Dating, while romantic, is an early stage of a relationship where couples become acquainted before entering a more serious phase.
One Redditor who doesn’t think twice about helping others with considerate gestures was conflicted when the person they were dating clashed over a small favor while at a party.
Confused about what had happened, they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked strangers to offer judgment over the situation.
There, Redditor Important-Pianist783 asked:
“AITA for leaving a party because my date refused to get me water?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I had been seeing someone I met through mutual friends. We’d had good times one-on-one, and when he invited me to events with his friends, I’d contribute to the group dynamic by never showing up empty-handed and offering to grab drinks for others.”
“Fast forward to a holiday-themed party with his friends. My date and I planned to meet there and hang out afterward. I spent the day cleaning my condo and preparing mulled wine to bring. During the party, people were getting drinks for one another, including me when I served the wine.”
The OP continued:
“At one point, I was sitting on the couch, blocked in by only my date on one side and many others on my other side. I was tired and didn’t feel like tightly squeezing past people I didn’t know, so I asked my date if he could grab me a glass of water.”
“He shook his head and after I said ‘huh’ he said, ‘No. I was just up, and you could’ve asked before I sat down again.’ I was taken aback because I view small gestures, like grabbing water, as basic acts of care for friends, but especially for someone you’re dating.”
“That moment, combined with a long day of preparation, left me feeling drained. Since the party was winding down and I didn’t have the energy to engage further, I said my goodbyes and called a ride.
“My date offered to walk me out and said he felt hurt that I was leaving. I explained I needed to recharge but that he was welcome to come over after the party.”
This turned out not to be an open-shut case.
As we walked out, I jokingly mentioned how him not getting me water surprised me. He replied, ‘Wow, that really upset you, huh? I have to be guarded about these things, you know.’ ”
“Later, we texted, but he seemed more upset about me leaving than interested in listening to why I felt drained. When I tried to call, he didn’t answer. His texts were curt, and I eventually told him I’d let him decompress.”
“Two days later, I called to discuss what happened. He said he’d call that evening but didn’t reach out until three days later, saying, ‘I’m not dodging you, I’ve just been busy.’ At that point, I was over it, especially since he never acknowledged the misunderstanding or my attempts to resolve it.”
“A month later, we finally had a conversation. He explained that getting me water felt ‘subservient’ and was something I had to earn through time and ‘being in the trenches with him.’ He also said I didn’t understand how busy his life was (for context, I work multiple jobs). I calmly explained that grabbing water for someone isn’t about being subservient but a small act of kindness.”
“After reflecting, I feel his responses and handling of the situation were disrespectful and indicative of bigger issues.”
“So, is there an a**hole here? I appreciate the perspective.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA and his use of the word subservient and his need to have his ego stroked for ‘being so busy’ make me wonder if he’s the worst kind of chauvinist. Just let him go. Not worth it.” – Shells17619
“The whole time she was grabbing drinks for him and everyone else, did he just think it was ok for her to be ‘subservient’ in the relationship, but if she finally asks for him to return the favor then she has to earn it?”
“That’s not a relationship. That’s toxic.” – urawizrdarry
“NTA, you’re within your rights to feel turned off by this, i would be too. It’s not like you’re constantly asking him to get you things, it’s just one tiny favor.”
“small acts of kindness go a long way in building a connection and he couldn’t even be bothered to do that much? He believes it’s ‘subservient’ to get your date a glass of water? Consider yourself lucky, You dodged a bullet.” – omek_sisi
“That ‘need to be guarded’ comment was your welcome into a world of weirdness from this dude. Let him frolic in the manosphere on his own.”
“You dodged a bullet.”
“NTA.” – AgileSurprise1966
“Totally NTA, getting someone a glass of water is just common courtesy! If he’s so transactional he can even do a common courtesy, throw the whole man out. He will never prioritize you.”
“Also, I may be out of touch, but what the hall does ‘spend time in the trenches with him’ mean? Are they going into battle or something?” – kc2sunshine
“You are NTA for leaving the party. But you should really think about why you kept pursuing this person for weeks afterwards when they had clearly either lost interest completely or was playing some emotionally manipulative game by making you feel you were in the wrong. Don’t fall for it. They are not worth a single moment more of your time. “ – blitzen_13
“You are NTA. This seems to be a bigger issue than just water. He could have asked if you needed something when he went earlier before he sat down. He could have said ‘I just sat down’ or ‘I’m talking to someone right now’ and ‘…but let me get up so you can go get some’ or something considerate. It seems, instead, to have been an opening for him to start some shit with you.”
“Who needs that? I think I’d just move on, and let him stand up for his rights or something with someone who gives a sh*t.” – Mysterious_Spark
“NTA; and I’m getting narc vibes here. Anyone who attempts to manipulate you to think YOUR feelings are an assault on them deserves no more air time. To put in perspective: He was not willing to get you a glass of WATER and he’s making you feel guilty for asking for it.”
“Please let this guy go and save yourself.” – Cool-Sympathy916
“NTA. Making mulled wine for a holiday-themed party with his friends is such an awesome gift. I would bend over backwards for any guest who brought such a treat. I echo most everyone’s comments here that he is probably listening to red pill stuff on the Internet and not really realizing that relationships are reciprocal.” – Jellybear135
“NTA I never say this, but so very many red flags. Run. Him describing being asked to get water for you as being forced to be subservient, I’m assuming he actually means emasculated and if that’s the case, can you imagine what he’ll be like when you actually get to know each other? Run.” – iheartwords
“NTA. The fact that he thinks getting u water is ‘subservient’ and something u have to ‘earn’ is just…wtf? It shows a really messed up power dynamic he has in mind. Plus, his whole reaction after u left, the ghosting, and then the excuses? Nah, he sounds immature and like he doesn’t respect you. You def dodged a bullet. I wouldn’t waste any more time on someone like that.” – Starryfernn
“NTA. This is a man who sees himself as more than you because you’re a woman. He thinks getting you some water is being subservient. This is a man who, if he becomes a father, will leave every single aspect of parenting to the mother of his child.”
“He doesn’t see you as his equal. He wants you to ‘prove’ yourself to him. I’d say he’s already proved himself to you and it’s not pretty.”
“Trust your instincts on this one. Throw him back.” – PersimmonBasket
“NTA. The ‘water is subservient’ take is next level 😂. You were just asking for a basic courtesy, especially after a long day of prepping for the party. It’s not about earning it; it’s about being considerate. If getting a glass of water is that deep for him, imagine dealing with actual big issues later on. You might want to keep your hydration and your peace in check moving forward!” – MaricarMischief
“NTA. You made mulled wine for the party, and he wouldn’t even get you some water? He will claim that you are overreacting, but a small gesture of kindness does a lot to make people feel closer to someone else.”
“Withholding those gestures can make someone question whether or not the relationship is worth continuing, particularly if it happens often or routinely. Why accept a situation where you are worse off than you would be if alone?” – No_Philosopher_1870
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s leaving the party early was warranted, given the bizarre exchange with the date.
They also thought his claim about being asked to get someone a glass of water was far from being “subservient” and was more of a common courtesy.
Redditors encouraged the OP that his behavior and interpretation of the thoughtful gesture of fulfilling a simple request was a major red flag.