Who doesn't feel flattered by receiving a love letter?
It's such a lovely expression of feelings.
Unless it's from a person who is going to destroy everyone's lives.
Some people may want to rethink writing love letters.
Maybe get a therapist instead.
Redditor Decent-Owl-2955 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for wanting my stepdaughter banned from my house for entertaining my son in law's letter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I each entered the marriage with one daughter."
"My daughter Holly is 34, and my stepdaughter Tessa is 29."
"We have been together since they were 15 and 10."
"The girls never had a close sister-like relationship, but they never had problems either."
"Holly is married with two children."
"Tessa is a single mother and has a daughter."
"Holly's husband Rick works pretty closely with Tessa, and recently our family imploded when Rick wrote Tessa a love letter."
"The gist of it is he thinks he has only stayed with Holly for these years to be close to Tessa."
"He thinks he always knew it, but he had a big realization when he was fighting with Holly, and Tessa laughed at them and choked on some water she was drinking, and it made him realize that Holly never laughs."
"He called her 'vibrant' and 'alive' and implied her daughter is happier than his children, because Tessa is just so wonderful and he wants to raise his kids around her 'light.'"
"Holly called me in tears."
"She knew they had been having problems, but she had never expected anything like that."
"Tessa called her dad pretty upset and swore nothing had ever happened between them (and I do believe her)."
"She said she just thought of him as a good friend, and they did spend significant time together based on work and their daughters being close."
"Then she said something that really pissed me off."
"She said what he did was inappropriate, but 'who could blame him.'"
"I asked her to elaborate on what that meant, and my husband told me to leave Tessa alone."
"Holly kicked Rick out and filed for divorce, and she is absolutely reeling."
"She was a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome] mother and has no idea what she is going to do long term."
"Recently, Tessa confessed to my husband that she knows what Rick did wasn't ok, but she kept the letter and reads it sometimes, because it is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to her."
"That infuriated me, and I told my husband that he is welcome to have any relationship he wants with Tessa outside of my house."
"I don't want to have to host her."
"I don't want Holly to have to see her at holidays."
"My husband says I am being unfair and Tessa 'can't help it' and I have no right to ban anyone from our marital home."
"I don't blame Tessa for what Rick did, but I blame her for her nonchalant attitude."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A-hole.
"YTA. It doesn’t sound like Tessa encouraged the relationship, responded to the letter, or cheated."
"Maybe she does have a stronger-than-needed ego, but that seems to be her worst crime."
"If you ice her out of the family, I think the only sensible thing to do would be for her dad to divorce you, which I hope he does."
"I understand you feel bad for Holly, and it would be nice for Tessa to have a bit more empathy, but if her only crime is being flattered, then you are way out of line." ~ Background-Egg-5702
'The wild thing here is OP seems more angry with Tessa than with her ex-son-in-law."
"The one who caused this whole mess."
"OP, you said that you don't blame her for what Rick did, but it seems like you are. You're just trying to justify it by saying it's because of her 'nonchalant attitude.'" ~ IceSeeker
"YTA. She didn’t do anything?"
"Blaming a woman for a man’s actions is wild." ~ boomzgoesthedynamite
"YTA. She didn’t do anything?"
"Blaming a woman for a man’s actions is wild." ~ boomzgoesthedynamite
"I agree."
"Maybe Tessa does think Holly sucks."
"Maybe Holly is awful."
"As such, maybe Tessa felt like she was validated in making that comment to her dad (maybe she and her dad both agree Holly sucks)—saying something off the cuff in a private conversation with a confidant is not the same as telling someone you know will be hurt by your comments."
"Dad is the A-hole for breaking his daughter’s confidence and telling mom something that he knows will hurt her." ~ faylillman
"My thought on that comment by Tessa was that perhaps there is a lot of fighting and unhappiness in the marriage."
"Especially if it seems to someone outside the relationship that she not picks or nag him, treats him badly."
"I gauge this on OP’s statement of his 'realization' during a fight with his wife while Tessa was present and Tessa laughed."
"I am guessing the fight wasn’t about anything important if she laughed at it."
"Though if that’s the case, then she’s an a** as well." ~ Fyrefly1981
"YTA. Tessa has done absolutely nothing; it is not her fault what Rick did."
"You have no right to ban your husband's daughter from visiting him at his house."
"I understand that Tessa and Holly should not be in the same space at the same time, but that doesn't mean Tessa should be banned outright." ~ Marz_Bar169
"I understand that Tessa and Holly should not be in the same space at the same time, but that doesn't mean Tessa should be ban outright."
"OP never said that Holly knows about the comments."
"This all seems to be conversations between a father and his daughter that his wife (OP) is getting involved in."
"If Tessa were to say these things to Holly or if she were to act by starting to date Rick, then I agree they shouldn't be in the same space, but if Holly finds out because OP tells her something Tessa said to her father in confidence, that's just making OP even more of an a**hole than she's already portraying herself to be here." ~ Comedy86
"YTA, Tessa is wrong for reacting the way she did, but she also admits it's inappropriate and has never acted on it."
"You are not just banning her from her home; you are banning her from her father's home."
"You seem to forget it is not only your house, and that is not your decision to make alone." ~ AllAboutTheQueso
"YTA. Tessa isn’t keeping the letter because she has feelings for Rick; she’s keeping it because no one in her life says anything nice to her, and that’s all she has."
"You want her to get rid of it?"
"Try being kind to her and helping her feel good about herself so she doesn’t have to turn to her sister’s horrible ex for kind words."
"Ostracizing her from her family will only make things worse." ~ Calligraphee
"YTA: Trying to ban my daughter from my home is a quick ticket for you to get out of my life. "
"You’ve vastly misdirected your anger and are doing nothing to help a chaotic situation." ~ RatBert66
"YTA - Rock is the problem, and you’re blaming your stepdaughter."
"I know Holly hurts, and you’re hurting for them, but this is a problem with Holly’s husband."
"You’re lashing out at the only person you can get access to."
"You need to go to therapy, and your daughter should as well." ~ Sufficient_Tune_2638
"YTA."
"You’re letting Rick tear apart your entire family."
"Tessa hasn’t received many compliments if that letter is a representation of something she is missing in her life."
"If you block Tessa from the 'family home,' chances are you won’t have a family."
"I hope her dad picks Tessa."
"She’s done nothing wrong." ~ stberg40
"YTA. This is all incredibly General Hospital."
"And most of it doesn't involve you directly."
"But if you hold the position you're taking, it's going to screw up your own marriage."
"I get where you're coming from."
"What happened to your daughter is horrible."
"I, too, would want to protect my child."
"But your stepdaughter isn't at fault for this."
"She didn't make him leave his wife."
"She can't help that she finds the letter flattering."
"If she and your ex-son-in-law get together, we can revisit who is the a**hole."
"Right now you're on raw nerves and lashing out." ~ Keyguardactive
"YTA. Tessa didn’t do anything."
"She didn’t act on anything or say anything."
"She is a single mother, and she confessed to her father that she kept the letter."
"So what?"
"She didn’t rub it on Holly’s face."
"Banning her from his father’s house is wild, and your husband is correct; you have no right."
"If Holly doesn’t want to be in the same place with Tessa for a while, it’s understandable, but even then it should be Holly who should skip the events, not Tessa."
"You have no right to punish a woman who did nothing wrong." ~ vortexaoth
"YTA, Rick is the villain here."
"Tessa is just collateral."
"If Tessa starts to date Rick, by all means ban her."
"But disowning a daughter you've raised for 15 years because she checks notes, reads a letter sometimes is wildly overreacting."
"Don't blow up your family over this. "
"Stay strong, bring each other closer."
"You could either start a sibling war that will rip your blended family apart forever, or you could help heal the rift."
"You're going down a path that could end in your own divorce right now." ~ odamado
Reddit has a lot of issues with your behavior, OP.
This is definitely a VERY messy situation.
Rick is the guilty party.
Don't let this ruin your own relationship.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp