel I'm being taken advantage of a bit. I think I've always kept a 'respect elders' mindset, and haven't had a point up until now where an elder if pushing my boundaries this much."
"I think what bothered me most, is the 'I couldn't find my glasses' excuse doesn't work with a circuit breaker. I didn't use my vision. I just felt until I found the switch that wasn't stiff."
"She definitely could've done it herself. And after asking my wife, I found out it was just the circuit breaker to her clothes dryer and the hallway light. It didn't affect her apartment at all. So she wasn't 'sitting in the dark'."
"When I say apartment, I live in a northern state where things are a bit different. Most houses were built as 2 or 3 story family homes, and are now separated into apartments. So it's just us and her. The landlord lives in a different city."
"I don't know if the neighbors beforehand helped her the same way. It's a two-story apartment/house; we live upstairs, she lives downstairs, completely separated. She's been here a long time, from what I gather from the landlord."
"Her son lives with her but works a full-time job during the day as well. Unless it's for a scheduled appointment, or something urgent, she does usually tell me 'I can wait for my son to get home if you can't' when she asks for something."
"So I guess my question is, AITA for ignoring her knowing she was in the dark because I was trying to get to sleep?"
OP later added:
"While at work today, she called me, not my cell phone, my works store number to be connected directly to me, to ask her to pick up her meds for her and that she already called the pharmacist and had it already set up. This is too much."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You're not her caretaker. She can get one, and leave you alone." ~ TrickyParsley269
"Exactly, calling seven times and checking parking spots for a car is stalker territory, not neighborly assistance." ~ Qyronval
"If she can make out OP's car in the parking lot, she can flip her own breakers." ~ Blurgas
"Yep, and if she can see well enough to use her phone, she can flip her own breakers. And if she can use her phone, she can call the landlord." ~ nom-d-pixel
"She says anything else or contacts you again suggest she move into assisted living if she requires that much support." ~ dragonbornsqrl
"She can also get a flashlight so she can find her glasses...." ~ LimpySpot
"Just tell her that she needs a backup. You don't mind helping occasionally, but you can't always help, and in those cases, she will need to harass someone else. Also be sure to tell her that helping her is a favor and not your job." ~ Fearless-Increase-57
"Right, don't just give a reason for this instance, make sure to be straight with her on the parameters of your relationship overall." ~ blanketed_in_stars
"Don’t even tell her you’ll help on occasion, these types of people will take so much advantage of that line. I’d block her number or change mine, and ask her to please stop harassing me otherwise you’ll take legal action."
"She needs to find a caregiver or move into assisted living." ~ PerceptionSlow2116
"Actually, he probably was her backup to someone else being endlessly bothered by her and finally washed their hands of her. He now must do the same. NTA." ~ Accurate_Elevator368
"NTA. Defend your boundaries. You have your own family to care for." ~ OPtig
"But don't justify or explain. That just gives them a way in."
Learn these phrases: 'No, I can't do that.' 'I'm not going to do that.' 'No thanks.' 'That doesn't fit into my schedule.' 'That won't work for me.' Let them become your friends."
"And call Adult Protective Services to check in on her. She needs proper care." ~ rora_borealis
"NTA and it sounds like she not only has gotten way too used to you guys doing things to help her, she doesn't appreciate it and expects it and feels entitled at this point."
"So I think you need to tell her that from now on, you cannot come and help with every single little thing and she's going to have to find or hire somebody to call upon. That if it's an actual urgent emergency, she can call on you guys, but you cannot continue to keep helping with every single little thing.
"And that she better never continually call you and berate you for not answering again, or that will be the last time you ever help her even in an emergency."
"Don't feel badly saying this! She obviously needs to hear it like it is without sugar." ~ flynena-3
"Couldn't she have called maintenance to help? She's not your responsibility at all. She's not your family, and she has a son to help her, and they probably benefit from you taking unnecessary responsibilities."
"She's a neighbor taking advantage of you. Someone kind and thankful wouldn't have reacted the way she did, but she feels entitled to you and your time. If her son isn't available, they both need to find services that will help her." ~ Inside-Athlete6631
"If the landlord lives in a different city, they should have someone to call for maintenance emergencies. Not that this was an emergency, but there should be someone to call for issues with the building." ~ Spun_On_
"She's taking complete advantage of you and the entitlement‽ My word, doesn't she have relatives? I would block her. It's ok to be neighborly, but you shouldn't be berated for not being at her beck and call." ~ Wise_Perception_1473
"NTA. You need to get her son’s number and call him every time she needs help. Maybe he’ll realize she can’t be there by herself. ~ Deemon1211
"If her son lives with her, he’s ultimately responsible as her first call. There needs to be a backup plan for when he’s not available. And the backup shouldn’t be you since you have to work for a living as well. ~ lbethsalander
"Ask her if she'd like you to help her son find her a caretaker or a home. She'll stop badgering you. ~ ubiquitous_apathy
"Send her a bill for services rendered. Tell her openly and honestly that you have a job, you have responsibilities, including bills to pay, and when you help her because her son isn't there, you need to be compensated."
"Charge by the hour for each call-out. Need to go downstairs and flip a breaker? That's an hour. Need to answer phone calls? Each one is an hour."
"When she tries to guilt you about it, saying 'you're just in it for the money,' you reply, 'Yes, ma'am, I have a full-time job just like your son, but I am here, and he's not, so that's costing me instead of him. Talk to him about your needs if you want free labor. NOT my responsibility!'." ~ Middle-Recipe6701
OP tried to be respectful and neighborly. It only led to demands and entitlement.
Sounds like it's time to tell the neighbor to lose his phone number.
