When sharing a home with a roommate, it's always a somewhat delicate line to decide what is shared and what is communal.
Generally speaking, it's understood that anything in one's bedroom are not things that are shared between one another, and require permission before being borrowed or used.
Conversely, things in communal spaces like the bathroom and the kitchen, such as paper towels and toilet paper, are generally considered fair game.
Perhaps the most delicate balancing act of all when it comes to sharing between roommates is food.
Redditor Own-Chocolate-3800 thought they had a strong understanding about communal items with their roommate.
Until that is, the original poster (OP) found herself berated by her roommate after eating a certain food.
Leading the OP to mandate a significant change when it came to communal food with her roommate.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I tell my roommate that I will no longer be buying communal snacks/ snacks for both of us?"
The OP explained why she was hesitant to buy any more communal food for her and her roommate:
"I (25 F[emale]) work from home as a remote administrative assisstant while building on a few entrepreneurial ventures and my roommate (25 F) is a full time university student."
"Naturally I earn more, and therefore I pay a lot of the household things that her parents pay for her."
"My parents also pay a few things here and there as my monthly income is not enough for full independence from them yet."
"We do not always buy groceries and snacks for sharing, but when we do, it is something we both want or she will use ingredients we both provided to make food for the week."
"Between the 2 of us she enjoys cooking more so we balance it with she cooks and I clean up most days."
"The problem comes in when I happen to be the one to finish something deemed 'communal'."
"It does not matter if it has been in the house 1 week or 3 months."
"If I finish it, she goes off on me for using something she had a plan for, or she suddenly craves it after it is now finished."
"I have never reacted that way when she finishes things I made/bought for both of us as it is sometimes just how it pans out."
"It is starting to become a thing even for fresh produce."
"I finished some cherry tomatoes the other day, and when she asked me if I have eaten that day, as she was making food at the time, and I said I had the tomatoes with toast, she said that she had plans with them."
"She however didn't tell me she wanted to use them later that day."
"So I am anxious to even eat the things I bought for the both of us because what if i get the last one of whatever and she wanted it later that day?"
"As I am typing this, I really doubt whether it is worth arguing over, but it has really happened one too many times for me to ignore."
"Sorry this is so long, but maybe I can get some outside perspective to help process a resolution."
"Will I be the a**hole if I tell her that this is why I will not be buying snacks for both of us anymore and we must buy and store our own out of communal areas?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks HerI
- NFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to buy any more communal food for her and her roommate.
Everyone agreed that as that food was communal, the OP's roommate had no right to get angry at her for eating it.
And if she planned on using it, she needed to give the OP some advanced notice:
"NTA"
"Don't argue about it, simply state your boundaries."
"Y'all can buy meals together-you cook, I'll clean."
"But everything else is separate."- SecretCartographer28
"NTA, either their communal or there not."
"You have just as much right to eat them as she has."
"Explain to her how exactly communal works."
"Try and come up with something that you're both happy with."
"Tell her if it happens again then you both will just cater for yourselves."
"Its unfair of her to complain about you eating food you paid for."- DebtMindless6356
"NTA."
"Y’all need to communicate better."
"Tell your roommate that her 'I had plans for it' comments are becoming too frequent."
"Either she needs to let you know if she plans on using the food that day so you can either leave it alone or restock it if it’s low, or y’all need to start buying separate groceries with no sharing."
"Honestly, it somewhat sounds like she's trying to do something: a flex of some sort, or control."
"I don’t know which, but it doesn’t sound like good roommate etiquette."
"Honestly her reaction should have been: 'OK' then promptly going and getting more if she was planning on using the item to make dinner."
"If you go the separate groceries route, be aware that if she runs out and sees you have some yourselves will promptly be used."
"She may also conveniently 'forget' to tell you that she used the item(s) or replace them."
"You may have to do a mini fridge or lock box situation."
"Unfortunately you will only know which of those may be necessary after the fact."
"For now, the convo about communication or separate groceries, then see where it leads."- ToriBethATX
"NTA."
"You don’t really need to cite a personal reason, you can simply say 'I’m sorry but it’s not in my budget anymore to buy communal things' which is true if your parents supplement your income (nothing wrong with that at all)."
"You’re working towards independence so be independent and buy your own things that get used on your timetable."- Gay_A**_Sloth
"NTA."
"But you could try asking her to agree that you will both tell the other in advance if you have plans for some food."- BlueIsTheOnlyColour
"I would stop sharing food tbh."
"It sounds like her mindset is, 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine'."
"I would go so far as to bet that she's an only child."
"NTA, at all, but I think you're actually not being enough of an a**hole."
"Tell her that it seems that shared food is causing a few issues, so in the spirit of household harmony, you're going to start buying your own groceries from now on, and won't be sharing it with her, and won't be taking any food that she purchases."- Final-Yesterday-4799
"NTA."
"The amount of peace you will have will be worth the temporary discomfort."
"May I suggest you approach your roommate with a 'kill them with kindness' attitude."
"Tell her you didn’t realize using communal groceries was causing her such distress."
"Then tell her that you want to be a 'good' roommate and have decided to put an end to communal groceries."
"After all, it’s not fair to her that she can’t enjoy the communal groceries!"
"My guess is she will attempt to gaslight you or minimize her prior reactions."
"Don’t back down! Insist on splitting groceries."
"And if she doesn’t back down switch it on her."
"Tell her it would make you more comfortable to split groceries."- Good_Ad6336
"NTA."
"And this is why communal food for people who aren't immediate family (spouses/ kids and parents) is a dumb idea, tbh."-Aidyn_the_Grey
"NTA."
"Your only error here is letting her treat you this way to the point that it’s given you anxiety."
"But you’re still not the a**hole."
"You’re being extremely generous paying for anything for her."
"There are a number of alternatives."
"Making food non-communal is one."
"Or if she wants to make sure something is available for later, she can ASK you if you bought it, or put a post-it note on it if she bought it."
"The important thing is that the current situation doesn’t work anymore—she’s become entitled and unreasonable."
"Remember, her response to you bringing this up doesn’t dictate what happens next."
"YOU can decide to stop feeding her for free due to her behavior."
"Period."
"Then the two of you can discuss what solution to go with instead."- combatcookies
Had the OP's roommate asked her if she could use the tomatoes for a dish she planned on cooking later, chances are the OP would have gladly let her use them.
Unfortunately, it seems that the OP's roommate seems to think about herself more than others.
Perhaps after seeing how her cooking is affected by the lack of communal food in their kitchen, the OP's roommate might handle conflict with a bit more delicacy.
